The Girl With A Broken Mind

It's Starting To Go Wrong

Ugh I guess my boyfriend saw what I was typing when I was writing my earlier post. He's been reading my book so he knows the terms "splitting, idealizing and devaluing". He doesn't understand what he's doing wrong to have me splitting on him every day. Today he came home from work and he just seemed upset. I was cleaning and because of my past trauma I was paranoid that he was mad at me for cleaning later instead of earlier. The bed was messy and I know he doesn't like a messy bed so I went and made the bed when I finished cleaning the kitchen. He still seemed upset when I finished cleaning and he was settling into bed to relax. He put on a movie, which he usually asks if I wanna watch a movie. So I assumed because of previous conversations that he wanted to have some "me time". I kept my headphones on and jammed to music while I scrolled through Facebook on the hunt for funny memes and then I wrote on here. Well after an hour he finally confronted me and asked me what's wrong. Turns out we both thought we were mad at eachother. He was mad at the roommates because he came home and saw me cleaning while they were sitting on their ass. He gets irritated because they are so lazy and messy. But I just assumed it was about me because my ex fiance would give me so much shit about cleaning. And my family. If I cleaned later in the day they get mad. It had to be done by the time they get home from work or I'm in trouble. So I panicked when I saw he was in a bad mood while I'm cleaning and not done before he was home from work. Even though he's never set that kind of rule. He keeps saying "I'm not your ex". I know he's not the people who have previously caused me trauma in my life. I still have the triggers. I still have the fear. So yes. I saw you were angry. And what I've learned in order to survive all these years is to not confront a man when they are mad. Do not talk to them when they are mad. This is how you either get your ass beat or emotionally abused. He says he won't hit me. I believe him. My brain doesn't. We argued. Again. He says this could have all been avoided if I just asked if he was mad at me. I told him it's scary. I just can't be around an angry man. I can't. Even if the man isn't even angry at me. Being around an angry man sends me into a fight or fight response. I'm tense, watching your hands, your movements, waiting to get hit or screamed at. I haven't been able to work through any of my traumas with my therapist because of covid. I don't know what do do about any of this. I want this to work so badly but I'm falling apart.