Drop Dead | Sam Fender

Chapter Ninety Six

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF EATING DISORDERS

Aurora

I had truly underestimated how much of a struggle moving to a new place was. The handful of people that I knew here belonged exclusively to my management and label. Yes, I knew that to make friends I had to leave the flat my label had found for me but after everything that happened almost two months ago now, I hadn't found myself wanting to. If I stayed at home, no one would see my mistakes.

I was in a foreign place without any of my friends after my five-and-a-half-year relationship came to an end. I was isolated and I had no one to turn to, so I turned to music instead. I spent almost every day in the studio playing around with melodies. My nights were spent tossing and turning in bed for hours until I got fed up and then I would start writing, the only light being emitted from the lamp on my bedside table.

I hadn't spoken to my dad as much as I ought to have. Every time he called, I let my phone go to voicemail. He was expecting me to be living my best life. I didn't want to disappoint him by admitting that all I wanted was to go home. I wanted to come home to him every day rather than an empty flat that felt as homely as a prison. I wanted to share a cuppa with him on the sofa when I couldn't sleep. I wanted him to surprise me with my favourite home-cooked meal after a shit day. I wanted him to pull me into his arms when I was upset, which felt like every day lately. Most importantly, I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be alright, even when it wouldn't.

My days were blurring together and I wasn't sure what month it was anymore. As I lay in bed, staring at a blank space on the wall, I didn't even notice my phone buzzing. What tore me from my reverie though was a loud banging on the door to my flat. I blinked but didn't move an inch. Whoever it was would soon go away.

"Rory!"

"Dad?" I croaked to myself as his voice echoed around the small flat. I thought I had finally gone delirious, imagining that my dad was at my door, so I didn't bother to rise from bed.

"Rory, love, yer in there?" he asked frantically, his words muffled by the thin walls of the building.

I lifted my head from my pillow. Okay, maybe I wasn't losing it. With shaky legs, I pulled myself from my bed and shuffled through the flat to answer the front door. The world around me was spinning as I moved, likely a result of me standing up too quickly but I persevered, swinging the door open to reveal my dad just as he was about to knock once more.

"Daddy?" I muttered, immediately collapsing in his arms.

"Rory," he sighed in relief, wrapping his arms around me tightly as though I would disappear if he let go. "Thank god, do yer know how worried I was?"

"I'm sorry," I cried quietly.

"It's alreet, pet," he shushed me, holding me close to him. "It's okay. Ceemon, let's go inside." I didn't put up a fight as he guided me into the quaint flat and over to the sofa. I didn't feel like I had any control over my body anyway as he pulled me down onto the cushions and gathered me back into his arms.

"I'm sorry I haven't been answering your calls," I sniffed, fisting the material of his t-shirt tightly in my grasp. It was a way to help me ground myself and aid my brain in realising that yes, he was really here. "I've been busy."

"I know when you're lying to me, Rory," he told me. "I'm really fuckin' worried about yer. What's gan on?"

"I dunna," I whispered.

"You're... you're not relapsing, reet?" he asked gravely. I could hear the fear in his voice as he awaited the answer.

"No," I assured him but I could tell he wasn't entirely convinced.

"When was the last time yer had sommat to eat?" he inquired. I didn't need to look at him to know he was studying my appearance, his eyes burning into my skin. I hadn't looked in the mirror for days, maybe in weeks, too disgusted with myself to dare. I had even gone as far as to cover up the mirrors in the place, lest I accidentally catch my reflection and have a mental breakdown. I probably looked like a mess.

"Er, I dunna," I mumbled truthfully. "I went shopping last night, so..."

"Rory, yesterday was Sunday," he frowned. "The shops shut at four."

"No," I told him as I pulled away from him to stare blankly. "Yesterday was Saturday, it's Sunday."

"Rory, sweetheart, it's Monday today," he swallowed thickly as he watched me with glassy eyes.

"What?" I breathed, my voice cracking in defeat. How had I missed an entire day going by?

"I think you should come home," he sighed, rubbing a hand against his jaw. "Back to Shields."

I shook my head frantically as my heart began racing, the effect of even so much as thinking about facing him. "No."

"Rory," he interjected.

"No!" I protested. "I'm not gan back. No chance. I can't!"

"I know it's hard, love, but I'm worried sick about yer," he told me, his voice wavering. "You're not answering my calls, none of your friends have heard from yer, you're not eating."

Tears had begun flowing down my cheeks as I processed his words. "I just lost track of time, I didn't starve myself on purpose," I cried. "I can't go back, dad. I'll call yer, I promise!"

"Rory," he sighed.

"Please," I begged.

"Something needs to change," he spoke firmly. I nodded in agreement. "I want yer to look for a new therapist. Here, in London."

"Okay," I agreed enthusiastically. Anything not to have to face him again.

"You're to phone me, at least twice a week," he continued. "No more ignoring your friends either. Ya need a support system."

"Anything else?" I whispered as I began twiddling with my thumbs.

"You'll come back once a month-"

"Absolutely not!" I protested, my eyes blowing wide as I cut him off. Did he not realise what I was making the compromise for in the first place? I wanted to avoid Shields.

"Let me finish," he told me gently. "You'll come back once a month to Emmie's or your Nana's."

"Oh," I breathed in relief. The other side of the river Tyne was far enough away from North Shields for me and an opportunity to see my friends too, that's if they were willing to make the trip across. "Okay."

"Have we got a deal?" he asked softly. I nodded quickly. "Come here." He opened his arms wide, allowing me to fall into them, my face burying itself in his chest.

Oh, how I had missed his hugs.