It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Not Selfish

Hi Loves~ I just wrote a small (Quite long) one-shot, 'What Comes After Snow?' If you're interested! Okay NOW back to regular time updates for this fic!

Minho spaced out for a while...It was already dark? Maybe he fell asleep? He moved his head slightly to see Jisung still holding his hand idly, scrolling on his phone. Past him on the couch was Chan holding a sleeping Hyunjin. Minho sighed, catching the attention of the two. He froze, he didn't mean to. But Jisung smiled at him, usually that smile made him melt but right now...he felt emptier than usual. "Hi bub, are you finally back with us? Doctor Seo-nim and I tried to get you to sleep but he explained how sometimes that may be difficult from everything that's happened..." Minho slowly nodded, so he wasn't sleeping, which confirmed the pure exhaustion that settled in his bones. "Also they just brought food, it's soup and pudding," Minho turned his head away from him, "I know you hate soup but it'll be the best for your stomach, you have to take medicine right after." Minho tried to make a humming noise but nothing came out. "Are you up to eating now hyung?" Jisung asked, squeezing his hand. That, Minho can try to do, he mustered up as much strength to squeeze Jisung's hand, it barely worked but it was worth seeing Jisung's small smile. "Good job sweetheart, I'll scoot you up okay?" Oh, Minho wishes he could feel some spark of anything right now. He was scooped up against the headboard, and Jisung placed the food tray over him. In that time Chan had lightly moved Hyunjin and came over to the other chair on Minho's unoccupied right side. After taking a sip of water he looked down at the soup, it was just mushroom soup. He suppressed a gag, "Ew" was all he said. Jisung let out a laugh, putting his hand over his mouth, Chan huffed, "Yeah that doesn't look too good, the pudding does though." Chan moved to rub patterns in his forearms, he still had that slight phantom touch. Minho shrugged and brought his left arm up but paused mid-way through. Looking at the small red staining on the bandage. The nurse explained to him since he doesn't remember much, he'll most likely get flashbacks or nightmares. He sucked a breath in as the image of him slowly slicing down- Jisung held his hand, bringing it down to kiss the back of it, "I'm so glad you're still here..." he felt his heart try to kickstart a feeling but it didn't bloom quite yet, "I'm not." He whispered, something in his chest clenched seeing Jisung's pained expression, "I'm sorry...but," the pit in his stomach lessened, " I hope...one day I will..." Jisung rested Minho's hand on his heart, "We'll be here every step of the way for you Minho." Chan stated firmly. "It'll be hard, with a lot of shit things to get through, but please hyung, we are going to take it on with you. No matter what. You are good enough," Jisung reached up giving him a loose hug, whispering in his ear, "I'll always be there to make you pints of tea." He kissed his cheek and sat back down. There it was, there was that flutter in his chest, it was small but there. He didn't want Jisung to pull away though. Then it dawned on him, that was what he wrote in Jisung's letter... How did he forget about the letters? He choked on a lump in his throat, "What's wrong Minho?" Chan asked, worry filling his face. "Letters...I wrote to you guys...I assume you read them?" Minho mentally cursed at himself, he had a slight slur like his brain still isn't working fast enough. Doctor Seo-nim explained from overdosing on heavy sleeping pills and flatlining cut off circulation to his brain long enough that he may have lifelong brain issues, things like random loss of vision and hearing, but mainly speech issues. He looked side to side at both of their faces, "I'm not upset...I just...wish I didn't leave them. I could only imagine how scary and confusing because I'm still...here." He sighed, "I'm so sorry" "Please don't apologize baby, although when Lixie gets his hands on you he isn't letting go." Minho chuckled sadly, "I wanted him to know how amazing he was..." Chan hummed, "Everyone loves you so much, we learned from the things you said...Please Minho, we never want to lose you...let us in, let us help..." Minho sniffled, finally, warmth flooded him, and hearing Chan say that sparked the small will to live to come forward. He still felt like a fraud, and like he didn't deserve to keep living, but maybe, just maybe. He felt stuck in Limbo, filled with nothing but hate for himself, desperately praying he'd just die, to grasping at straws to live, to want to live, he only wanted to live to be with them...Unfortunately, that meant still being here, and alive... "Calm down hyungie, you're okay...we're gonna get through this. Breathe with me." He didn't notice his heart rate monitor increasing, he glanced toward Jisung's chest with blurry eyes and followed his breathing. He wanted to hold onto the warm feeling, the small flutters. His hand was still resting on Jisung's shirt, he flipped his hand and tugged. Jisung looked down and back up at him with a small smile, "What bub?" Minho tugged harder, he didn't wanna talk anymore he was tired. "I think he's asking for a hug Sung, you better hurry up before he hits you." Chan chuckled, and Minho nodded his head in confirmation. "Oh, sorry baby, come here." Minho was still feeling uncoordinated but he leaned as Jisung scooted himself up on the bed, gently pulling him in, patting his head with a steady beat. Minho pressed his ear to Jisung's chest listening to his slightly fast heartbeat. He felt Chan move away, but he tugged on his arm too, letting out a small noise. "I'm not going anywhere, you're okay Min."