It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Unstable

I'm so sorry in advance...

Jisung groaned as he was being shaken awake, then he quickly realized Minho was no longer against him. He opened his eyes rather fast to see a terrified Jeongin staring down at him. "H-hyung is in the bathroom, he needs your help, well- they both do." Jeongin was frantically pushing out these words, Jisung's anxiety spiked. He instantly stood up shaking the sleepiness away. "Good job baby, I know it'll be difficult, but can you just stay here?" Jisung asked softly, he didn't want the youngest to see these stressful panic attacks, he's seen too many of Jisung's. Jeongin just nodded while taking a breath, "H-his arms hyung... I-" Jeongin tried talking, but he was choking down sobs that were trying to escape. Jisung heart dropped, did Minho hurt himself? "Shh baby, how about you cuddle up next to Hyune hmm? We can take care of Minho hyung I promise." Jisung said with confidence, but he was stressed, but Jeongin nodded wearily and shuffled over to Hyunjin. Jisung turned on his heels booking it to the bathroom. As he got closer, his heart clenched, forcing him to stop. There was whimpering, he took a deep breath and pushed on, His Minho needed him. He slowly walked through the threshold, not wanting to scare anyone, his heart stilled, the breath he took in halted. Chan was kneeling making himself lower, hands resting on the floor outstretched in front of him, murmuring soft words. Minho was against the corner where the bathtub and wall meet. His eyes were screwed shut, face dripping with tears, his lips were bloody with visible teeth marks cutting through the soft flesh. His hair was disheveled, both sides looked like he had tugged painfully, pulling out strands. His arms... from his elbow stretched to his wrist, he had peeled off layers of his skin, blood beaded up in some parts, other parts were bubbling over. Minho was whimpering in between incoherent words, frantically shaking his head, he seemed to be occasionally getting mad and hitting himself. Jisung dropped slowly to the floor, shuffling over to Chan, Chan looked over, worry was painfully painted on his face, "He won't respond to anything, h-he just keeps saying sorry." Chan grated out. Okay, his breathing is erratic but not hyperventilating. This is bad, his breathing, his incoherent mumbling, he was having a breakdown not necessarily a panic attack...Jisung took a breath. He placed his hand on Chan's thigh and gave a reassuring squeeze. "Minho hyungie, its Jisung. Can you hear me?" Jisung said softly, tilting his head as Minho looked down further. "Mm, m'sorry, I'm so sorry." Minho shakily said, he started rocking back and forth. Okay he responded..."Baby, there's nothing to be sorry about-" "Yes! Annoying, a fucking problem" Minho interrupted slightly raising his voice, he started punching at his thighs. Not good, not good. "Sweetheart, you're not being annoying or a problem, I need to breath with me okay. You're okay Minho." Jisung decided to drop the honorifics, hoping this will go through better. Minho was trembling, "Minho's sorry, don't wanna ruin everythin-ng, please just leave ill be o-okay." Minho sobbed, tears welling up. "Minho, you are not ruining anything, I refuse to leave you alone. You deserve to to have some help right now baby. Can I come closer Min?" Jisung slowly inched towards him. "Stress you out, I'm so fuckin- damn annoying" Minho was mumbling, gasping for air in between words. "Minho, you are not annoying, we love you so much, you are such a great person baby. Can you answer me though?" Minho slumped, and let out a huff, he seemed angry? Then he started lifting his knees, Jisung winced as Minho slammed them back down onto the tiles. He whimpered as he did it the first time. "Don't want you to see me, I'll calm down please, I'msosorry." Minho started, but he ended up slurring his words. "Minho, its okay to need help, I want to help you please let me in. You'd never be a burden to me." Jisung mustered up his softest tone. His heart was beating out of his chest, hands shaking. Minho finally looked up, shock splayed across his face, he must have said something right to get through. Minho slumped forward, loudly sobbing. Jisung's heart ached, but he shuffled closer until they were inches away. "Minho you are wonderful, we all love you so much, nothing will stop that. I've never thought you were annoying, a burden. I'm blessed to know you hyung." With that Minho pushed his knees up against Jisung's. He threw himself on Jisung legs, forehead resting on his thigh, he was cradling himself, squeezing his arms hard. Jisung went to rub his back, Minho's whole body flinched, a small noise coming out. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry please." Minho quickly sat back up, breathing picking up. Okay he was slipping into a panic attack, what was he apologizing for? "You're okay baby, do you want to be touched or not?" Jisung asked carefully, Minho's eyebrows knitted together. "Don't wanna... I-... my skins uncomfortable." Minho whispered, his breathing calmed slightly. So asking questions was helping him. Maybe he's overstimulated? Jisung went to ask another question, "Want a hug, but, no no I'm sorry, neverminded." Minho said without thinking, but Jisung shuffled himself until he was right next to Minho, facing him still. "Anything you want Minho hyung, I'm right here." Jisung said opening his arms, Minho looked numbly and leaned in awkwardly. Jisung was careful not to touch his forearms, he moved Minho's head to his shoulder. He started squeezing slightly, feeling Minho's shaky breath soothe. "Chan hyung, please can you get a water, and Hyune's weighted blanket?" Jisung asked, seeing Chan perk up. He was so concerned, he had no idea what would help. After Chan slowly left, Minho sniffled, a new round of crying starting up. "M'sorry Sung please don't leave me, I have to get better." Minho mumbled through the tears, Jisung's heart split in two. So that's where his head was at. "Minho please listen, we will never leave you, you don't need to do anything but be your amazing self. You're so strong. I can't tell you enough how proud I am of you." Jisung said firmly. Minho faltered, "I- why, I don't understand why. Are you messing with me?" After everything, Jisung's heart finally shattered. "Minho we are not messing with you, I swear to you we love you so much. We're going to make you make you realize why one day." Jisung said with full confidence. Minho sighed, and sniffled. Chan came back, water in hand and weighted blanket in the other. Jisung wasn't going to move Minho, Minho's body was probably beyond exhausted, so he moved him so he was finally off of his knees. He motioned Chan to drape the blanket over him, this should relieve his skin's stimulation. Minho melted. Chan started rubbing circles on Minho's thigh, Jisung carded his hand through his hair. Through the occasional sniffles. Minho calmed down, they sat there for almost an hour before he fell asleep. Chan carried him to Hyunjin's bed, Jisung behind carrying first aid supplies. They began treating and wrapping his forearms. They were both frazzled.

After they were done, they both sat on the chairs in Hyunjin's room. They both sighed loudly, glancing at one another. "You did amazing Sung." Chan smiled weakly at Jisung. "Anything for my Minho... that was... really hard." Jisung sniffled, his adrenaline was crashing, Minho self destructing flashed in his mind. "Oh Sung, come here." Chan got up and sat between Jisung's legs to hug him, patting his back on beat with his own heart. "Hyung, he- the things he was saying, h-his arms Chan hyung... he-he hurts himself, I felt bandages when we were- were cuddling. Channie hyung I can't, I need to help him." Jisung was sobbing. His chest was hurting just thinking about the pain Minho was feeling inside. "I know Sungie, just breath, we're gonna help him. Its going to take some time but we've got him baby." Chan hummed softly. Jisung practiced his breathing techniques, he was a little more calm a few minutes later. Jisung jolted in his seat, "Can you check on Jeongin? I left him to cuddle in the living room." Jisung rushed to say, Chan smoothed out Jisung hair. " Good job baby."

Chan walked fast to go check on Jeongin, he didn't expect for everyone to be awake. "Oh good morning guys." Chan thought he was being calm, normal, but the look on their faces begs to differ. "How is he?" Jeongin impatiently asked. "He's asleep, we he'd to soothe him for like an hour." Chan said with disappointment bleeding through. "I'm glad he's sleeping... But hyung, is he okay okay?" Hyunjin asked with his eyebrows slightly raising. Chan knew what he was alluding too, "No, no he's not." Chan slumped where he was standing. Seungmin stood up and made his way to Chan, pulling him into a hug, "Remember hyung, you can't fix everything right away. It's gonna take some time." Chan melted in the embrace. "Hopefully" he whispered back.

^^^

Jeongin was terrified, he had been there to see some of Jisung's worse panic attacks, but this...was different. To see his hyung rip at his skin, mumbling horrible things about himself, made him sick to his stomach. He went to lay with Hyunjin, promptly waking him up with his clunky movements. As soon as he sat up they both froze, a gut wrenching whimper, followed by a sob rang out. "Innie?" Hyunjin was wide awake at that point. "Minho hyung-he" Jeongin froze not really knowing what to say. Hyunjin instantly wrapped him in a hug. Seungmin was the next to stir awake a few minutes later. In his sleepy haze, he tried processing what was happening. He was confused on why Chan wasn't still here hugging him, and then he heard it "Yes! Annoying, a fucking problem" Minho yelling was extremely concerning, he sounded so distressed. He looked over as Changbin, started to wake up. They all listened, no one dared to make a move, especially not to wake up Felix. Felix really didn't do well with these situations. Changbin mentally noted that he would rather fill him in then subject him to listening, and waiting like this. They knew Minho was struggling with something bigger, but they all thought it was extreme anxiety. But this... was more than that. And they were scared.

~~~

Minho's mind started to stir awake. His throat hurt, his arms were burning, a weighted blanket was placed in him. He jolted up, hearing a startled noise from the right side of him. "I'm sorry." Minho coward behind the blanket. "It's okay Minnie hyung, here baby, I made some tea." Jisung sheepishly held out the tea. Minho looked down at the cup...Numb. He snapped out of it and took the mug. "Thank you Sungie." Minho's voice crackled but he didn't care enough to fix anything. He was trying to piece together what on earth happened. He was having difficulties remembering everything, this usually happens, but Minho was feeling uneasy. Flashes of Chan being there. Jeongin being there. And Jisung being there. He felt like he was going to throw up. He's had plenty of those kinds of meltdowns. His father usually reduces himself into a heaping pile of a person. He never wanted them to see that... he glanced down seeing his arms wrapped. Well shit. Jisung reached to rub his upper arm, Minho flinched, spilling a drop of tea. "I'm so sorry" "Shhh Min you're okay." Minho sighed, and shakily took a sip of his tea, it was peppermint. "Minho hyung...We can't keep ignoring this."

He was right, he can't keep doing this to them. And with that, Minho made his decision with an aching heart...

~Stay Safe and Stay Hydrated Loves~