Her Portrait Is Black and White

Life Changing Night

Tina sat at the kitchen island her laptop in front of her and she was scrolling through an online retailer. Bette walked up behind her, putting her coffee down, she smiled at what her wife was shopping for,

"Anyone would think our son is going to be one soon,"

"He is, our little fighter is going to be one and he is crawling and jumping and is happier than a pig in shit most days," Tina laughed as she spoke.

"He is, can't believe he is going to be one,"

"I can, also means another anniversary is coming up,"

"You don't need to think about your break."

"I know but it will be a year since I walked out the doors of my home, not knowing where I was going."

"We've never really talked about that night." Bette remarked.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Tina asked, reaching up and rubbing her hand.

"Sometimes I want to know what happened, others I don't know,"

"Is Xavier sleeping?"

"Yeah and the nurses have gone if you're worried it's just you and me."

Tina got up and took her wife's hand. She led her out to the pool, Tina kicked of her shoes and sat on the edge of the pool her toes dipping in. Bette rolled her trousers up and did the same sitting beside her wife.

"I'm going to tell you everything, well everything. I remember, okay,"

"Okay,"

"Xavier hadn't been home long, I kept waking night after night with this horrible feeling, that I was good enough for our family, that you'd both be better of without me." Tina took a deep breath, "That night I woke up, got out of bed, you were sleeping peacefully. So was Xavier. I kissed him goodbye, I took nothing by my car keys and started driving. I wanted to die."

Bette gasped slightly hearing her wife say it broke her heart. She rubbed her wife's hand.

"I kept driving further and further away, I knew I wanted to be out of the way. I ran out of gas I think, I pulled over and walked into the woods. My mind was foggy. I wasn't me. I found some glass, cut myself, my arms." Tina touched the scars with her other hands. "I was bleeding and knew my body was starting fail, I heard a car on the nearby road. I ran towards it. Erm. I knew I was going to die then. But it was the police. I was alive.

"When I was in hospital I wanted to die still. I still have moments. Its like a darkness takes my mind, I cannot always express myself when it happens. I know I push myself. I know that. I think I've been mentally ill all my life, I can't blame my past. I won't blame my past. But my fear of crowds, of being around people I don't know. Of not being able to express myself hurts me. I just want to scream sometimes but it won't come out.

"I do think now, a year on I'm having more good days than bad. Yes going to Washington DC was a little bit of setback. I know that, but I've managed it better than I would have done a year ago. I know I scared the shit out of you sometimes, I know you're work and world falls apart when I do and I hate myself for that. I do. I hate seeing you not taking a job or not being at the gallery when you need to be because I'm having a fuck up moment..."

"You don't have fuck up moments,"

"I do, we both know it," Tina smiled softly. "Life is worth living that's what I've come to understand in the last year. I've seen my son grow. Yeah he is smaller than most kids but my god that boy can eat." She laughs. "I want to support you more., I think over the next year I want to see Porter Galleries grow, I know you want to look at new spaces and I know you want to open up more areas to artist. You want to explore more. Your happiness and work life balance needs to shift. I'm stable. We both know that. I'm more stable now than I was a year ago. I'm ready to help you follow your dreams. Tina Kennard Studio is doing well. Roman is doing a great job with the website and selling prints. It's time Bette,"

"Porter Galleries is doing okay,"

"It should be booming. I know you've been stepping away because of me and that has to stop, I'm aware of my health and frankly, mental health problems don't disappear the moment our lives start to become stable. I'm always going to have these health issues. I'm not scared of it anymore. I understand what my medication is doing and I understand when I need to stop for a little bit. I would like us to start moving forwards. I don't' want to dwell on the past anymore and I don't want stand still anymore. I want our marriage to be a successful. I want the family life we promised each other. I want my wife to not be looking after me twenty four seven. I want you to have the success you were already building before we meet. I want you to have the world you've wanted. You have to spread your wings."

"You've really thought this through haven't you?" Bette smiled.

"I have. The last year has been very about me. I understand why. Yet we cannot keep this up. At some point our marriage would break. We are a team. An odd team but a team all the same. There is so much we can do, even with Xavier. You need to get back on the floor of the galleries. I need the studio running. We both need to have our work and our lives away from each other as well as the time we have together. I don't want or need a carer. I want and need my wife, my lover, my best friend. Bette Porter. From tonight can we start again?"

Tina looked at her wife, smiling softly as the sun started to set over the ranch. Bette reach out and pushed her wife's hair and kissed her, slowly. Both of them moaning into the kiss. Bette pulled back breathing hard, she rested her forehead against her wife's.

"Yes, we take your illness seriously, but I understand we need to actually live our lives correctly. I'm your wife, yes I care for you but I've been neglecting my life, I see that."

"I don't want you to do that anymore. I love you, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I will always tell you when I'm having a bad day but we move forward now. Together."

"Together,"

Bette captured her wife's lips again, knowing they truly were starting over.

****

Xavier cried out into the night and both Bette and Tina opened their eyes, they lay naked entwined together in their large bed, Tina slipped out as Bette turned the light on. She watched as her wife's pale body disappeared under a shirt and shorts before Tina left the room and headed to her son.

Tina walked into Xavier's toom and he was sitting up rubbing his eyes, his checks red, she knew at once he was getting another tooth and the pain had woken him.

"Aww my little dude, are you okay?" Tina used her Xavier Voice. He lifted his arms up and she picked him up, "You're hot too, let me get your ice teething ring, shall we go and see Mama,"

Tina took her son to her wife, who was wearing an oversized t-shirt.

"Is he okay?" Bette asked, taking hold of her son and kissing his forehead.

"He is teething. I'm going to get his ice ring,"

"Okay,"

Tina left the room and Bette kissed her son as he rested against her, he was gently sobbing. She hated seeing him like this. He gently put his head on her chest. Needing that comfort.

"It's okay baby boy, Mama is here and mommy will be back in a minute."

Tina walked in, and passed him his ice ring. Xavier put it into his mouth and started crewing. Tina went into the bathroom and got his medication to help him sleep. Bette watched as Tina calming sorted their son out, he wasn't happy taking his medication but was happily chewing on his ring. Tina got back into bed. Leaning her head on Bette's shoulder as their son settled.

"Just another night at the Kennard Porter house,?" Bette laughed.

"This is what you signed on too." Tina remarked, as she rubbed her son's back. He closed his eyes. Settling nicely with his mom's. Tina reached for her phone and took a selfie of them together. It felt like a real family moment. Tina looked at the photo and smiled. This was her family. Her life and she was excited to see what was next.