The Girl With A Broken Mind

Borderline Personality Disorder and Romantic Relationships

My chronic fear of abandonment stems from my childhood. Abandonment that is real or part of my delusions, it doesn't matter. It's the same for me regardless if it was made up in my head or if it's right in my face. Either way, I react. My heart breaks all the same. I see it everywhere. Especially when it comes to being romantic with someone. Anything for me can be taken as "they don't like me anymore", "I'm annoying, I talk too much," "that girl is prettier than me, it's obvious he wants her more than me". These are just tiny things I think. As irrational as my thoughts sound, they make perfect sense to me. It gets to a point where I'm no longer fun and enticing. I'm irritating because I need CONSTANT reassurance, I don't take compliments because I truly don't see what they see. I pick fights because I'm overly jealous. Being in a relationship with me can be traumatizing.. It's sad.. But true. It sounds so stupid but I just want to FEEL loved. To BE loved. To GIVE love. I attract men who are abusive. (Not all are). I'm so used to being abused I don't see it at all because "I'm in love" "This person loves me". In the beginning they can't do wrong in my eyes. They are everything I've been searching for. They are a "Good" person. Our souls connect and everything is so intense but rushed. In these moments I no longer feel the chronic emptiness. I slowly start to morphe into who I'm with. Their music tastes, their slang, their style.  The end of these relationships are usually the worst. If I'm the one who is breaking up with you its over. I no longer care about you as a person. I'm cold and calloused. I'm mean. It usually happens when they start to do things or say things that shatter the fantasy/idea of you. And it can happen in a split second. It has. Every good memory that I had with you are replaced with only the bad. You are now "Bad" to me. If they are the one who initiates the breakup I'll do ANYTHING to make them stay. Even if they cheated, treated me terribly. I don't care. I get so caught up in the thought of them leaving me and no longer want me that I am begging them, and if they don't crack I get so angry. Adrenaline starts pumping through me and all I see is the fact that they don't want me anymore. Emotions take over.. I throw stuff, I say the most cruel things, I hit, I cry, I scream, I beg you to love me while blocking your way through the door so you can't leave me while telling you I hate you. I don't think it's cute. I don't realize what I'm doing until it's done.  I'm not proud of my anger and what I've done. Because of my BPD which is also known as Emotional Dysregulation Disorder. Meaning the inability to regulate and experience emotions in a positive or appropriate way. It's like I have no skin. Every nerve is exposed. We're emotionally raw. I don't know how to build relationships that have respectable boundaries. I don't know how to just "let it go" or "relax it's not that bad".