maple syrup | remus lupin [1]

59. if you insist

REMUS LUPIN WAS completely torn. It made him lose his patience, although there was the possibility of it just being due to the simple little fact that the full moon was a few days away - and he had a tendency of being a little on edge prior to it.

He was absolutely convinced that he was losing his mind as he reread a sentence in a book for what felt like the thousandth time.

"If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more."

Mr. Knightly said that to Emma in that wonderful book written by Jane Austen, that had so miraculously appeared by Remus' bedside table the night before because Claudia knew he wasn't feeling well.

But, as he read the sentence over and over, he felt himself feeling worse.

He understood exactly what was happening to him - and he was terrified.

He loved Claudia Maple too much for his own good.

And he was, as previously mentioned, completely terrified because of it.

You see, Remus knew he had to tell her. He had to tell her that he was a werewolf, and he had to tell her that he had been reading her books this entire time without even so mentioning it.

He was starting to feel eaten up by guilt. Sure, the books had made him understand the girl he had come to love much better, but he also feared that she didn't want him to do that.

So, yes, Remus Lupin felt completely torn on wether he was supposed to just rip off the bandaid or if he was supposed to just leave it.

And, he was also terrified because he could hurt her. Both by telling the truth, and by being a werewolf.

And he wanted nothing but to make sure Claudia would never feel pain ever again, despite how impossible it sounded.

So, as he reread the sentence, "If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more", he couldn't help but to think about the wonderful girl he had gotten to know and fallen in love with.

And he hated himself for not being able to stay away from her.

He hated that all he thought about was her smile, her laughter and the way she always smelt of citrus and lilies.

He hated that he thought about how much his mum would love her.

He hated that he wondered what she would look like in a white dress with a bouquet of flowers in her hand.

He hated that all he could think about were those damn emerald eyes - because before he had never really cared for the colour that much, but now it was the absolute best colour in the world.

And he hated how much he loved her, because he felt he could never give her everything she deserved.

He didn't know that Claudia was dealing with exactly the same thing.