The Girl With A Broken Mind

Why Me?

Everything that I was afraid of happening, is happening. Sometimes I wonder if my paranoia is just fucked up intuition. Like my brain telling me "don't do this", but in a way that comes off as fucked up. So I don't listen to it because it doesn't come from a good place. I asked everyone's opinion and they all told me that it doesn't matter if we've only been dating for a short time. That it's okay because we've known eachother for so long. So I ignored what my head was telling me. That it's a bad idea. That it's impulsive and straight out crazy to do. I was paranoid he was going to see how bad it can be or he was just gonna get tired of me and leave me. He promised me he'd only leave if I cheated. That he loves me and wants to marry me. And I started to believe him. Yet lately. He's getting so angry. Anything I say or do pisses him off. I will say that yes, I am wrong sometimes. I will not say that he is the only one at fault for his anger. Sometimes I'm extremely unreasonable. But it doesn't warrant getting yelled at. In the beginning when something bothered us, we sat down amd talked about it calmly. What was wrong, how we both felt and we came up with either a solution or a we compromised. Now when I try to tell him what I feel it just irritates him and he starts to raise his voice. I tell him to "please stop". Because now it's triggered panic within me. But he gets loader and says "You Stop!". Which causes me to flinch. Which makes him even angrier because now he feels like a bad person and I'm pushing my past traumas on him. But I'm not. It's engraved into me. It's reflex. I don't know how to not cower and flinch. So then he goes on to say "I can't do this anymore". All day it was like that. Later because I said something that was meant to mean something else but he took it so wrong. I swear I didn't mean it the way he took it and he yelled at me in front of his daughter. I was supposed to be doing my makeup to go out to eat with his best friend but I started crying so I went on the patio to smoke a cigarette and cry by myself. He came out and seeing me cry made him even angrier. He said I was "crying for no reason". I told him he's being mean and he side punched the balcony wall twice while yelling at me. I immediately froze. I just sat there shaking, crying. He told me to grab my shit cuz he's going to take me back to my roommates. I texted her and she basically told me no. So now I have no choice but to make this work. And I want it to work. I love him. I just want him to express his anger with me appropriately. Not yell at me and break up with me everytime we argue.