The Girl With A Broken Mind

Schizoaffective Borderline and Living In An Unstable Environment

Sitting in my garage crying because I've been so incredibly depressed all day, scraping a blade across my wrist wishing I had the guts to just do it. It started to rain and I got excited, grabbed a cigarette and went to the garage because I wanted to sit in the rain. Well my bother, his wife and my step dad's coworker were outside. I didn't say anything. I just smoked my cigarette and let the rain sprinkle on my legs. My step dad comes home, acknowledges everyone except me, doesn't even look at me. Since it was raining they didn't have to go to work. So I'm just sitting in my chair not talking to anyone while everyone just goes on laughing and talking like I'm not there. They smoke and my dad's coworker who is really nice offers me a hit. If he didn't they wouldn't have offered, which was fine I brought my own weed outside with me. So after 15 mins of just sitting there silent I strike up a conversation about stink bugs with my dad's coworker. After about 3 minutes of talking my brother banged this metal bar against our metal shelf which scared me so I went silent. His wife said she didn't like that to which my brother responds "That's how you get people to shut the fuck up!". This you guys!! This is why I'm so terrified to engage in conversation, why I'm so paranoid about everything I say. All my delirium came from having already experienced the things I'm paranoid about. This is the same brother I tried to open up to about a week ago and he yelled at me and grilled me about how I need to "grow the fuck up", "stop blaming mom for your problems on mom and let whatever happened back then go because it was your own fault". By that he means me getting raped and molested was my fault. He even said he doesn't care, my "problems" aren't shit compared to what he's been through. Which are made up because he truly believes his lies. I hate living here...