Her Portrait Is Black and White

Friday night

Tina opened her eyes, waking from a light sleep, she could hear crying in the distance. She looked around and saw that Bette was beside her sleeping. Tina slowly slipped out of bed and padded along the hallway into Xavier's room.

Xavier was lay in his cot, crying. He was not happy at all.

"Ah, little man," Tina whispered, something clicked for her and she picked him up gently. "Aww are you wet? Shall we change you,"

Tina walked over to the changing table and set about changing his diaper, she smiled at him and tried her best to get his attention to calm him down. All she wanted to was for him to be okay. Once he was changed and dry, she picked him up and gently placed his head against her shoulder. Walking slowly up and down the room, gently rocking him, whispering a story to him, that she was making up as she went along. Xavier gently snuggled deeper into his mother's shoulder.

***

Bette woke, looking around the darkness, she noticed at once that Tina was gone. Her heart was racing. Had Tina left again? Bette slowly got up and wrapped herself into her robe. She was scared, that Tina may have left again. She was panicking inside. She walked out of the bedroom and saw a soft light glowing from Xavier's room.

Bette walked down and slowly opened the door. Her heart pounding in her chest. She opened the door and there was Tina, in the rocking chair beside Xavier's cot. Xavier was sleeping with this head on her chest, Tina's arm was protectively under his bum keeping him in place. Tina's head had fallen to one side in sleep her blonde hair tied at the nape of her neck. She looked younger than her years. She also looked at peace.

Bette walked into the room and gently lifted Xavier out of Tina's arms, Tina's eyes opened at once.

"You can't sleep like this babe," Bette whispered as she put Xavier into his cot,

Tina nodded and got up, her back going crack as she did so. Bette smiled gently as reached out and took Tina's hand. Tina looked at her son before wrapping her hand around Bette's and let Bette led them back to her room.

Tina sat down onto the bed and looked at Bette,

"Sorry he woke and..."

"You never need to explain yourself." Bette said, "I was scared for a moment,"

"When you woke up?" Tina asked, she knew in her heart this would happen.

"Yeah, when you weren't beside me and the house was silent. I just..." Bette dropped her head. She felt shamed that she had felt like tina had gone but she knew that it was always possible that Tina could just leave again.

"Thought I'd left again," Tina said sadly, tears building in her eyes.

"I'm sorry,"

"Don't be," Tina said, as she propped herself up on her pillows, pulling her knees up under her chin.

"I need to trust you," Bette said, as she turned the lamp on and got back into bed beside Tina,

"That's not going to be easy when you know I got up in the middle of the night and drove off into the night. I'm barely reacting to things and it's hurting my soul. My illness, my mental health is harming me and our family."

"You reacted tonight. I'm amusing he was crying, and I didn't hear him?"

"He was wet and a little grumpy."

"Wanted his mommy and she was there,"

"For the first time I felt like a real mommy, it comes naturally to comfort him." Tina looked at Bette,

"I shouldn't have reacted the way I did," Bette whispered.

"Its natural," Tina said slowly. "Listen Bette you can't keep handling me or this situation with kid gloves. I know I've got issues, massive issues. My goodness, I'm scared of the nurses that are here to help our son. I feel so much guilt. Guilt that I couldn't carry him for nine months, guilt that I walked away and let the demons in my head take over. I've been in hospital for six weeks in a world where I don't have to see people. I see the same two nurses and the same doctor, but I don't have to interact with other patients, and I don't, my head is a mess." Tina admitted.

Bette looked at her wife,

"I remember when we first went to the Planet to meet the girls and you couldn't cope with the noise and they amount of conversations going on around you. I saw the warning signs of mental illness but didn't know what to do with them." Bette said slowly.

"I'm a mess and I know I am. I've got to learn to live with this illness. I've been speaking to Sims and she says that the only way I can move forward is if I start living with it and trying to live my life again. I did explain I've never been normal."

Bette laughed softly.

"You don't have to be normal, you can be you. We just need to navigate through this."

"I know, I know I'm sorry for all this, you never asked for this bullshit." Tina said.

Bette smiled softly.

"No, no one asks for this." Bette said. "We cannot change this, we have to just deal with it."

"I don't want to scare you,"

"What do you mean?"

"Bette, you woke up and I wasn't beside you and you were scared I'd done a runner again. I don't want you to feel that way. I shouldn't have made you feel like that before. I know we are going to have to work on trust, I've broken yours completely. I'm going to try and rebuild this. I want our relationship to work. I want our family I can't explain how much I love you and Xavier. I want to get better for you, him and me,"

"You have to do this more for yourself. I don't expect you to become a wild party social animal, but I want you to have that believe in yourself that you can do anything. You're a talented artist. You've got a remarkable brain and you're an amazing wife and mother. We just have to take those baby steps."

Tina thought for a moment, she turned and looked at Bette. She reached over and gently ran her finger down Bette's face

"Baby steps like coming home for the weekend,"

"Yeah well it's your birthday and I at least wanted you home for that, if we could."

"Have you invited anyone round?" Tina asked seriously

"yes, Shane, Alice, Alice's new girlfriend Natalie, Dana and Lara, Helena."

"Alice has a new girlfriend?"

"Yeah, she's nice." Bette said smiling, "Are you okay with them coming?"

"Yeah, Yeah I am, if I need time I can take a breather at any time. I'm sure. I've got to pull myself out of this dark pit,"

Bette looked at her wife,

"It's not that easy but we will give you space, tomorrow we can relax, you can spend time with me and Xavier and then on Sunday we can have our friends here and the grill going."

"And on Monday I go back to hospital,"

"Yes, but this is a first step forward, okay?"

"yeah,"

"We better get some rest before our little one wakes up."

Tina got into the sheets and snuggled back down. Relaxing as Bette switched the lights off and gently put her arm around Tina snuggling into her, glad that she was still here. Both of them gently drifting off to sleep.