The Girl With A Broken Mind

Borderline Personality and Favorite Persons

I can't tell if things are getting better or if my perception of it has warped. Most likely the latter, but I don't mind. I feel like I'm floating in the clouds. Though the ache in my heart reminds me constantly of what I've lost, bringing me back down to earth. I'm happy, I got what I wanted. I got the man I've been striving so hard to take as my own. This is my chance at happiness, a new future. So why am I still so fixated on the past? The life that once was, everything that was once mine. Letting go of the past means letting go of my pup. Letting go of him. It's been 8 months. He's moved on, happy, in love, working on his future. His heart no longer tortures him at the thought of not having me. Why does mine still taunt me? Why does just the slightest fragment of a memory knock the wind out of me. I can be having a great time, then I'm hit so hard with the thought of him and my head spins. My heart drops, shrivels, replacing the blood with emptiness, feelings of despair, fear, agony. I want to move on too. I want this hurt to end, to be able to get on with my life and love again. I'm ready for it to be over for me like it is for him. I tried a couple months ago to have a relationship. Forcing my feelings, wants and needs deep down inside if me so the person I was dating wouldn't leave me, showing only the goof parts of me. Not because I really liked him, but because that meant I'd have to face my reality all over again. I split on him the day after we started dating and it was hell. This time its different. I'm not hiding myself anymore. I'm showing the good, bad, and the ugly sides of me. He's been taking it all nicely, not once telling me to stop or change my weird habits. He just smiles at me and tells me how cute I am. He isn't focused on having sex with me as many times as possible before our time together ends. Instead we draw together, brainstorm tattoo ideas, watch movies/shows, talk, laugh, get stoned and just cuddle. I'm stuck on the past, why? I have such a great man in front of me. Maybe with time the more I like him, the less painful it will be for me until it's no longer painful at all. That's what I'm hoping for.