The Girl With A Broken Mind

Schizoaffective Borderline and Being Triggered

My boyfriend yelled at me for the first time today. It sucks because now I know he is capable of yelling at me when he's angry. Little things keep piling up and it's making me pull away. He's noticing it. Pointing out that I have been distant these last few days. It's true. I have been. I noticed it too but there's nothing I can do to change it unless I want to be fake affectionate. Which I don't want to do. I've just been devaluing him. I'm not trying to. There are things that I was looking past when I was idealizing him that now that I'm devaluing him they are annoying and bothering me. We got in our first actual arguement today because I finally voiced what's been bothering me. He said i should have brought it up when i first noticed it weeks ago. I would have, if I wasn't idealizing him and putting him on a pedestal. He can do no wrong. I'm trying so hard to not let my toxic traits come out. But I'm finding myself jealous again. Jealous of how much he texts his friends, jealous of his friend that I know he finds super attractive (she's fucking beautiful,  way prettier that I could ever be), and jealous of naked women on TV. It's getting to me and instead of stopping to think and stop myself from reacting, I'm getting angry and picking fights. But still, he knows better than to yell at me. I'm an abuse victim. Being yelled at by a man causes me to cower and panic. His voice yelling just echoed in my head for about 10 minutes. Because why not brain? Let's replay what triggered you over and over again insanely loud inside your head. It happens every time. I don't think he understands what men yelling, nor even at me, does to me. It's not fear it's straight terror. He thought I was being irrational. Maybe I was. I sure didn't feel like I was. I felt like I had a good point and I reacted inappropriately. It's still no reason to send me into that kind of mind set.