The Girl With A Broken Mind

The Hell You Put Me Through

I still think about everything. Every heartbreak, every harsh word. Everyone thought you were great. You shined so bright didn't you? You broke a girl who would have done anything and everything for you. You've ruined me for future relationships. Everywhere I look I see betrayal, deceit, abandonment. I'm hyper vigilant to everything. A sigh, a look, a lack of texting. Everything means I'm being tossed aside, like you did for over half a decade. You made sure all I had was you. I didn't mind. I loved you. I didn't mind shutting everyone out if it meant you were with me.
• First started dating you were talking and flirting with that girl on our bus route to school before my bus finally reached your stop where you guys were at. So much that she bought you gifts.
• You always compared my body to your ex's body. Telling me you prefer her body and that you just "Deal with mine".
•Still had blowjob videos of your ex in your iPod you kept locked.
•Texting your ex, making plans to go out. You never deleted msgs so I always found out.
•Found out years later that you actually brought her over to your parents house.
•I got pregnant. You got an apprenticeship at a tattoo shop. Started smoking again, drinking and hiding it from me. You still were texting your ex, telling me you didn't want this baby. You told me you prefer your ex because of her body, that she sucks your dick and that she plays video games.
•You broke up with me. In my frantic efforts to get you to stay with me, I had an abortion. You came back. For a little bit.
•We were watching Tangled and I fell asleep on the floor. I woke up up the couch. You weren't there. I go upstairs to our room, you're not there. So I decide to smoke a cigarette but I can't find the lighters. That's ehen I start looking around and I realized your stuff was gone. I searched the neighborhood for you  barefoot, crying, asking strangers if theyve seen you. You abandoned me at your parents house. They didn't even understand why I was crying because they didn't speak english. I had to move out.
• A couple days later I'm coming to get my stuff and I see you. You're right there. I was so angry I ran up and punched you in the face. Crying. You showed no remorse. You crushed me. The whole time I was packing my stuff you were sitting on the bed and I was hitting you with stuff. I do apologize about that. It's whenever you showed me you didn't care to lose me at all that I just go psychotic and I'm violent.
•A couple weeks later I invited you to that party and we had a great time for an hour. Then you got drunk. You're such an angry drunk. You started yelling at me for no reason so I got you out of the party. I was trying to calm you down and you pushed me into a car. I fell and it hurt. Sleeping with me that night because you sweet talked your way into my pants. Then telling me were not getting back together. •On my birthday.  I was at work when I went to Google something on my phone porn popped up. All in search of body types exactly like your ex. It's now 3 1/2 years into this relationship you were STILL talking to her. Using my sisters phone to talk to her. That night we physically fought, you choked me and slammed me into the couch still holding my throat.
•We drank with your best friend and you turned into a mean drunk. Shoving me into the pavement. You always pushed me.
• You put a knife to my throat and once again pushed me into the pavement and threatened me when a video of me popped up on the internet. Calling me every name in the book. Even to my mom saying "your daughter is a whore".
• When my whole family was against me and my brother was physically beating me, you heard the whole thing and didn't come out of the room to help me. You didn't have to take my side in the arguement but you could have got him off from on top of me.
• It's at the 4th year now and my self esteem is so low from all those times you told me my body isn't good enough that when I found 72 downloaded porn videos that you forgot to hide or delete, I sliced up my body.
• I had to be hospitalized because I slit my wrists when I found out he was flirting with women and "scoutin booty" at work.
• We get our own apartment and this is when my onset of schizophrenia began. I distanced everyone. I stopped talking to my friends. I didn't go outside for months besides taking our dog to go pee downstairs. I was so depressed, lonely. So the dishes piled up, the slight mess turned to a heaping mess. I told you so many times I felt like I'm a battery on one percent all the time no matter how much I sleep. You  may not have known what was wrong with me, but you should have noticed that something was. Instead of helping me you screamed at me.
• Almost everyday for a year you came home from work and saw that I only had enough energy to get the dishes done and that gave you the opening to let all your frustrations out on me. I was alone all day until 11pm and I finally got to see my favorite human, and all you did was take out your anger on me. I had no human contact except being emotionally abused by you.
• The bills piled up and because I couldn't hold down any of the jobs you got me your frustrations with me grew deeper. We started getting into physical fights. You would tell me I'm worthless, never going to be anything and no one will ever love me because I'm so messed up.
• My mental health began slipping even further and I was always having panic attacks, especially in social situations. The last time I asked for help from  anyone with my panic attacks was when I smoked weed with my neighbor and I had an anxiety attack to which my heart rate reached 177bpm. I came inside and told you I feel like I'm about to die and you just yelled at me. Telling me you don't know what to do with me anymore. That I'm always sick and you can't take it anymore. I stopped bothering you about my mental health. My emotions I kept inside instead of letting them out. I trained myself to have silent anxiety attacks. I stopped asking for help. I sank further into my illness. Into the void you left me in.
• And lastly, I found out this year that you cheated on me with my sister multiple times.