The Girl With A Broken Mind

Existential Crisis? *may be triggering*

Ever since I've moved out I don't know who I'm anymore. I no longer have the same morals or boundaries I had set and had so firmly in place. I've changed. The world has changed around me and I've lost myself. I used to be the girl who knew what she wanted, I didn't know how to get there but I knew at least a sliver about myself more than I do now. I'm doing drugs. So far I've done Molly, Coke and Adderall. If you knew me before I lost myself you'd know I'm so against drugs. I hate them, and don't really associate touch with people who do them because what drugs did to my family while I was growing up. But yet, here I am. Experimenting. Hanging out with drug dealers. I'm entertaining the idea of getting back together with my "felon" ex boyfriend who I broke up with three years ago. I stayed the night with him and let him fingerbang me. I'm missing my medication too. I don't know if I'm even sane right now or if I've been in a psychosis I'm unaware of because I never know about it until I come out of it. I might be. This is the typical behavior of me in a psychosis. Only I never do drugs people. Never. I've always put my foot down. But I can't anymore. I give in so easily. I'm failing. I've never been on my own. Been an "Adult". Living on my own and having no parental figures keeping me in line. And this is it. I'm fucking it up. It's been two months and this is what I've become. One thing I'm happy about is I'm kind of shutting myself off from the world lately so, no dating. No meeting strangers off the internet like I normally do. Getting in strangers cars, going to their house and now I've added drugs to the table. What a fine way to get myself raped. It's a matter of time with the situations I put myself in. It's crazy it hasn't happened yet. I mean it has. I am a rape victim. But not because of the scary idiotic situations I put myself. Those were because I was naive and trusted in another human and they decided to take advantage of my unconscious body. Anyways. I don't know what to do. Should I put myself in the hospital? I've tried reaching out and no one is taking this as serious as this truly is. They don't see how far I can fall from this. I used to have a MAJOR drug problem. It's just nobody knew it because I was constantly off the fucking walls and batching crazy anyways. They just chalked it up to me being me.