It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Right Off The Ledge

TW:Nightmares of Domestic abuseSelf depicting thoughtsSelf-destructive behaviorSelf-hateSelf-HarmSuicidal IdeationSuicide Attempt

This one is rough... so take care of yourselves

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As if the world was against him, he had a never-ending nightmare. Being trapped in that room, headphones uncomfortably on, blindfold strapped too tight, knees hurting from the hours of sitting, yelping when the whip crashes onto his back- he jolted up, cold sweat clinging to his body. Unfortunately, he woke both Jeongin and Jisung up. Jeongin groaned and Jisung already snapped awake,   "You're okay Minho, You're safe."   Jisung's rough morning voice grounded him, he clutched his chest and reached a hand to rub his own back, Jisung soothingly patted his back,   "Nothing's there, you're okay baby."   Jisung said softly, kissing his shoulder, Minho gasped for air but calmed down eventually. He moved Jeongin to the side so he could fall asleep in a more comfortable position and got up, his body uncomfortably sweaty still, he crouched in front of Jisung and put his head down on his knee.   "Sorry for waking you up."   Jisung hummed but didn't touch him, knowing how sensitive he is after those types of nightmares.   "I'm glad I woke up to help you, you gonna take a shower and come back?"   Minho took a deep breath and tapped his phone,   "Mm, it's seven already so no, I'll go start breakfast."   Jisung pouted, Minho patted his knee,   "We fell asleep early for once so they're gonna wake up soon."   Jisung nodded,   "That's true, I'll help."   Minho smiled and stood up, kissing his cheek before going to shower.

He slipped into the lukewarm water, lightly scrubbing vanilla, rosewater soap down himself and avoiding actually looking at his body. He tried thinking about anything else other than his nightmare, his father, and his body. He was getting twitchy...Did he know that smoking would be a horrible idea? Yes of course, did he care? Not at all. But right now... it's been only a day and he was feeling it...Perhaps chain smoking wasn't the best move...He can't leave now... unless Jisung went back to sleep... He could whip something up really fast and use being out of something as an excuse... He quickly wiped himself down and threw his clothes on, sighing in relief as he saw Jisung slumped and holding a pillow. He quietly made his way to the kitchen to look for anything... Pausing as he looked at the scones. That's breakfast... He nodded to himself and made side dishes, eggs, and those sausages Jeongin liked. He was done in ten minutes, prepping the coffee, and actually looked for something that they may need, silently cheering as he found no sugar. He quickly got his jacket, keys, wallet and lighter, slipping out of the front door with ease. He huffed as there was more snow on the ground. He walked faster to the convenience store and to his wonderful luck the same girl was there, she gave him a sad look but got his cigarettes.   "Have a good day Minho..."   "You too..."   Minho looped the plastic bag on his arm and already had a cigarette lit. Closing his eyes as that rush of chemicals washed over him. His anxiety left, and the horrible ash coated his mouth. He walked in circles in a neighborhood just in case Seungmin came looking for him. He went to check his phone to find that he left it,   "Fuck...Sung's gonna be pissed..."   He sighed and took a long drag, his fingers burning as the butt got closer, he contemplated for a second before lifting his sleeve and putting out the cigarette.   "Fuck..."   He hissed and threw it, lighting another. He let out a long exhale and kept walking. Letting his mind blank. 

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He walked back inside, heart stopping when half of them were awake, and now had their attention on him, he glanced over Seungmin and Hyunjin and locked the door,   "Sorry we ran out of sugar."   he saw Seungmin sigh, fucking shit he was still sucking on a damn mint, Jisung looked over the couch to face him,   "You gotta make sure to take your phone hyung...I was worried."   Minho cringed,   "I know I'm sorry, it won't happen again...I made food..."   Chan took a breath,   "Thanks Min, go drink something warm okay?"   Minho nodded and slide off his thick jacket, gasping because his sleeve was still rolled up, bubbled-up burns on display, he casually pulled down his sleeve and brought the sugar to the kitchen. Jisung latched onto him as soon as he got his coffee. Seungmin nudged him with his hip and poured his own cup, giving Minho the look. Minho averted his eyes back down to Jisung, whose nose was shoved into his sweater on his chest. Jisung pulled away, eyebrows knitted together and he looked up,   "You smell like smoke."   Seungmin coughed as he swallowed his sip and looked over, Minho hummed,   "I was walking behind an old dude smoking?"    Jisung hummed, hopefully, it was faint enough for him to believe that... Jisung grumble and moved his head.   "We have to take meds."   Jisung reached and popped open his bottle. Minho internally sighed and saw Seungmin in the corner of his eye shake his head and leave.