TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS, BODY DYSMORPHIA
Aurora
Each day that passed with no contact from Sam dampened my hopes that we were ever going to fix our relationship, be that our friendship or otherwise. I hadn't seen him since the night he ended things, not that I would know what to do if I had seen him. Probably have a breakdown. Yeah, that seemed likely. I had hardly seen the boys either, but to be fair, that was partly my own accord. I had practically confined myself to my room, only coming out to go to school, eat or use the bathroom. I knew Harlow resented it, but there was nothing she could really do to encourage me to leave, no matter how hard she tried.
My trips to the bathroom haunted me. Each time I caught myself in the mirror, I found myself in a trance, picking apart every part of me, comparing every last inch of my body to Natalie. It was like I couldn't escape her.
My reflection stared back at me mockingly, my brain screaming out that I wasn't good enough. My hand ran through my thick hair. It was practically white in colour from the dye, glaringly fake in comparison to Natalie's natural sandy blonde. My skin was dry and flaky, adorning more spots than I believed it ever had before from a particularly nasty breakout, nothing in contrast to Natalie's natural glow. I desperately wished that my lips were as full as hers, but the thought sent my brain spiralling with the thought of Sam's on hers. I let out a frustrated scream, the tears free falling down my cheeks.
What did she have that I didn't?
It was a stupid question really. Natalie was everything I wasn't. Tall, thin, beautiful. It wasn't fair. Here I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, hating myself, wishing I could change, but my restraint was just not good enough. I had taken Maeve's words to heart and I was trying to mind what I ate. Keyword: trying. I would start off really well. Skip breakfast, an apple for lunch, fill my stomach up with water when the hunger hit, but by the time I got home from school, it was like I couldn't control myself. It didn't matter how much I ate, I still felt empty. Like I was trying to fill a bottomless hole.
It had become a daily ritual. Start off well, fail when I got home then spent an hour staring at myself in the mirror, resenting myself for caving. It stopped at that up until now, but as the days went on, I was transported back to the night we went to the Low Lights. The temptation to purge became almost unbearable and I found myself on my knees, hugging the toilet bowl as I brought up the contents of my latest binge. The back of my throat burned but I just ignored it, hyper-focused on emptying my stomach of the contents of my binge.
I almost jumped from my skin as I heard the front door open and my dad's voice calling out my name. What was he doing home? He was supposed to be staying late at work!
"Rory! I'm home!" he yelled.
"Alreet!" I called back. I pursed my lips together in a tight line, not content that I had rid my stomach of all I possibly could, but wasn't quite sure how I would do so without raising suspicion. My eyes glinted as they landed on the shower head and I immediately pushed myself up off the floor, turning the knob. I smiled at my innovation, retaking my place in front of the toilet and shoving two fingers down my throat, taking solace in the ease with which the bile rose up my throat.
Happy that I was finally done, I rose from the floor and stripped off before positioning myself under the warm stream of water. I sighed, my muscles relaxing as the hot water hit them. I was more tense than usual lately, for obvious reasons, and so, getting to relax was a liberty.
"Rory?" my dad called through the bathroom door.
"Yeah?" I replied.
"Ya gan be long in there? I was hoping that maybe we could go to the diner in town, spend a bit of time together," he suggested hopefully.
"I've not long had food, sorry, dad," I told him, hating the guilt that tugged at me. It wasn't exactly a lie. I had eaten no less than two hours ago.
"Oh, well, maybe we could go watch a movie then?" he asked hopefully.
"I was actually just gan go to bed," I responded. "I'm absolutely knackered."
"Reet, of course," he faltered.
The deflation in his voice made my heart sink, my eyes closing in shame. He was trying his best and here I was shitting all over him. "Maybe we could go this weekend? I don't have anything else planned."
"Yeah!" he blurted excitedly. I didn't have to see him to hear the smile in his voice. It made me feel just that little bit lighter, just a little bit less of a disappointment. "Sounds lush!"
"Alreet," I smiled.
"Okay, I'll leave you be then. G'night, love," he told me.
"Goodnight," I replied. I heard the sound of his footsteps receding over the loudness of the falling water. I stood under the steady stream for another couple of minutes before reluctantly turning the water off, wrapping myself in a fluffy towel from the radiator. I was cautious to remember to flush the toilet before I made my way to my bedroom. The last thing I needed was to be caught out.
YOU ARE READING
Drop Dead | Sam Fender
Fanfiction'Did you come around here just to start a fight? Drop dead.' Sam's difficulty with relationships stems all the way back to his adolescence. He hasn't had it easy growing up in the Northeast of England but he managed to escape his teens unscathed. Mo...
