To heal is to feel

One of the lucky

Boom

I forced my eye open, hugging myself tighter from my laying position on the cot in a unknown tent that me and mom were holding up in for about a week or two know, I wasn't good with numbers. Especially now at these times.

Bang

I freeze, shivers down my spin as I try my hardest not to bend over and throw up from the overwhelming fear i was feeling right know.

"Mom?" I pause after calling for her, the sound of wood thumping on the grass

"Lana, come out and help me with breakfast." Moms calm and quite tone immediately helps to calm me down, a small smile itching up my lips as i unzip the tent and step out, greeting the hot sun with a scowl. I hated the heat that the sun endured.

I bow my head down to avoid it, walking up to where the fire pit is and immediately start to drop some wood in it, not wanting mom to be upset with me if she comes back and sees me not finish with the fire

I hear moms light footsteps emerge from behind the trees, zipping up her pants before brushing her hair out of her face and giving me a small nod of greeting, I give one back

"M'orning" i wisphered, afraid that those freaks things that we managed to loose might hear me if I speak at a volume higher than five.

"Yeah, why don't you go take a piss and clean yourself before eating, m'kay." Mom says in her usual gentle voice. I nod and make my walk to behind the trees and out of sight

Mom never really was a sweet talker with things, she was straight forward with everybody she met, but some people took it as her being a bitch, but deep down when now one was looking she'll send me a smile or hug me.

She didn't like to express how she felt or what she was thinking about. But she is always there for when those freaks want to hurt me or when I can't get out of bed, physically.

Me, well I'm the opposite from my mom but exactly like her at the same time. It confused our few friends that we had before 'the world went to dog shit' like she likes to put it. I'll talk to mom about what was on my mind or how I was feeling this black hole in my gut that was slowly growing, even if she pretended to listen even though she wasn't.

I could tell when people are distant or what there next move was going to be. I also sometimes felt this overwhelming sadness, anger, numbness. The need to help some thing or someone that was hurt physically or emotionally was a every day thing for me.

But then I would feel like I was outside of my body and mind, which cascaded me from time to time.

Mom said that it was a gift from her to me that she gave me when I was born. That confused me because she hardly shows care for anyone other than me.

I zip up my pants that fit to big on me, hugging moms sweater on me tighter to by body as I feel a shiver run down my spine. Tiny footsteps were heard from the left of me

I click my tongue softly before slowly taking the pocket knife mom gave me at the start of all this holding it up high as if it was going to shield me from anything that comes at me.

The bushes in front of me start to shake violently and I find myself walking towards it , curious as to what's making all that sound because it'll be to small to be one of those growling freaks, but maybe not.

A white fluffy bunny jump out of the bush, I freeze mid step and look down at it with sympathy. I feel the knife slide against the fabric of the sweater as I slowly flower my armed hand.

I tried to shoot forward and plunge my knife into the animal so me and mama can have something other than blueberry's and leaves but, I just couldn't kill the poor creature.

"Go on, get." I wave my hand off and it takes off into another bush, I hate this feeling, feeling of disappointment. Disappointment of not being able to kill that rabbit, ma would've been happy if I did, she deserves more than how we are right know. I know that much.

"Lana.." I hear mad voice hiss at me, I turn around to see her standing behind the tree I came out from, glaring at the bush behind me and then flicking her hand towards me to come to her, with a bowed head I do just that.

"I'm sorry ma.. I couldn't do it." I say, she sighs and leads me towards our small camp, sitting me down on a tree stump next to the burning fire and kneels in front of me with a blank face

"I need you to listen carefully to my words, okay, can you do that Lana?" She asks , I straightened up at the way she said my name, knowing that she was being serious now

"Yes mama." I say, our eyes staring into each others souls for a couple of pauses

"You are... special. I'm not talking about that your uniquely weird and you shouldn't care about what people think about you type of specials, okay? Your um- you have a big heart and sometimes we have to hide our big hearts from bad people that want what we have... does that make sense." She says in a firm voice, different from her stuttering moments ago, I nod even though I don't, I don't understand any of this.

I was doing home schooling in the kitchen one minute and then the next I'm packing a week supply of cloths and food in my suitcase while mom is screaming in panic at the top of her lungs.

Time does change fast.

"So... I have to hide my heart from bad people, that want to hurt me?" I ask, mama nods her head slowly, "I get it." Sort of

Different? I'm not  good special?

"Your going to be one of the lucky ones. I can feel it , Lana." Ma sings as she hands me a small bowl of berry's, grabbing five of them and letting me eat the rest.

"You are too, right?" I stop chewing the berry's and face mom as she plays with the wood, "I don't want you to not be lucky, you'll stay. Right?" I ask, fear that she might leave me creeping into my head and filling my head with hurtful thoughts