It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

First Day Jitters

Hello~ This is my very first fanfiction so proceed with caution! And this is very much a bit of a vent fic. I'm open to constructive criticism!
Just a few things before we get started, first, I will not be putting  a lot of detailed abuse in this story. Second I will be putting asterisks(*) before and after any descriptive self harm scene.
So please read the tags, take care of yourself, don't read this if it will have a negative affect on you okay, stay safe.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Minho groans as he turns in bed to shut off his alarm. " Already morning huh?" While rubbing the sleepiness from his eyes, he hears from downstairs, shuffling sounds of his mom getting ready for work. With his dad already starting his day at work Minho had the relief of getting ready in peace this morning. Standing upright, he shakes away a dizzy spell and walks to his bathroom, making sure not to run into a still packed box. His mom has been trying to get him to unpack since it has been two weeks after they moved, Minho makes up excuses not to. The real reason goes unsaid; I don't want you to have to pack my things up when I'm gone.

Starting his simple morning routine, brushing his teeth, fixing his hair, washing his face, was all he could really muster up to do. He was too numb at the moment to care enough to shower. After he finished up his hair, his mom yelled from the hall, " Minho you better not be late on your first day, this time you better make a good impression!" He didn't even bother to make a noise back, she was already walking down the stairs, taking her keys and leaving for work. Although it was nice to be left alone, Minho wished for a second that she cared to ask if he was okay, or if he was going to eat breakfast. But he knew better, he wouldn't eat anyways. Walking to his closet he grabbed a pink and gray hoodie, contemplated for a second, and put it back, "Last time I wore pink, I got a black eye" Sighing he found a black sweatshirt, with green patterns on it, and grabbed a pair of black loose fitted, ripped jeans. He gathered all of the school supplies he thought he would need, and put it in a gray backpack. Going down the steps, he noticed how shaky his legs were, now were they from the lack of nutrients? Or the nerves? Both? Yeah probably both, he didn't have the appetite for anything anymore, everything tasted like ash as soon as it was in his mouth, even the smell of any food was unpleasant. He hadn't really been able to think properly that he was going back to school, which meant talking to people, and people looking at him. He didn't like being perceived by people, it was stupid but the thought and fact that people look at him makes him nauseous. Sighing for the hundredth time already, he made it to the kitchen, where he grabbed a cup of water and stared blankly out the window while sipping on it. His mind was blissfully empty.

Glancing at his phone, reading the time he realized he was up way too early. Mumbling to himself, " I can just walk to school, it's only like 10 minutes away." Grabbing a water bottle and shoving it in his bag, grabbing his keys, and slipping on his vans he made his way out the door. The walk was nice, he let his mind wander, he was so anxious he could throw up so he let the walk shut his brain off. He somehow was finally at the school, looking up he felt the bile rise up in his throat, palms start to sweat even though he was cold. "One foot in front of the other come on Minho" he had to put in all of his energy in pushing himself through to gates, fighting his urges to skip class. Taking in his surroundings he started to get back in touch with his senses, his mind was less foggy, feeling the tightness in his face from the nerves, the pit in his empty stomach, the sting on his thighs with every step being taken, and the bone deep exhaustion. This is what his mind was shielding him from, the moment he tuned all of this in he missed the numbness. But he was in public and he needed to be able to become a normal person for a few hours.

He needed to find the office. There were still twenty minutes until school started so he could wander around looking. It was a large school with the entrance for students not being near the office. Minho didn't understand why, but he also didn't feel like thinking about it any longer. "Find the office, get your schedule, go to first class." He repeated in his head, the brain fog was making it hard to stay focused, along with the thoughts in the back of his head repeating that he wanted to die was also not helping. He made it to a courtyard where a handful of students were, small groups scattered, some being quiet, while the others were extremely loud, the noise started to make Minho panic more. Trying to block it out, he felt like a lost cat, looking around for a building number or at least doors, when he saw a group walking from the opposite direction. Seven guys, all crowded together trying to all fit through the outdoor sidewalk. Minho's stress levels were through the roof, how was he supposed to walk by them? He started to feel his pulse quicken, frantic eyes looking around, he really wanted to go home. He didn't look at any of their faces, just their legs, he pushed himself all the way to the edge of the sidewalk. When he did, he heard someone say, " Sungie-ah, watch where you are going" followed by an " Oh shit, sorry dude, let me get out of your way." Minho glanced up to see that they were talking to him, words instantly got stuck in his throat, they must have sensed the panic. The one who spoke first said, " Hey, are you new? You look really lost." Oh he seems to have an accent. Minho still didn't look at any of their faces, but replied " Y-yeah I'm looking for the office, sorry I'll get out of your way." He started to feel hot, even though it was cool out, sweat prickled at his forehead. " Oh no you're fine! We can help you to the office if you'd like?" another with an accent, but a much deeper voice spoke up. All the different people talking were starting to make Minho dizzy, oh shit, they asked me something right? " Oh you can just point me there, if that's okay?" He gasped out, god his voice is grating his own ears. With that he finally looked up, not looking in their eyes, but past their ears, " Nah we can walk you there, it's complicated" the tallest one with long black hair spoke with a light chuckle. He has a nice voice. " Oh thank you" Minho said quietly, he really didn't want to talk to people let alone seven other new people. Taking in all of their appearances, he noticed how beautiful everyone was, his self hatred started clouding his brain. He started to become extremely self aware of how his body seemed to push against his clothes making him nauseas. The one who was doing the most talking, dimples and curly dark hair, seemed nice enough, started guiding the group to the direction they were previously walking from. Minho started to feel bad, they were backtracking because he couldn't simply find the office. As he was lagging behind, one of the boys who hadn't spoken yet turned his head towards Minho, he had foxlike eyes with high cheekbones, he looks younger, Minho thought quickly looking down. " I'm Jeongin, is today your first day?" the fox like boy, Jeongin, asked. "Uh yeah, I just moved here from a few towns over." Minho let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, they actually seem really nice. Jeongin nodded, then glanced at his friends who were giggling and chatting, he nudged the one with dimples and an accent. " Introduce everyone already Channie hyung" The dimpled boy jumped a little, Minho internally laughed, his negative thoughts becoming more quiet, " Oh right! Sorry, for starters I'm Chan and a senior, obviously this is Jeongin a Sophomore," Jeongin smiled at Minho again," next is Seungmin, a junior" he gave a quick grin with a wave, " and then the tall ferret is Hyunjin also a junior," "Hey! Stop introducing me like that hyung!" Minho chuckled, then suddenly a shorter boy, with a heart shaped smile was next to him, " I'm Jisung! Oh, also a junior." He bounced, smiling wide at Minho, " Hi " Minho internally facepalmed, why am I so damn awkward, but Jisung seemed to smile even wider while swaying closer, Chan cut off his self depicting thoughts, " Right, then the buff one is Changbin, and the freckled cutie is Felix, both juniors." Chan sighed with relief of finally being done. Changbin and Felix were arm and arm but both waved and smiled at Minho. " Wait, we didn't give you a chance to introduce yourself." Jisung said with a small pout, he's actually so adorable, brain stuttering, " Oh I'm Minho, I'm a senior." Strings of "oh" sounded through, "Did they give you your schedule yet?" Chan asked. Minho shook his head, "No, they just told me to go to the office when I got here." "So useless, they know how confusing this school is, I'm glad we found you." Chan said with a gentle smile, god are you so lonely because what are these warm and fluttery feelings? "Thank you guys again, I'm sorry if this is super out of your way." Minho said, looking down again. "No need to be sorry, you aren't bothering us at all Minho hyung!" Freckles, Felix exclaimed. Minho made a small noise, they were already calling him hyung? They seemed so genuine and nice, nothing like the people he had met before. Nothing like the snide comments he would get about his parents, or the comments about his looks being the first thing rather than nice introductions,

" Woah, he even looks like a pretty boy, his parents are rich Politicians right?" " Yeah I heard they had to move because he was caught with another boy" "I thought it was because his dad was seeing a dude coworker?" " Oh so like father like son, gross." Murmurs continued, Minho had just sat down, he hadn't even said his name yet. Refusing to look back at the other students, that is where the bullying in what was supposed to be a fresh start, really began.

Minho shook his head at the memories of last year, as they continued to walk and taking many turns, he tried to memorize the way. They were all chatting like they've known each other for years, it was really refreshing for Minho. He never had friends, never had a nice environment like this, and Jisung was trying to involve him in their talk but Minho just nodded and made small noises to show he was listening. Too soon, they made it to the office; " Okay this is it, do you want one of us to go with you?" Chan tilted his head. "Oh! No this was more than enough, I have to set up multiple things so it may take awhile. Thank you so much again." Minho said, his nerves rose at the thought of talking to new people. Changbin? waved him off " Nah it was no big deal" " Oh hyung, lets hope we have some classes together!" Jisung clasped his hands together. Cute, Minho smiled and looked down. They all said "see you later" and turned to walk back. Minho turned and walked through the doors, this is gonna suck.