The Girl With A Broken Mind

Schizoaffective Borderline and Idealization

I met someone today. He's perfect, tall, heavily tatted, he's a "bad boy" type. I already feel the attachment growing. I'm in the progress of building the pedestal I'm going to inevitably put him on. This is why I get hurt. He's so amazing though, and very accepting of my illnesses. Yeah I opened up about that, only because it was so very obvious something is wrong with me. Trying to get to know someone while being half there, anxious and full blown paranoid, I can't even find the words I'm trying to speak. I'm having a full blown conversation with that person in my head already, knowing full well what I want to say. It never comes out the way I want it to. I'm to anxious to say what I want to say, over thinking my tone, words, I talk way too fast, my sentences are stunted, I stutter, sometimes my words come out jumbled and mixed. I lose my train of thought or decide it's not important because it's too hard to even get my words out. This is why I prefer staying home. But I so badly want to find my new favorite person. I don't want to try to find love in sex. I want to find love. Someone to love me for who I am. To love me on my bad days, when I can't get out of bed, when I'm trapped in a delusion and everything down to the use of shampoo points to them cheating on me. I want to find someone who understand that this won't last long. It always ends. There's gotta be someone out there who will reassure me on those days. Tell me they aren't going to leave me, that they still and always will love me. I'm not putting all this hope on this one guy. It just got me really thinking about what I'm looking for. I won't settle again just to not be lonely. I've been staying away from guys for a while. So unlike me, but my sister has been helping me stay focused. And here I go, her hard work is gone, ha. I wish she'd understand that when I'm idealizing someone and I have a favorite person I'm the most motivated to focus on getting life straight. I love her immensely, but I'm so lonely, I deserve to finally move on from my ex fiance, find love again. Just to do it in a smarter way.