It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Cedar and Sage

TW: descriptive self harm scene, *** before and after

The drive went by entirely too fast, they both sighed as they unraveled from each other. Minho reached over to grab his bag, "Wow hyung your house is beautiful." Changbin said, nearly breaking his neck to see the whole thing. Minho chuckled at the sight, "Mm it's all my mom." Chan hummed, "Okay bub, please call me if you need anything." Minho silently nodded. "Let me know if the school project thing works okay," Jisung leaned over and placed a kiss on Minho's cheek, " please stay safe baby." Minho spluttered, cheeks heating up, "I-I will b-bye guys, thank you so much for the uh ride!" Minho scrambled out of the car, ignoring the laugh from Changbin. He rushed to unlock the front door, waving before entering.

As he closed the door he exhaled a breath he had been holding, his face still warm. He found himself smiling like an idiot while taking off his shoes. As he stepped into the cold living room, he sighed, the pit that's been wavering all day in his stomach started to grow in the silence. His hands came up to his sides as he looked down in mild disgust. He hadn't worked out in a while, his body felt even more foreign. "Mm...I could do the stationary bike..." Minho pondered for a beat, then nodded. His ankle was still bothering him, and the stitches hadn't absorbed yet, so dancing was out the window. He sighed, as he shuffled to his room to change out of his sweater.

~~~

It was now nearly 6 o'clock, Minho was humming lightly to the song he was listening to while he did dishes, as he finished up and dried his hands, he smiled to himself. He had worked out for two grueling hours, and then started cleaning the kitchen right after, he had cleaned out the fridge, organized the pantry, and loaded the dishwasher all under an hour. He paused, he didn't think about it but this will definitely help convince his parents to let him go over to a friend's house. He already planned out what he was going to say, thankfully they never saw Changbin in his contacts. Under the group chat his name was 'Lixie's security' Minho chuckled at the memory of Changbin changing his name from 'the bin' to that instead, threatening to block anyone that tried to change it. He continued to clean, picking up a duster to lightly dust the living room, and foyer. Something he does every week. After that, Minho made his way to the laundry room, he knew there were towels and blankets to fold and put away. When he was halfway done he heard the front door open, thankfully not slamming shut. He quickly turned off his music, taking out and putting away his ear bud, and went back to silently folding. After he heard some shuffling around for a few minutes, he heard them talking in the kitchen, he just ignored and kept folding and organizing things. "Minho dear, are you here?" He heard his mother call out. He quickly dropped the hand towel, and went towards the kitchen. "Yes?" He peeked his head in, carefully not making eye contact. "Oh, I was wondering if you could put these away?" She gestured to the few bags of groceries. "Of course." He automatically started putting the things away, "Oh, is father home?" "Mm he's in his office," she answered as she sorted through some mail, "Why?" "Oh I was going to ask you guys if I could go over to a classmates house to work on my biology project." Minho said, surprising himself that he didn't stutter. "And who is this classmate?" His father asked, Minho jumped, bumping his head and the freezer ceiling. He looked over to where his father was standing under the archway, cocking his head to the side. "H-his name is Changbin, the project is on-" "Minho please I've had a long day, I don't care about some biology project, you can go. I'm sure you remember your last punishment, so I trust you aren't lying right?" His father taunted, "No sir." Minho said quickly. "Oh if you're going overnight, take your medicine with you okay." His mother finally looked up. Oh right, they were supposed to 'talk', his mother never actually did though, but she did start looking at him with slight disgust. "Yes I will. Thank you so much." He put the last thing away, and quickly left the kitchen, the tension around his father was terrifying. He went to finish folding the towels and things, he got lost in his thoughts. He could go over tonight, which meant good sleep, and being with them all day Saturday...leaving Sunday to gather his thoughts and get the last of what he needed to do done, and then finally Monday...Shit, Minho didn't think about how he couldn't skip school or his parents would figure out, and come home early... He shrugged, so he'll have to go Monday, already planning on dropping the letters off in Seungmin's locker. Seungmin went to his locker, once before 1st period, then last after 2nd period. So Minho could drop them off... before lunch maybe? He hummed, that seemed fine, Seungmin was the only one who went to his locker so it was the only non suspicious way. He made his way to his room, as quietly as possible. He made the mistake of walking too loud one too many times. He shut his door, glancing at the slight mess. He found his phone, he hovered over the unblock button. He sighed and rubbed his face... He was supposed to distance himself...the pit in his stomach grew. But he was obviously causing them stress and worry by not being around them for so long, so would this be better for them to cope with in the end? So many uncertainties, the gnawing pit grew. He raised his phone up again, unblocking Changbin, and called him. He took a sharp breath when he instantly answered. "Hyung, are you okay?" Changbin rushed out, the pit was making Minho nauseous now. "I'm alright Binnie, I just called to say I can come over whenever you want. To work on that 'biology project'" Minho sat down, muting himself to let out a shaky sigh. "Oh! Yeah, some of us are at my house which is pretty close to you, Hyunjin is bringing the maknaes over, he can swing by and pick you up? In an... oh like 40 minutes. Is that okay hyung?" Changbin said, Minho could hear Jisung cheering on the other end, tears prickled, "Yeah that's perfect, can you uh tell him to park at the end of the street to the right though?" Minho slowly said, not wanting to be a burden by asking for too much, but he didn't want his parents to see four people in the car. "Oh right of course Hyung, we'll see you later! I'll text when he's there okay?" "Mm, thank you Binnie." He hung up, setting his phone down. He started getting his things, his bag still had his toiletries, so he just threw some sweaters and things. Remembering to bring his biology book. A wave of nausea hit as he glanced at the letters, "I should bring those huh?" he mumbled to himself. When he finished, he saw he had thirty minutes left. He sighed and looked at his little box packed away, he needed to shower anyways. He grabbed it and made his way to the bathroom. He turned the dial only halfway, his body was hot from the nauseating stress settling over him, it felt like he hadn't hurt himself in like two days. It was starting to catch up with him. He peeled off his sweaty clothes, only sparing a glance towards himself. "ew'' He turned away and stepped into the shower. He washed his hair, and lathered himself with soap. He hadn't taken a proper shower in days...