Drop Dead | Sam Fender

Chapter Thirty Eight

Aurora

With Sam juggling two jobs on top of school, I was beginning to see him a lot less. It's not like I minded because he had to work but it hurt to watch him overexert himself to get by. I could tell the stress was getting to him, not that he would ever admit it, but I knew. His hand constantly twitched towards a cigarette and the number of times I got a text from Dean, Drew, Joe or Tom telling me that he was drunk again was rising each week. It was something I thought we had put behind us but Sam was once again settling into a routine I wasn't comfortable with and this time, I just couldn't seem to get him out of it. He was tense all the time, wound up so tight that I was reluctant to say anything, fearful that he would explode. I wasn't sure how long I could keep us going in this state. It was virtually impossible.

The time I didn't spend with Sam or my friends was spent writing songs. I had been uploading covers to my YouTube channel to keep up with content but I was wanting to put out some more original songs. Everything I was writing though had a common theme. Sam. Instead of your typical love songs, my lyrics only seemed to highlight Sam's struggles and my desperation to pull him out of the deep end. How I was so exhausted trying to give him the support he didn't want but needed. How my mental health was stretched beyond belief and sometimes, I didn't even have the energy to be there in the moment.

It was how I ended up writing 'Falling Asleep at the Wheel'. My camera was set up at my keyboard, ready for me to begin as I inhaled sharply, preparing myself to record. It was something I did all the time but this time it felt different, my stomach churning with discomfort at the thought. Maybe it was because it had been a while since I had put out any original songs. Or maybe it was something else.

"Oh, you never smoked this much before we met, light up, light up another cigarette. I can tell you're only drinking to forget, don't know how I got you in such a mess," I sang softly as my fingers brushed the keys. "How am I supposed to be your ray of light, your ray of light? I get dark sometimes, does it pass you by? I should be your ray of light, your ray of light.

"But I'm falling, falling asleep at the wheel, guess I forgot to feel, just for a second you're talking, but I'm just pretending you have my attention, I'm falling, falling asleep at the wheel, I made you think it was real, if you think we're strong enough, come on and wake me up.

"You never looked this tense before we met, back up, back when we were so innocent. All this emotion that we're buried, tied up, fired up on this adrenaline. How am I supposed to be your ray of light, your ray of light? Not a cloud in sight, what a perfect night, I should be your ray of light, your ray of light.

"And I'm falling, falling asleep at the wheel, guess I forgot to feel, just for a second you're talking, but I'm just pretending you have my attention, I'm falling, falling asleep at the wheel, I made you think it was real, if you think we're strong enough, come on and wake me up, wake me up. Come on and wake me up, come on and wake me up, if you think we're strong enough, come on and wake me up.

"And I'm falling, falling asleep at the wheel, guess I forgot to feel, just for a second you're talking, but I'm just pretending you have my attention, I'm falling, falling asleep at the wheel, I made you think it was real, if you think we're strong enough, come on and wake me up, wake me up. Wake me up, wake me up, if you think we're strong enough, come on and wake me up, wake me up, wake me up."

I let out a deep breath with my eyes closed as the song came to a close and shut off the camera. It was autonomous the way I reached for my laptop, uploading the video from my camera to it and then to my YouTube channel. It was a lengthy process but less than an hour and a half later, the video had been cut and posted to my channel. I felt really proud of myself, it had been a while since I had written something that I had actually wanted to share with my audience.