It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Ripped Open

Minho took a breath as he pushed through the doors to the studio. He had already changed into a matching blue set of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. He noticed Felix was already stretching, "Minho hyung! You can put your stuff on those chairs." Minho followed where Felix pointed too; he was impressed, this was a much nicer studio than his last school's, and obviously better than his small area at home. He walked over to start stretching along with Felix as Hyunjin walked in. "So hyung, do you have any particular choreo you wanna learn, or do you just wanna have fun?" Hyunjin asked as he too started warming up. "Oh, I'm fine with whatever." He didn't want to disrupt any plans they already had. "We typically learn our current favorite songs, but recently we've been making choreography for our little Rachas' new songs." Felix said with a chuckle. "Oh that sounds so fun! Can I see what you've done?" Minho beamed, he loved choreographing even though he wasn't the greatest. Hyunjin and Felix were caught off guard by his unfiltered excitement, "Of course!" they both said. After they warmed up enough, Minho scooted all the way to the back to watch them. As a song rang out through the speakers, he instantly recognized it, ever since they told him about making music, he had been listening. They were extremely talented, they also just recently mentioned that sometimes the others would do the vocals, did he feel incredibly untalented around them? Absolutely. As Hellavator started, Minho watched amazed. Hyunjin being graceful but powerful with every move, somehow hitting every beat, accompanied with Felix's smooth and strong movements they moved perfectly together. As amazed as he was, he did notice some parts felt lacking, he noticed they were still piecing together the whole dance. Minho's head instantly thought of what moves they could put in. All too fast the song ended, Minho started clapping. "Eh that one was lacking, we still have a few kinks to work on, do ya have any ideas hyung?" Hyunjin asked. Minho really didn't want to overstep, he also didn't want to suggest something and they automatically hate it. "No pressure hyungie, we're open to any ideas, I bet you have really good pointers." Felix said with a smile. Lixie's smile could motivate him to do anything at this point.

They spent the next hour and a half working on it. Hyunjin and Felix kept glancing at each other with a 'I knew he was a natural' kind of look. They were arguing that Minho was far better than them, but of course Minho shrugged them off. They had finished up the song, going through it one last time, they were recording it for the others to watch later. Minho surprisingly didn't mind, he was having such a great time, his mind was solely focusing on dancing and spending time with the two others. He had made sure to eat something this morning and had a snack before this to insure he wouldn't pass out. But he could only do so much for the black dots to stop dancing in his vision, he was only slightly lightheaded. It was okay because they were cooling down and stretching. "I knew you were going to be amazing at this hyung, how long have you been dancing?" Felix asked, " I'm really not that good, I've only been doing this unserious since middle school I think? You guys though, are awesome." Minho said while stretching his hips. "Tch, yeah yeah, that's longer than us. You're like an actual natural. I can't wait to show the others later." Hyunjin said hopping over to his water, before taking a sip, "Hey hyung, do you want to come over, we're going to Sungie's." Minho's anxiety spiked, he really wanted to, but his dad hasn't let him go out with friends in years. Should he ask? What if he got hit for asking like last time? He really wanted to go though, his eyes started tearing up, he hadn't realized how worked up he was getting. It was like his brain was going into a tunnel filled with memories of his father's past beatings, and harsh words. Who would invite you out anyways. You're not going to a boys house alone, you freak. So you'd rather hang out with your little gay friends than your own family, nasty freak. Maybe Minho really was a freak, unwelcomed, and unwanted. "Minho hyung,  breathe with me okay, in 4 seconds out for 8... hyung I need you to focus on my voice okay." He could hear someone talking to him but he didn't know who, it did sound like a mix of voices. Suddenly a phone dialing noise was in his ear, he felt so out of touch. His hands were tingling, it felt like he was going to pass out, that was the only thing he could focus on. "Hello? Minho hyung are you there? Can you breath for me Min?" Jisung? When did he get here, he tried to focus, he felt his left hand reach for his other arm to scratch down harshly. The rush of pain didn't help, his right hand automatically making its way to the deep cuts on his thighs to rip open. He could still hear Jisung talking to him, between Jisung's soft words, and his now ripped opened cuts pulsating he could breathe again. But he felt a hand stop him, shit he was still in front of Felix, and Hyunjin. "Minho stop, we need you to focus and breathe with us okay hyung." Hyunjin's voice came through clear, filled with worry. "Good job Minnie hyung, I know you can do it, just calm down and focus on my voice okay." Jisung reassured. "I'm sorry" Minho mumbled, he was still gasping but was taking a few breathes. " Shh you have nothing to be sorry about, you're okay hyungie I promise." Jisung said, Minho sure didn't feel okay but hearing Jisung say that gave him hope. He finally could shift his gaze that was stuck on the wall ahead, down to his legs. Shit. He ripped opened some cuts on both of his legs, the pain was settling over him. Exhaustion was clouding him, how the hell am I going to explain this one? Hyunjin moved to phone away from Minho's ear, "Sorry Ji, Chan hyung should be here soon, I'll call you back if anything... I will I promise. Love you bye." Hyunjin sighed as he slipped his phone into his pocket. Minho was frozen, was he going to get yelled at, maybe get made fun of. Hyunjin is going to call him a freak and never talk to him again. "Hey, its okay, can you get up with me?" Hyunjin asked softly. Minho tilted his head up, looking past his eyes, but nodded. As he stood up, from the panic and all the world spun. Minho grabbed his head to stop the spinning, he lost his balance but Hyunjin had a firm hold on him. " I gotchya hyung, just hold on, I'm gonna walk you to the locker room okay." With shaky steps, they made it in the locker room. "Here sit down, drink some water, I'm going to go get my extra pair of sweatpants alright? You don't need to worry about Lix, I sent him to get Chan hyung." Hyunjin said while giving him his water. All Minho could do was numbly nod his head, he felt his mind giving up. Hyunjin came back only a few seconds later with his sweatpants. "Here ya go hyung, I don't have anything to clean you up with, so please promise you'll go home, or come with us and get them cleaned up." Hyunjin stated firmly, but softly. Minho snapped his eyes up to him, no one had ever reacted like that to his self harm, he was confused. "I- um yeah I promise. I'm really sorry." Minho said quietly. His head hung, as he took the pants." Minho hyung please, let us help you. It's okay, you have nothing to apologize about. If anything, I'm sorry I must have said something to trigger you." Minho shook his head. "No, no you didn't, it's just me." Minho felt his chest ache, he was so tired of this. "No I'm sorry I keep doing this, I keep bringing down the mood with my stupid fucking problems, I promise I won't keep bothering you guys with this." Minho's hands started shaking, god he really hated himself. He needed to get out, to leave, he put down the pants and grabbed his bag and darted his way to the locker room door. Before Hyunjin could even speak up, Minho was out of the door. Hyunjin quickly followed. "Wait hyung no, you don't bother us at all, please." Minho scoffed, but as he was going to leave out the studio door, Chan walked in, bumping into him. Rather than them just hitting each other and bouncing apart, Chan quickly held him by the shoulders, looking him up and down with worry. "Oof, Min oh I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" Tears welled up in Minho's eyes, he felt a hand on his back. Between that, Chan's worried eyes, and Minho being so, so tired, he cracked. He felt all of his built up emotions he had been suppressing for too long, the urge to no longer be alive clawed at his mind. Minho frantically started shaking his head, his breathing was getting shallow again, he couldn't hold it in anymore. He sobbed, his knees gave out but Chan caught him fast. "Okay, okay, let it out Minnie we're right here with you, you're gonna be okay baby." Chan said so softly, as he moved Minho to hug him in a position where Minho wouldn't feel suffocated. Chan and Hyunjin were whispering encouraging, and calming words as Minho clung to Chan's shirt. Waves of overwhelming dread and pain were washing over him, every horrible thing anyone has ever said to him, every strike he'd received. All the days and nights he spent alone, rotting in his room. All the cuts, scrapes, burns, bruises he gave himself. All the meals he skipped with no avail with his body dysmorphia. He sobbed harder and harder, until his head started getting fuzzy, and his limbs were tingling. "Min you gotta breathe with me... Please min you're gonna pass ou-" His hearing slowly went as the ringing got louder, and then everything went dark.

Chan's POV

"Okay Lixie calm down, how about you stay with Binnie and I'll go check on them." Chan said; Felix came running into the library, explaining the situation quickly. Lix nodded and sat down, Changbin pulled him into a tight hug. "Good job baby, he's gonna be okay." Changbin said softly, kissing his temple. Chan quickly walked out of the library, before breaking into a run to the dance studio. Hyunjin and him were discussing the potential idea of Minho self harming, Hyunjin was so worried. While Chan was also worried about the possibility of Hyunjin being triggered by it, he knew the other would come to him. Hyunjin was 10 months clean, he was proud every month reporting to Chan about his progress, so he wasn't too worried. He didn't expect to bump into Minho as he walked in, he looked so drained and sickly, but the blood soaking through his pants was the most concerning part. "Oof, Min oh I'm so sorry, are you okay?" As soon as he asked, he saw the distress wash over Minho as he almost instantly broke down. They held onto him for what felt like an hour, his breathing was becoming shallow and fast, he was going to pass out. And he eventually did. Minho's head was laid on Chan's shoulder, as Chan was stroking his hair he noticed Hyunjin was tearing up. "Hyune, you did good finding me, are you okay?" Hyunjin nodded and sniffled. " I was so taken aback I didn't notice him clawing his leg, I should have stopped him faster, I had to get Sungie on the phone I felt useless. And- and then he said stuff before storming out. I'm so worried, I-" Hyunjin covered his face, tears rolling down, he didn't realize all the tension he was holding in. "No Hyune, that was a good idea, you seriously did a good job. Wanna tell me what he said before trying to leave? Or do you need a minute?" Chan asked softly. Hyunjin shook his head, " No I'm okay it was just stressful. But he was just saying he was a bother, and kept repeating that he was sorry. I don't know, there was just something about his tone, it was so flat. I just wanna help him hyung." Hyunjin sniffled. " I know bub we all do, hopefully he'll let us in, how about we change his sweat pants and take him to Sungie's? I don't know where he lives or anything." Chan said he realized he didn't know much about Minho, his parents, if he had siblings, or other hobbies. Hyunjin nodded, and got up to go gather all of their stuff to leave. He handed Chan his sweatpants, he felt weird dressing him but he knew Minho would probably not want the others to see his blood soaked pants.

***Description of sh wounds.***

Chan's heart dropped, "Hyune, can you go get some wet paper towels please?" Hyunjin hurried off. Minho's cuts were the worst he'd ever seen, some looked like they needed stitches, ripping his gaze away from the split open wounds he noticed deep bruising, purple and yellow spots all over his thighs. Chan got a weird feeling, while it could be self-inflicted, it just didn't seem like it. Before Hyunjin got close enough, Chan covered Minho up. " Here hyung, I'm gonna uh go stand over there. I'm sorry I don't think I can handle seeing that." Hyunjin said with his head down, "That's perfectly fine, I'm proud of you for knowing your limits, I'll be quick." Chan said, giving Hyunjin a head pat. He went back to clean the still bleeding cuts, he just wanted to clean up the surrounding blood off.

***

Thankfully Hyunjin had black sweats. Chan sighed when he was done, and laid Minho down, he seemed to be sleeping. Him and Hyunjin got Minho onto Chan's back so they could go get the other two, and head over to Jisung's place. 

~Stay Safe, and Stay Hydrated Loves!~