It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Arcade Breakdown

Minho's hands were shaking, sweat started prickling up on the back of his neck. He was trying to keep his ragged breath at bay knowing that one of the boys could walk into the public bathroom at any time. His stomach was still rolling from vomiting a few minutes ago, it felt as if his body was being slammed with waves of anxiety. They had planned earlier to spend a few hours at the arcade later in the day, Minho had only been once back in middle school so the others were excited to play the new games with him. But he was starting to get overwhelmed very fast, his brain was constantly berating him on how bad he was at everything, and how he was starting to frantically assume they were regretting bringing him along. He didn't know what started the anxiety attack, but the last straw was when he glanced over to the left side of him after failing a shooter game he had seen someone who looked eerily similar to one of his old "friends". Which in turn caused his brain to snowball with poisonous memories, 'What a loser, his lack of talent for everything is so embarrassing' Someone said while walking by him, 'Who invited this freak to play with us' one of the boys scoffed at him, 'Aw look he's all alone, even failing at the Claw Machine' backed by snickers. Lets just say the middle school trip to the arcade was the last time he went out with people. He needed to calm down fast, he knew Chan would do a head count and see he was missing. He flushed the floating bits of whatever Jisung was giving him small bites of, and went to splash his face with cold water. After doing so he let his hands sit under the icy water for a minute. Working on his breathing next, only to jump when the door opened. It was a little dim, but Changbin could see the color drained, tired look on Minho's face. Even he grimaced as Minho tried to smile at him, "Hey Bin." Minho's voice croaked, he had forgotten to sip on at least a small amount of water. "Hey hyung... do you need me to get you anything?" He wasn't going to beat around the bush and act like nothing was wrong. All of the boys had made a small plan, if Minho were to get overwhelmed or uncomfortable, they packed a sports drink, and painkillers for him, and set a code word to gather everyone and go back home. "No thank you, I'm okay Binnie." Minho flinched as Changbin took a step closer, causing him to frown, "Hyung, you don't need to push yourself, lets go get the others and head back to Innies' yeah?" Changbin kept his voice soft, putting a hand out towards Minho. This seemed to have the opposite desired effect, Minho shook his head frantically, his breathing almost instantly went back to being ragged and short. He could not ruin their fun, he was being an over dramatic child. He planned on finding a corner to sit in while the others played till their heart's content, already planning on ways to punish himself for freaking out this bad over nothing. "N-no I'm really okay. Please don't tell them, I-I can't keep ruining your fun. I'll be okay." Minho rushed out, bringing his still wet hands to wrap around himself. He started to walk towards the door, as Changbin reached out to stop him, instantly pulling back. Minho flinched so hard a whimper escaped his throat. "I'm sorry" Minho said, and ducked out of the bathroom, leaving a concerned Changbin. That happened so fast he couldn't even get words out to even attempt to comfort his hyung. He whipped out his phone, texting Chan the code word, Chan called him not even five seconds later. "Where is he? Is he okay? I'll grab-" "Chan hyung calm down okay, I think someone should just stay with him to calm him, he really didn't want us to leave because of him." He knew that would make Minho even more distraught. "Okay...okay I'll send Jisung, do you know what caused it, or how bad he's feeling?" Chan sounded lost. "I don't know what caused it, but I went to comfort him and he flinched so hard, I... don't know hyung." Changbin's heart ached at the very fresh memory. "You did well, Binnie, especially with telling someone so fast, are you okay?" Chan's voice softened, "Yeah, yeah I'm okay hyung, we were in the bathroom by the way." Changbin breathed out, he needed his Lixie right now. They hung up, Changbin completely forgetting his need to use the restroom, his new mission to hug Felix was the only thing on his mind.

Minho had no idea where his body was taking him, but he had found the exit and walked around to the side of the building. It was a dated brick building, he leaned against jagged bricks, taking a deep breath as he let the sharp edges dig into his back. He felt tears slip, he really didn't want Changbin to see him like that. He had been trying his best not to flinch in front of the others, his mind was just screaming at him, since he couldn't hurt himself right now, his brain was playing memories that cut deeper than he ever could instead. He wrapped his arms around his chest, swaying to try and soothe himself. He just needed to get it together and walk in there like nothing happened. But a wave anxiety and nausea crashed into him, making him shudder, he lurched forward at the sudden twist in his stomach. He wheezed, then his phone started ringing, causing him to choke on his breathe. Jisung's name lit up the screen, Minho hadn't even realized it was getting dark out. He answered without thinking, his brain was frazzled and numb all at once. He brought the phone up to his ear but didn't say anything. "Minho hyung? Are you there? Where'd you go bub?" Jisung's soothing voice filtered through, Minho chuckled internally but still warmed up, Jisung only called him 'bub' when he knew something was wrong. He sighed, he just wanted to listen to Jisung talk, even thinking about talking tired him out more. On the other side of the line, Jisung was worried sick from the description he was given by Changbin. His own nerves spiking, but he understood how much of a struggle talking is through an attack of any kind. "Okay, hyungie do you think you can come find me instead? I'm right at the entrance." That Minho could muster up to do, "Mm, yeah." Minho gasped out and sniffled. A small amount of relief flooded Jisung, "Good job hyung, you're so strong." Minho scoffed, but pushed himself off of the wall and made his way back inside. Once Jisung saw him he put of an experimental hand and hung up. Minho didn't wanna be touched, his nerves were tingling, seemingly burning under his own touch. Minho frowned and lightly shook his head, he squinted and looked down ready to get yelled out for being ungrateful. "Hey you're okay hyung, lets go sit and watch the others play that puzzle game yeah?" Jisung's voice soften even more, frowning as he noticed what Minho was doing. He felt his heart break realizing Minho was preparing himself to get yelled at, and almost bracing to be hit. Jisung took a breath, he needed to stay level headed. Minho slowly looked up, and nodded. They walked over to the puzzle area, Minho was glad to see that they weren't shooting him any kind of pity glances. Chan and Hyunjin were a team, against Felix and a very clingy Changbin. Minho couldn't grasp whatever game they were playing. He glanced over to see the two youngest playing a zombie shooter game. His mind was starting to get fuzzy, his breathing had slowed to a normal speed even though his heart was still beating abnormally, silently deciding that his self depicting thoughts can rampage later, he scooted closer to Jisung and rested his head onto his shoulder sighing as he did so. "Its okay baby, no ones upset, I'm really proud of you." Jisung said as he rested his head onto Minho's. He didn't understand why he was proud of him for breaking down like a toddler. But his tongue felt like lead, so he just nuzzled deeper into Jisungs neck noticing that he smelt like soft vanilla and apples, like a dessert. He felt himself calm down faster watching the others have fun, and listening to Jisungs soft chuckles and remarks.

About an hour later, they were all tired out, they had been there for far too long ready to go home especially to snuggle in a pile and binge a show. They were worried sick, Minho looked pale, and empty. Once they got back to Jeongin's, they all took turns showering. Leaving Minho, Jisung, Seungmin, and Jeongin all organizing the prizes, "Oh hyungs!" Jeongin started " I won these for you guys." He pulled out a little puppy plush and handed it to Seungmin, "Oh thanks Innie." Seungmin smiled as he played with the soft ears. "For my bunny hyung," he said while handing the squirrel plush to Minho, then turned to Jisung, " and my squirrel hyung." giving him the white bunny plush that was slightly bigger. Jisung chuckled as he attacked Jeongin with a hug and was attempting to kiss him. Minho stared with a soft smile, but confusion was written on his face. He wouldn't press why they were given the opposite, because he really wanted to keep the squirrel plushie.

The last two to shower were Minho and Seungmin. They insisted he take the first shower, but Minho wouldn't budge, he had put a damper on their evening already he did not deserve the first, warmest shower.

***

He stepped into the bathroom, making sure to hide his jewelry box in his clothes, he set the shower to ice cold and stepped in. Instantly sitting on the shower floor, blade in hand. He finally let himself feel the anger, disgust, annoyance towards himself he was suppressing the whole evening. The metal was colder than the water, instantly being overpowered by a burning hot sensation that came with the first slash. He gasped, he went deep, his head fogged over as he kept rapidly cutting at his skin. Frustrated tears were building up, he hated himself so much, he just wanted to be normal like the others. He sensed the regret oozing off of the boys, of course they regret ever talking to him. They were finally realizing how much of a freak he truly was. The urge to die right here, right now was bubbling up. He froze, then threw his blade down away from him before he could do irreversible damage. They didn't deserve to find him bleeding out in Little Innies bathroom. Minho did daydream for a second about it though. He looked down and his stomach dropped, the shakiness was back, adrenaline was wearing off. He was bleeding profusely, "This is going to take forever to stop" he mumbled to himself. He sat there breathing slowly as he let the water stop the bleeding. He sighed sadly as he stepped out. Cleaning up quickly, and went to join the others.

***

Hyunjin was the first to notice Minho walk in, he had a gnawing feeling in his gut which only grew when Minho's shower was getting longer and longer. Minho somehow looked even more pale. Hyunjin shot Chan a look. Chan knew right away, he quietly asked Jisung if he could make Minho some tea with a good amount of sugar in it. "Hey Min, wanna sit right here?" Chan asked the desolate boy while patting the cushion next to him. He shuffled over, and plopped down sitting stiff. " Do you want to cuddle Min?" Chan asked while opening his blanket up. Minho looked back at him, Chan could see the sadness, and what scared him the most, the hopeless defeat in his eyes. Minho couldn't resist that dimple smile, he shuffled back, and wiggled into the blanket and embrace. He melted into Chan's warm hug, his stress melting away so easily it scared him. "I love you Minho." Chan whispered into Minho's ear, causing him to shudder, tears flooded his eyes. God, when was the last time someone told him they loved him? Minho quickly nuzzled his head into Chan's arm that was wrapped around him and lightly cried. He heard movement and a mug being set down, "I made you Chamomile tea hyungie." Jisung softly stated. Minho cried slightly harder, he didn't deserve this kind of care. Chan started rubbing patterns onto his forearm, accompanied by a larger hand steadily patting his back. And finally a hesitant hand started gently playing with his still damp hair. The others were still lightly chatting. Then he heard Fruits Baskets start to play, pushing him further into a calm state. He peeked his head to see everyone cuddled around them, he sighed.

I'm gonna miss this.

~Stay Safe and Stay Hydrated Loves~