It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Sick Competition

TW:
Weight-Numbers
Nightmares about non-descriptive Sexual abuse and Child Abuse
Talk of Self-harm
Suicidal Ideations/ Thoughts
Eating Disorder talk and habits

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Minho squinted at the backlit number on the scale 114.7 lbs... Not bad but not good, it's been four days so it's probably just water weight... he's eaten dinner and that's it...was his stomach cramping? Horribly, was his medicine causing more nausea and cold chills? Yes. Did he care? No not really, but the others did. He kind of had tunnel vision though, with the new developments with Jisung he needs to be better, look better, he also came to the realization in the shower three days ago, he can't...cut if Jisung's going to see him... He's been itching but...remembering what Jong-dae did to him when he had open cuts...he didn't want a repeat of that. He's been just bruising and scaping small areas of skin off. Wasn't the best...but it worked. It was currently four a.m. and he couldn't go back to sleep, he shuffled the scale back and bundled up quietly, trying not to wake Jisung, Felix, and Changbin. He sniffled and huffed a breath. It was freezing cold out...it was nice...even though he was always freezing. He hummed and scrunched his nose, the cold attacking his skin. He yawned and started his walk.

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Jisung stirred awake for the second time and Minho wasn't there like usual. He whined and sat up, accidentally tugging Changbin's arm. He tapped his phone, six a.m.... he shuffled out of bed and looked around, not finding him anywhere. Anxiety settled over him, he hated when Minho did this...all his brain looped back to was that night he almost lost him...What if he was standing on the edge of a bridge right now...He tapped his contact and brought his phone up to his ear, it rang and rang until he picked up, "Hi darling." He sounded like he was shivering, "Hi baby...where are you?" "Mm, just went for a walk, I plan on being back soon, why aren't you sleeping love?" Jisung scoffed, he could hear cars driving by... "Mm, I could ask you the same thing hyung...I woke up and you weren't there..." A short silence was on the other end, "I'll be back in...fifteen minutes and cuddle you until we pass out, how does that sound?" Jisung sighed and a smile grew, "Good...sounds good, can we stay on the phone?" "Course darling."

Minho internally groaned, he wasn't done walking yet... since they weren't going to the studio today he wanted a specific amount of time walking, it was alright...he was doing much more walking other days anyways... "Course darling." He said looking down at the rush of icey water, it was a good distance down...a fall into that ice sludge and sharp rocks would mean either certain death or irreversible damage...Both Minho's mind yearned for, he hummed, not today... and turned around to walk away from the bridge. "You haven't been sleeping well ever since your meds...should we go to your doctor?" Jisung asked in a soft voice, "I don't know...maybe? That would be the only cause...I like my dosage now though." Minho sighed, should he just get off of it? Jisung sighed, "Maybe it's something else? Like...you not eating enough...I'm not sure." Minho's insides flipped, "I don't know...It'll be fine." Jisung went silent, "Minho...we talked about this..." Minho frowned, he sounded so tired of him... "I'm sorry Jisung... I'll talk to my doctor." "I know it's hard and uncomfortable and goes against your own brain but...I want you to do these things for yourself..." Minho smiled, "One day...I'm working on it with your help. I've been sleeping way less and having cold sweats every day..." "Mm, he said that should have gone away weeks ago right?" Minho sniffled, "Yeah...can I tell you something?" Minho asked, switching hands, shoving his ice-cold hand into his pocket, "You can tell me anything honey." Jisung said softly, Minho hummed, "I'm three days clean..." Jisung made a small noise, "I'm so fucking proud of you." Warmth coursed through him, "Thank you..."