To heal is to feel

The rabbit

I try to calm my panting as I scoot closer to where Rick is sitting, my back hitting the driver seat. Knowing that Rick could feel me from where I am. I suddenly feel small among these people in a closed of van, space.

"Best not to duel on it. Merle got left behind. Nobody's gonna be sad he didn't come back... except maybe daryl." Morales said, i glare at the side of his head with out intention to do so. Daryl?

"Daryl?" Rick asked, as if he could read my thoughts.

"His brother." Morales answers the question, oh shit.
A loud alarm sound reaches my ear along with whoops from Glenn. At least some one happy to be alive today.

"At least somebody's having a good day." Morales says. Am I speaking out loud?

I look down at my dirty hands, thinking. Merle, the horse, my mom. It's my fault that Merle got left behind. I know that. I shouldn't have given the key to t dog. It's my fault.

Maybe his brother wouldn't mind so much. Maybe, just maybe. I hope so.

I look around at every one, there eyes ether looking down at the vans floor or looking straight forward, they all probably think it's my fault to. Why did Rick have to give me the key anyways? Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid Lana.

——

I let out a cry of joy, my mom wraps her arms around me before bringing me up in the air and spinning both her and I in circles.

"Stop. Stop it!" I yell out, my voice making the trees around us shake a little bit. Wow.

"Oh, I'm going to throw up." My mom mutters before putting me down on my feet and shaking her head lightly.I let out  laugh at the site of her, she shorts me a look which makes me shut up immediately. Silence takes over.

There was a snap from the tree behind me and o feel my shoulders tense as my feet carry me to my mom. She puts me behind her, wrapping her arm around me from behind as if to protect me.

She slowly starts to round the tree, giving me squeezes to remind me that she's there, she stops and I hold my breath. Scared.

I here a thump before animal like whimpers reach my ears, i clasp my my hands over my ears in pain. So much pain.

"Mom stop." I hiss, taking my hands and dragging her back to the house , she rips from my hold and  grabs me by the ear with one vicious grip, making me hiss out louder. "Mom- stop-"

"Do not tell me what to do. You have to see. You have to learn." She grumbles at me, grabbing the sides of my face while standing behind me. She hisses something in another language, knowing that I couldn't understand.

The animal becomes visible to me and I'm able to see that it was a rabbit, why is it always a rabbit.

It starts to squirm on the floor, it's eyes diving into my soul just by it's starring. I can hear it , pleasing for me to make her, mom, to stop.

"Please mom, your hurting him." I cry out, looking up at her with eyes full of tears. My eyes stinging. She doesn't look at me, too focused on staring the rabbit down.

"Him? It's a fucking animal. The sooner you learn that the better. I'm not going to be raising a weak daughter." She hisses at me, still not looking At me. Her hands grip my head tighter and forced it back on the rabbit. He's close to giving out. I can feel it.

Everything suddenly freezes, everything goes quite. The rabbit is laying on the ground, his eyes still staring into mine, but, something different. His eyes. They're different.

I can't hold it anymore and let the tears flow freely down my cheeks, I can feel myself shaking but I don't try to stop it nor do I make any sound.

Weak.

"Your a monster!" I say, shoving moms firm hands off my face and stepping away from her. Walking towards the rabbit, "I hate you." My voice cracks this time, I hear mom let out a soft laugh.

She grabs me by the shoulders and spin me around. Her hand makes contact with my face, the slapping sound echoing through the trees so loud that I think my ear might have popped.

"You had to see." Is the only thing she says, turning around and walking back into the house. Her stance and face not wavering or showing any discomfort.

I turn back around and melt down into the ground where the dead rabbit is. Slowly trail my  shaking fingers on its cold fur. Cold.

"I'm sorry." I repeated the same words over and over again, carefully lifting the rabbit with my hands under its body, bringing it to my chest before I elope him into a pure hug.

I could have saved him but I was too weak. I felt stupid, little as if I'm shrinking and the rabbit is growing.