It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Arm's Length

Was this it? Was this going to be the day Minho was to lose his last hope, his last sliver of happiness? He didn't want to, the words were on the tip of his tongue, Jisung was looking at him with the most caring eyes. But Minho felt scrutinized, mainly by himself, he wanted to rant and spill all of those deep dark secrets he's kept hidden for years. But with the nagging promise he had made to himself a year ago was repeating in his head, and Minho knew, if he let them in, if he trusted them and tried to love them like he wanted to. He would hurt them in the end. He rationalized, they will want me gone one day anyways. What am I going to do when they see how utterly broken I am, and are so disgusted they don't want me around? Knowing that the others were probably at the end of the hallway, and oh how much love Jisung carried in his gaze, he felt his mind slipping into the numbing clouds. He loved them. That wasn't good. And what does Minho do when something isn't good? He cuts it.

"Please Minho hyung we genuinely want to help you." Jisung pleaded, Minho's cold, empty eyes stared back. Jisung felt a shiver, Minho's energy shifted for the worst. "Listen, I really appreciate it but you all need to stop poking into what's not your business." Minho said coldly, but the shake in his voice could still be detected. Jisung went to say something, anything really, but Minho beat him to it. "I understand how much trouble I cause," Minho set down his tea, as he slowly got up from the bed, dizziness slamming into him like a truck, " and I'll leave so you all can enjoy the rest of your day." Minho gathered his charger and phone, refusing to look over at Jisung. His heart was beating erratically, his legs were starting to shake. "Wait Minho hyung no, that's not- we don't want you to leave." Jisung sputters, the shift in Minho was starting to scare him. He rushed out of the bed and over towards Minho, causing the other to flinch rather hard. Minho's sharp words died in his throat, Jisung's concerned gaze multiplied, "I-I'm sorry, but I want to be left alone." Minho said looking down at the floor, with a shaky exhale he continued, "Thank you for all that you've done for me Sungie." He looked up and mustered all of the energy he could to smile, hoping it didn't look as empty as he felt. Walking out to grab the rest of his things, he saw that he was right, the group was loitering behind a corner, he sighed. This hurts. Walking towards the living room he heard shuffling, he didn't have to turn around to know that they were probably scurrying from their spying place, huddling together to make a new game plan. As he was putting things in his bag, fighting off his blurred vision, Chan walked into the room. "Min... if you really need to go, let me drive you." "No thank you." Minho said sharply. He could daydream about how nice and relaxing a car ride with Chan would be, calming lo-fi beats he made specifically for driving, him reaching over to draw patterns onto Minho's bandaged forearms to soothe him. His heart clenched. This really, really hurts, but he needs to go home. This was going to aid in creating an arms length distance between each other. "Minho," Chan started in a stern voice, a tone that struck Minho in the worst way, the cool furry his father uses. He flinched at the thought, dropping his phone. His breath hitched, Minho almost dropped to his knees, a habit his father beat into him, "Please don't hurt- please let me go home." Minho begged, in the back of his mind he knew Chan would never hurt him. He saw the way Chan winced, " Minho I would never... force you to do something you don't want to do, if you insist on leaving on your own, just please tell one of us you got home safe okay?" Chan said firmly, but in an incredibly soft tone. "I will, I promise. Thank you for... allowing me to go home." Oh, maybe Minho shouldn't have worded it like that... Seeing the way Chan's breath got caught made Minho nervous. "Minho, you can do whatever you want- we would never make you stay. We want you to be comfortable." Chan tried to reassure, but Minho's brain was stuck on how much he'd be punished if he ever did this to his father, or the people he used to call friends for some reason. He felt too awkward to say goodbye to everyone, so he was just walking to the front door, "Minho hyung... I'm sorry I- you didn't feel comfortable here-" "Hyunjinnie don't apologize, this is all me. I had a really good time until... I messed it up. Thank you for having me over." Minho needed to get through that it was him, his fault, none of theirs, they were perfect. Without waiting for a response Minho left. Started his...forty minute walk. He sighed, shoving his earbuds in, blasting his 'sad but bops' playlist. Relishing in the way the cuts on his thighs stung every time he tenses, and the way his waistband dug into the scrapes on his stomach. Step one was complete.