Issue #17: Third Wheel

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"Hey, retard. Speak English?" Tara asked the guards who sat opposite of us to make sure we didn't try any funny business.  "English? Can you understand that I think when you were born, the ugly truck crashed through a nearby wall, ran your face over multiple times, a giant ugly flying zebra flew in and shit on your face, repeatedly kicked you several times, and when your parents saw you they were so angry about how ugly you were they beat you with the ugly stick over and over?" We waited for the response and it never came.

"...вы говорите по-английски?" Rick asked.


"They don't speak English." Rick answered.

"Okay so we can get back to planning then. What did you tell these people about us?" I asked.

"Tamaran is now a growing country in 'Central America'. Wait, Isn't that just also the United States?" Komi said.

"It's below Mexico." Rick clarified.

"Then why is it called-"

"The United States basically stole the title of America even though we're not technically the only Americans. Most of the Western Hemisphere is a type of America." I said.

"They stole the name of America the way they stole the land from Native Americans." Tara chimed in.

"Okay, so you know about the exploration of the new world and how Native Americans were screwed over, but you don't know the difference between communism and fascism. I'm so confused on what parts of world history you do and don't know about. Like if I made a reference to The Renaissance would you think I'd be talking about The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you know the difference between Andrew Jackson and Michael Jackson?" I reiterated with Tara.

"Oh my god, get over it!" Tara shouted.

"Guys! Focus! We need to get our story straight." Rick said. "Tamaran is a country in Central America that ET is the princess of. The country is quickly growing to become a first world country and an economic and military powerhouse. We, being Princess Blackfire, me; her translator, and her two personal assistants being you two-"

"I said slaves." Komi clarified.

"Like I'm hell I'm your slave!" Tara protested. "And aren't you actually jackass's slave?" She pointed at me.

"What?" Rick asked.

"Long story. Possibly kinky." I said.

"It's not a kink thing! Stop belittling my culture!" Komi shouted.

"GUYS!" Rick got our attention again. "You two are Blackfire's servants, and we were flown here by the former Vice President to talk of forming an alliance with Russia, but it was secretly a ploy to get us framed as the ones who destroyed the base. And now we're on our way to speak with the new Vice President. Blackfire and I will do the talking. You two just stand there and try not to get us killed."

"I'll try but no promises." Tara said crossing her arms. It was then I noticed she still had parts of her broken handcuffs on, and they also looked like they had been morphed into an odd shape.

"How'd you even get out of the handcuffs anyways?" I asked her.


"No offense but you don't seem like the strongest girl I've ever met so I don't think you used brute force to break through them and I don't even think brute force could do something like that."

"Oh, so I don't look strong enough to break the cuffs, but the anorexic Barbie doll that dresses like she listens to Siouxsie and the Banshees can do it no problem?"

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