𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚐𝚎𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚒 𝚐𝚊𝚖𝚋𝚒𝚝 III chishiya x female reader *discontinued*

chapter 58

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          18th of October

I am a liar.

I'm sorry, I need to confess somehow.

This is not how you start a diary, is it?

Nevermind, I will just write it how I want, isn't that the whole point in this?

Drawing these stupid lines makes my wrist ache. Why did she give me the blank one? Fuck it.

As I said before, I am a dirty little liar. I said things that aren't true, I confessed emotions that I have never had, I even made problems that... they just simply weren't meant to be. I did it, all of it, without a reason. I lied because I was bored, absolutely fucking bored with everyone and everything I have done.

People often said that they were drowning in problems... That it was like every day, a new struggle comes, tightening the noose around their neck more. I envied them, so fucking much.

They were magnets for everything exciting, just by existing, and then they complain? Don't t̶e̶ they see how lucky they are? Are they stupid? They were. They were mad. So, so, soo MAD. And dumb.

I would rather live a pathetic life of pain than a boring one where I don't feel anything that makes me feel alive. That's not living nor existing, that's torture. Corny, I am aware.

That's why I lied. And I am sorry. Not because I did it and you are going to be the one who will see it all no... I am sorry for myself and that I have to do this in order to function properly.

I stained you with blood, didn't I? Well, I am certainly sorry for that now!!!! 

Will they ever found out? I wonder... I have a feeling inside my stomach. It makes me smile, I don't recognize it. 

We will see. Maybe I won't be ever opening this shit book ever again. So vulgar, like the leather around your pages. Should have picked black...

                                                                                                                           That's it, Goodbye.

                                                                                ......

Oh, how I hated liars. 

That was the only consumable thought that ran in my mind as I stood in the hallway with Kuina, still processing the information she said to me. He had his walkie-talkie on the whole time we argued. I shook my head side to side hesitantly, opening my mouth to say the things that never appeared in my head.

There is a point where I just didn't know, had no idea if Chishiya is truly the master of plans or just a man whose mistakes always turn in his favour. It irked me, it wasn't pleasant anymore. At the same time, he was still the only one who I weirdly trust.

The only time where there was proof of his reliability was the few moments where he was hesitant, where I could clearly see that he changed something within himself just to be with me. I honoured it, but at the same time, I was disappointed.