The Girl With A Broken Mind

Don't Split. Don't Split. Don't Split.

Ugh what's wrong with me. I'm trying so hard not to Split on my boyfriend. Trying to not let BPD ruin this relationship. We're moving in together and things are moving very fast. I mean extremely fast. One minute I'm sure "this is right". The next I'm filled with panic. "What if he leaves me". Then what? I have no where to go. I can't go back to my roommates. I sure as hell can't go to my mom's. I can't afford a place on my own. There are no reasons for us to break up unless someone cheats. And I'm not a cheater. I get cheated on. I'm the second choice. But yet. What if he gets tired of me? The constant chaos that I live in? How nothing is okay. Every day, there's something new. Something to panic about, cry about, be angry about. I live in a constant state of fear. What if this happens? I've learned to hide it very well. I've gotten back my bubbly personality. I'm the old me again. The one that I've wished for all these years. Yes I'm a catch. But  I'm riddled with mental illness. It's engraved in me. It's my life. Can he handle my life? The little arguments I cause because the littlest things cause me great pain? Something so small and trivial turns me into this flayed person doused in rubbing alcohol. Everything hurts. I've learned to keep this chaos inside. I don't show it anymore like I used to. But it remains. These emotions. These intense raw emotions. They still shatter my core. The tiniest things bruise my already damaged skin.  I can't think. I just feel. And when I'm close to someone, it ruins everything. They don't understand my inappropriate reactions. The inappropriate emotions. So I irritate them. It's irr7itating. It can be infuriating. This is what I'm scared he will get sick of. This is me. Over time I will wear him down. Just like my exfiance. He couldn't stand me in the end either.