It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Punishment

* Implied Non Descriptive Domestic Abuse*

As Minho panted, he was glaring at himself in the mirror. White spots clouded his vision, but he was ignoring them. He was in his home gym, dancing to randomly chosen songs. It was the only thing that let him completely forget about pretty much everything, just letting his body move freely even though he was deathly tired, it was still fun. He was planning on skipping school, but it was Friday, meaning he would spend the whole weekend being punished for skipping. It was still early, his parents had left for work, but he would still be a little bit late for first period. So he shut off the music and took a fast shower, thinking about his tiresome walk he had ahead of him.

Minho shuffled into his first class, which was English.

His first day in the class, Felix made sure Minho could sit next to him, Felix practically shoved the kid who was sitting next time him with a big smile saying something along the lines of "Sorry but my new bestie needs this seat, there's plenty of seats in the back of the room." Minho chuckled, but apologized to the kid.

He was about twenty minutes late, Minho wasn't in the worst of moods, he was in his "fuck it" mood. Was that a good thing? To Minho, yes he wasn't drowning in his bitter feelings. Was it still bad? Most definitely, his parents will find out how late he was and will punish him in some way for this. But who was Minho to care about that? He was just going to walk to his seat and sit mindlessly, he can worry about missing all the work another time. His teacher had other plans though, " Mr. Lee, it's your first week and you're already starting to come in late huh? Do I need to call your father?" Minho rolled his eyes; they always threatened to call his dad, even though his mother was higher in the field. Minho glared at his teacher, catching Felix's worried but amused face. "Sorry Sir, I woke up late, at least I showed up right." Minho gritted out, maybe he could have kept that last part out but oh well. "Late, and being disrespectful huh? This is your only warning Lee, come get the assignment." His teacher huffed while sitting back down. Minho rolled his eyes again while going back to his seat, Felix gave him a smile. "Good morning Min hyung, I already finished it was super easy, do you want my answers?" Minho blinked, his mind was still somewhat blissfully empty, although the reality of what was happening was snapping him back. Oh, I shouldn't bother Felix and make it seem like I'm using him. "Mm morning, I'm okay though thanks." Minho said with a small smile. Minho was starting to feel bad for not seeming like he was putting anything into their conversations. They would normally talk his ear off, but he struggled to add anything himself, although he was thankful they seemed to notice he enjoyed them talking but wasn't comfortable enough to add anything back. After being ridiculed, made fun of, and in worst situations hit any time he would talk or look someone in the eyes, Minho's body was trained to stay quiet and look down.

Thankfully his day was going by quite fast, it was already lunch. Although he hated "lunch" itself, he found himself enjoying the chaos, and fun conversations that would occur. He learned a lot about the boys, he knew Chan, Changbin, and Jisung all worked on music together, calling themselves "3Racha '' which Minho found very interesting. Seungmin and Jeongin were in choir, but Seungmin was also in a small boxing club. But most interesting to Minho, was that there was a dance studio with an unofficial group, they were just students who enjoyed dancing without competing. Hyunjin and Felix were the only official "club" members. He hadn't told them he was into dancing, he was too embarrassed to tell them even though they were literally in the dance club. It's just that his parents would never let him dance, because it 'will get on the way of his studies'

As Minho was walking to their table, Jisung waved him down. "Hey! Channie and Binnie hyung are going to pick up some Subway or something, what d'ya want hyung?" Oh that's too much trouble, and too much food in general. From his workout this morning, Minho made sure to drink a protein shake on the walk to school, so he was still surprisingly full from that. Minho shook his head, "I'm okay, I don't want anything." Jisung and the others frowned, Oh did I say something wrong? "Are you sure, it's on me, do you at least want a drink?" Chan asked with a slightly hopeful face, but that was too much, Minho didn't do anything to deserve a drink Chan would get for him. So he shrugged it off, "No thank you, I'm okay hyung" he still said with a smile. He sat down, seeing in the corner of his eyes Chan and Changbin were discussing something through eye contact. " Oh Minho hyung, do you want these mixed nuts I really don't want." Hyunjin offered with a worried smile, Minho didn't see any of the worried glances because he was looking down at his twisting hands. His stomach was starting to twist in discomfort, why were they being extra nice? Minho noticed his hands were starting to shake, was this it? Were they finally going to turn on him, setting him up to make fun of him? Minho shook his head, " No thank you." It came out sounding more stressed then Minho had wanted. Minho couldn't tell if his breathing was picking up or not, but the shaking was getting worse, his cheeks were heating up. He didn't want to lose them, his crippling mental health was at bay because of them. He was stupid for ever thinking this time would be any different. He really wanted to go home. His left hand started digging into the deeper cuts on his thighs, that helped ground him a bit more. God I should have just killed myse-"Hey Minho breath, its okay. We were just offering Min, no pressure." Chan snapped him out of his thoughts, oh so they were noticing, how embarrassing... " Is it okay if I touch you Min hyung? You're safe I promise." Minho faintly heard Jisung's soothing words. "Y-yeah, I'm sorry." Minho gasped out. With that Jisung and what felt like slightly bigger hands reaching out, Jisung was holding his hands together while the other hand rubbed his back. " No you're okay hyung, just breathe with us okay? We're sorry for overwhelming you." The soothing hands were actually calming Minho down faster than he thought, he could finally focus on the fact that Chan and Changbin had left to get lunch, while the others were trying to distract themselves with their conversation. Minho could finally breathe normally, nausea settling in his stomach. He finally realized Hyunjin was the one rubbing his back, " Thanks guys, sorry I don't know what that was, bad day I guess." Minho hasn't had a panic attack in front of people in awhile, thankfully that wasn't the worst he's had. "You're okay hyung, if you ever have an attack like that again, I'll be right here for you okay?" Jisung said so softly Minho's chest ached. "How'd you know it was a panic attack?" No one has ever noticed he experiences panic attacks sometimes, the few times he was just scoffed at for seeking attention, or being overdramatic. "Oh? I kinda have an anxiety disorder, I'm on medicine to help but I know how my panic or anxiety attacks can be like. So I promise I can help anytime you need me okay?" Jisung said the last part squeezing Minho's hands, with the softest smile. Minho's chest fluttered, no one was ever so considerate to him and Jisung was so, so cute. "And we all can help in small ways if you're comfortable. We're really sorry for pushing you we were just worried." Hyunjin said as he continued to rub patterns into Minho's back. They were worried? About what? "Worried? I didn't mean to worry you guys?" Minho's eyebrows furrowed. " Well yeah, we just are concerned about your health, we never um see you eat, and you uh seem really tired today. We just wanted to help." Jisung rambled, " What Jisung hyung is trying to say is that we are just worried about you in general, but we are really sorry for pushing you, all of us really care about you hyung so if there's anything you need we're right here." Jeongin spoke up, Minho finally looked up, were there tears in his eyes? " Oh... thank you guys, that means a lot to me. I'm really okay though please don't worry." Minho said with a sad smile, he couldn't be a burden to more people. They didn't need to deal with his bullshit. His stomach continued to sour at his thoughts. "We are always gonna worry about a cutie like you." Jisung said with a breathy laugh, still clutching Minho's hand. Minho replied by squeezing Jisung's hands back, " Sorry for ruining the mood." Minho said as his smile faded. " You'd never ruin anything Minho." Chan said, his hand ruffling Minho's hair, Minho tried not to flinch but his head was a sensitive spot. Seeing the concerned frowns, Minho quickly chuckled, " That was fast, there's a store right across the street right?" Chan blinked, still having his worried aura "Yeah traffic isn't bad either, I know you said you didn't want anything but I got you a tea I've seen you drink a few times." Chan said, rubbing the back of his neck. Minho smiled, Chan was so thoughtful that he couldn't even feel like a bother, "Oh thank you hyung!" With that they settled into their normal lunch going ons.

It was the last class of the day, Minho was starting to tremble at the thought of going home. He just wanted to go home, cuddle in his blanket and watch his comfort anime. He knew when his dad got home, if the school called to say Minho was late like his last school did, he would be beaten down mentally and physically, and grounded for weeks. Be put on another "No dinner for the weekend" which Minho obviously didn't care about much, although the weekends were his metabolism days he couldn't care less. Minho shivered at these thoughts. " Hyung, do you get #5, what the heck is it asking?" Jisung stressed, thankfully snapping Minho out of his crippling thoughts. " Yeah look at my answer for reference."

He was walking home, at this point he was shaking, his limbs were aching from the shaking, tensing from all day. Jisung and Changbin were trying to convince him to hang out with them after school, Minho surprisingly wanted to, but knew his parents wouldn't let that happen. He brushed them off as nicely as he could, " Let me see what my parents say, okay?" He said as he waved goodbye.

When he got home, he quickly showered. He thankfully didn't have homework, he had two hours before his parents came home. Technically, he could go hang out for an hour and come right back. Was he going to bother them though? No, especially because he was so mentally tired. Minho opted to do chores, since cleaning helped clear his mind, and would make his parents happier.

As Minho was doing the last of his cleaning; the dishes, the front door opened. He couldn't see from the kitchen if it was both of his parents, but the sound of two people taking off their shoes gave it away. "LEE MINHO '' Minho flinched, dropping the hand towel, heart thumping in his chest he stepped under the kitchen archway that connected to the living room. "Yes sir?" Minho said quietly. "Oh, I thought you were upstairs." Minho's father said plainly but there was a low lying of anger. His mom dropped off groceries in the kitchen, "Minho, can you put these away I have paperwork to go through." "Of course mom." Minho said lightly, his mom actually smiled back at him, a hint of sadness and Minho will soon find out why. "So why were you late today." Minho's father asserted rather than asking. Minho's legs started to tremble. "I-I'm sorry, I slept in. I was only a few minutes late. It won't happen agai-" "It shouldn't have happened, how worthless can you be. You think you can just be late for things and apologize to make it better huh?" He interrupted while slamming his fist on the end table near him. Minho flinched, a quiet whimper escaping him, he didn't know what to say to make this situation better. Tears were threatening to spill. "Oh you're going to be silent now huh? Go to my office after you put all of that shit away." Minho looked up absolutely terrified, going to his office meant a merciless beating. He shakily went over and put away all of the food, with his head down he made his way to his fathers' office, he let his tears slip. 

Stay Safe and Stay Hydrated Lovelies!