The Girl With A Broken Mind

Schizoaffective Disorder and The Onset

I know I've been already diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder, though I feel like I'm still in my onset. Newer symptoms and thought processes that I've never experienced even after my diagnosis are popping up. I've never been so paranoid, hallucinated, or had cognitive problems before in my life. I'm turning 25 in a couple months and in one year I feel I've gone full blown schizophrenic. It's making my life so much harder for the fact that the people who love and support me have never seen me like this. I'm keeping up the facade of being here and present. That I have this under control. I don't know how long it will last. I'm not the girl they once knew. I look like her. My mind is so different now though. I'm starting to lose it at home now, my safe place. Whenever my roommates are home and they are in a separate room together talking or not talking, I hear them though I can't understand them. Their voices are talking bad about me. They are always talking bad about me. I know it's not real because they love me for one, and for two they are always talking about stupid shit or just talking about their day. I'm growing more and more paranoid every day. And the voices are making it harder to be able to tell what's real and what's not. I'm slipping back into my fantasy way of thinking. The "bubble". My bubble. I'm taking my meds everyday. I dont understand. I'm scared I'm going to lose my family. Especially the ones I live with. I live with my mom's ex but he's been a father figure to me since I was 15. He's taking care of me and helping me recover. But If he see's that I'm falling again he'll think I'm not trying. I want this to just end. I can't function in the normal world anymore. Even just taking a bus I'm so paranoid. People watch me. I'm paranoid people are recording me and posting me as a tweaker, sex traffickers are going to get me or the bus is going to crash. Being in public non stop scenarios are running through my head. I'm being followed. Someone's going to come up behind me, put a gun to my head and shoot me or kidnap me to rape and torture me. I'm always paranoid I'm going to get hit by a car. I'm paranoid about everyone and everything. I can't take it anymore. Also I'd like to add that I smoke weed in very small amounts, but I went weeks without, plus I don't go outside high so this isn't because of weed. This has started about a year ago, but has gotten extreme these past few months. I dont know what to do anymore.