I BECAME THE VILLAIN OF A NOVEL | BOOK I

Volume 2 - The Beginning of the End| 60: In the middle of the line.

In my peripheral vision, I could see the expectant gaze of Joan, and the expressionless face of Saint Agatha. As well as the anxious face of Alexandra, turning her head back and forth to me and to her aunt.

I open my mouth then close it again, feeling speechless at the scene in front of me. The silver haired man and the gladiator woman are both hanging their heads to their ways in front of me.

My eyes peered at the two, glinting with darkness.

As if this comedic farce would compensate for the wrongings they did to me. As if flogging their body is enough to compensate for what I lost. As if.

Nothing could compensate for a life that is lost, and what I lost is something more precious than any treasure in this world. What I lost is a family. The only one in this bloody world. And there is one more thing that I lost because of these two, and that thing is...myself.

Because I'm no longer who I was.

I don't know what I am currently, but I could feel that I'm no longer the same as before.

At this moment, I'm at the middle of the line between two contrasting personalities. I want to kill and yet not to kill. I want to hurt in madness, but I don't want to hurt anyone impulsively. However, I know that I'm slowly changing. The thing that I thought I'm most scared of going through is slowly happening.

But the funny thing is...

I don't feel scared, and right now, I only felt regret.

I thought I was scared of changing, but I realized that I was only being stubborn because of the memories I had on earth. I realized that I'm not scared of changing. What I'm scared of is having no one understand who I am. Having no family or friends who love and care for who you are or for what you are.

Losing the warmth of those memories is what I'm scared of. And I'm yearning for it in this world, and I had it within my hands. But I'm too stupid and slow that I only realized it later when everything was already...too late.

The ending is; I lost it; the warmth, the comfort, the care, and the love of a family. I lost Pula.

And it was because of me.

I wish I was strong and capable. Because if I was then I could have protected Pula at that time, then we could have lived peacefully as a hermit in a faraway forest. We could have traveled the world together. We could have experienced sadness and happiness together. I could have seen Pula falling in love with someone else, then they will have a baby, and our small family will grow bigger and merrier. Or if Pula doesn't want to marry because she is an aromantic asexual like me, then we can just live together in peace.

I could have that if only I was strong and capable, but I wasn't. I was not only slow and ignorant but also weak and stubborn in my ideals.

This is what I regret. For not being able to protect Pula. For being useless. For not being able to do anything. For feeling helpless of the situation. For losing the only one who made me feel truly warm in this world.

I regret that.

Dark noise started ringing again, murmuring something evil to my head. I remain seated, staring at the two trashy humans with a bit of clarity.

I let the dark noise come in and out of my head like air. I didn't find it repulsive, but I don't feel like accepting it either.

Pula is still in my left arm, resting in an eternal slumber. And I promise Pula that I'll try not to be reckless and impulsive, and that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to approach everything, thinking it through many times in my head before making a decision. Especially now that I discovered that I'm a little slow and dumb. I can only make up for my short-comings by thinking everything through, and by approaching obstacles through a step by step process.