It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Tease

TW: Self-harm wounds
disordered eating 

Hi loves! Sorry for the delay I've been nonstop writing for my other series 'What Comes After Snow?'...Oops

Minho was sitting on the couch criss-crossed looking over Chan's shoulder as he worked. They had a few minutes left until most of the others came back, the two youngest wouldn't be coming because they had family things to do, much to their dismay. Minho wasn't bored at all, watching Chan go into work mode was fun, he had no idea what he was doing but hearing random beats form into a song was interesting. He was leaning forward looking over, while he was using his hands to drum into Chan's back since he didn't seem to mind. "I hope you know I've been using the drumming of your hands to make this beat." Chan said with a small laugh, Minho stilled for a second and then continued, "I expect...copyright checks in the...mail." Chan laughed louder, "Of course, this could be the next hit." They giggled and he went back to silently working, Minho's phone buzzed, 'Jeekies' he smiled and picked up his phone, they all had been...not avoiding, but being careful with him. He had still yet to apologize to Hyunjin, waiting until he was actually home. "Hi, love." "Oh hi hyungie, we're on the way. Did Channie hyung feed you or did he forget while working?" Minho smiled softly, he was glad they were kinda acting like nothing happened, "I'm not...a dog, but he fed me." It was crazy how fast the side effects of certain medicines worked, today was the day he finally stopped that kidney medication, leaving him with slight nausea rather than the raging pain it left. And he lowered the dosage of the phenytoin, so his stutter hadn't been in every sentence, as long as he isn't really stressed or tired. "Mm right because you're a cat." Jisung said with confidence, Minho chuckled, "Sure baby, is uh...Jinnie coming...home?" Minho nervously played with Chan's sweatshirt collar. "Yup, the dancers missed you, they said 'It's been over eight hours, this is a sin.' " Minho hummed and huffed a stiff laugh, "No one would ever be mad at you baby." Jisung lowered his tone, Minho sighed, a bit of anxiety leaving him. "I was an...a-asshole..." "You were trapped in a scary panic attack baby, you're strong just for going through that. Which you do not have to go through alone." Minho scrunched his nose to stop a sniffle, "I know...Channie hyung already gave...me the s-speech." "Good! I made it to Bin hyung's car so we'll see ya at home." Minho's heart warmed, "Mm love you Sung." "Love you too baby." Jisung made a loud kiss noise and hung up, Minho giggled and threw his phone. "The kids are...coming home." Minho said and went back to trying to remember the beat he was tapping earlier. Chan snorted, "Damn kids give me a headache."

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ

Loud and on time the four filed in. Jisung and Felix made a bee line for Minho. Minho giggled as they, gently, attacked him, automatically cuddling into him. Changbin laughed at the sight and sat down next to Chan. While Hyunjin dispersed, putting their bags down in his room, thankfully it was Friday so he didn't have to argue with them about school. Truly they felt like his kids... And his check-up at the hospital was tomorrow morning, which he was extremely nervous about. "Mm I love...you guys but let me up." They let go and Jisung helped him stand up. He grunted, his leg hurt worse today. He kissed Jisung's cheek, "I'll be back...don't pout." He giggled and walked to Hyunjin's room, peeking his head in and knocking on the frame. Hyunjin was pulling his shirt down and slipping a cardigan on, "Hi hyungie." He smiled his usual bright smile at Minho, "Hi Jinnie...I wanted to... a-apologize for yesterday..." Minho struggled to get out. "Min hyung I'm in no way upset, I should have approached you in a better way." Minho shook his head. "N-No I shouldn't have...cursed at you, and pushed you...I'm so s-sorry." Minho played with his hands. He flinched back when Hyunjin was suddenly in front of him. Old habits really do die hard, he knew they would never hurt him but... "S-Sorry..." "Hyung stop apologizing." Hyunjin stepped back, "I accept the first one hyungie, but I have a question." Minho looked up a bit and hummed, "Can I clean your wounds up, or promise me you'll take care of them?" Hyunjin said in a lower tone, Minho felt uneasiness creep up as he hugged his arms and nodded, "Can...you?" Hyunjin hummed and held out his hand, Minho interlocked their hands and Hyunjin pulled him to the bathroom. Minho sat on the closed toilet, releasing a shaky breath, already regretting this...He did damage...Damage he didn't want Hyunjin to see. Hyunjin locked the door and turned to get the supplies out. Minho let out a sound close to a whimper when his chest squeezed so hard from nerves. Hyunjin looked up concerned, "We don't have to hyung, don't push yourself." Minho hummed, his voice sounded far away. He clasped his hands together tight, sighing at the tension. But it wasn't enough...He shut his eyes, trying to breathe. He was bombarded with the need to hurt himself. "J-Jinnie..." Hyunjin crouched in front of him, lightly touching his knees. "I'm right here." Please hurt me...I don't wanna do it myself... He shook his head a bit. "I-I wanna h-hurt myself..." He sucked a breath in. Hyunjin took a breath with him, clasping his hands around Minho's, "Breathe, focus on why you don't want to hurt yourself okay? I'm right here hyung." Minho nodded, letting out a stuttering breath. He didn't even like the horrible constant pain cutting brought... He only did it for anxiety relief...But...he deserved it. He needed some sort of punishment for all of his fuck ups. "Minho. You do not deserve punishment. You are human, not some robot that's supposed to be perfect." Minho sharply exhaled, he said that...out loud... Minho twitched, he wanted to shake his head, but also dig into his thigh. "I...don't like h-hurting so much..." Hyunjin nodded, "And you don't deserve going through that pain bub." But...but that goes against what he and his father had been instilling in him...Fuck...He's really fucked up huh? He wants to get better. He doesn't want to have constant borderline excruciating pain all the time anymore. He doesn't want to only feel good after hurting himself. He doesn't want to think the deep red lines are pretty... He took a breath, feeling his heart slow a tad bit. Although his leg was stinging really bad, "C-Can you start? It...hurts..." Hyunjin's concerned gaze softened, "Of course hyung, stop me when you need a break okay?" Minho nodded. He watched while taking full, normal breaths, as Hyunjin got cotton pads ready with disinfectant. He peeled his pants down to his knees, hiking his boxers up, he examined his stitches. They made him very uncomfortable. Hyunjin tapped his knee, "Ready?" Minho nodded, carefully just watching Hyunjin's hands. The cuts were far too deep...he didn't want to see them. Hyunjin hummed a song as he gently wiped, he went through so many cotton pads just from how deep they were and not being taken care of. Minho sighed, the disinfectant stung in a nice, cooling way. He looked up at Hyunjin as he turned to get another cotton pad, "Your hair...is so nice." Hyunjin smiled but kept working, "Thank you hyungie! I have a very detailed hair care routine, I shampoo twice a week, and have a treatment I use once a week." "Mm, the cotton candy-scented one?" Minho smiled, he noticed he smelled like cotton candy like two days out of the week. "Yup! You can use it too! Your hair is getting pretty long, it looks good." Minho flushed, he thought it looked unkempt, it was getting passed his cheeks. "I don't like going to... get my hair cut...it's scary." Hyunjin hummed, "So valid, but Minnie is good at cutting hair, I'm sure he'd do it next time he's over. Although Sungie, Lixie, and I think you look sexy." Hyunjin looked up and winked, Minho spluttered, "J-Jinnie!" He giggled with him. "Sungie likes it?" Hyunjin smiled teasingly, "Of course he does." Hmm...maybe he'll keep it longer. Hyunjin smeared cream on the cuts and placed two large bandages down. "Alright hyungie, all set, does it feel better?" Minho nodded, "Thank you Hyune... are you...okay?" Hyunjin held his hands out to help him up, "I...am...I cleaned them this morning..." Minho chest tightened. "Hyunjin?" Minho looked up into his eyes, Hyunjin smiled and tilted his head, "Maybe we should... tell Chan? I want you to...be okay." His gaze saddened, "Yeah...I think I will. Thank you for always worrying about me hyungie." Minho helped him put back all of the cotton pads and disinfectant, carefully covering the bloody ones that were in the trash. It was weird...they both switched on their 'hide all evidence' mode. Hyunjin huffed and took his hand as they walked back to the living room. Jisung pouted and held his arms out, snatching both Minho and Hyunjin down to cuddle. They softly talked about their days while Chan and Changbin worked.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ

"Can we order pizza?" Everyone turned to look at him, "Yeah Min hyung... what kind are we talking?" Jisung asked, biting back a smile. Minho shrugged, "I don't care." Pizza had been at the back of his head for a while now, he was getting a bit tired of the 'easy on your stomach' food. One slice wouldn't kill him... After a very serious debate, they order three different pizzas.

Yeah, he shouldn't have suggested pizza... The smell alone made him sick. They looked excited to eat it though, so it was worth it, they sprawled the boxes on the coffee table and put on a random Marvel movie. "Okay baby, there's cheese, veggies, or sweet potato?" Jisung crouched, ready to give him whatever piece he wanted. "Sweet potato?" Jisung nodded and slid a piece onto a plate, handing it over, and then got his own two pieces. He nuzzled into his side, "You can have as many pieces as you want okay." Minho nodded, turning his head to kiss his cheek.

He got halfway through his piece while almost everyone was on their third slice. He sighed and put it down, it tasted really good though. Too greasy and far too carb heavy... He was picking small pieces off the crust and nibbling on them. "You wanna try another flavor?" Felix whispered into his ear, Minho smiled and shook his head, cleaning his hand on a napkin and now putting the plate down. "You don't want another slice baby?" He could hear the concern in their voices, he plastered a smile on, ignoring the slight hunger pains, "No I'm okay." He felt them deflate by his sides. He felt bad... he didn't need to waste their food anyways...

After the movie, Minho watched as half of them fell asleep. Giggling and poking Jisung, who was still awake, "They need to... at least wash up..." Jisung blinked, and reached over, opening Chan's laptop. He tapped the space bar and turned the volume up. Loud bass and a fast-paced beat flowed out scaring everyone. "Fuck Sung. Is tapping us awake too hard?" Changbin scowled, "Yup, get your asses up, half of you guys are still in your school clothes." Felix grumbled and pulled Changbin up, Jisung dragged a very sleepy Hyunjin to the bathroom after them. Chan groaned and stretched. Minho was already up and cleaning up the small mess. Putting away the leftover slices. "Min...I was gonna do that..." Chan pouted, Minho hummed, "Go wash up." Chan looked at him for a few seconds, debating something, Minho raised an eyebrow causing him to look away and get up. Weird... He shrugged and went to go do the small number of dishes, he wasn't tired, but his appointment was pretty early in the morning... He jumped when arms wrapped around him, and they stilled, "Sorry baby, it's just me." Jisung confirmed quietly, Minho hummed, "You don't have to do dishes ya know." "I know." Jisung was the next to hum, "I can feel your stomach rumbling hyung..." Minho cleared his throat, letting the anxiety rip him open, "My s-stomach hurts." Jisung rested his head on his shoulder with a sigh. "I'm sorry honey...want tummy rubs later?" Jisung nuzzled his hair into Minho's neck, Minho chuckled, "I'm starting to think you're into pet play Han Jisung." He laughed when he felt his arms tighten, and his breath hitched on his shoulder, "Am not..." He made a noise, "Only if you are Lee Minho." Minho giggled pushing back, bumping him with his butt. Jisung yelped and scooted to the side, "Careful Min..." Minho didn't have to look over to know how flustered Jisung was, "Mm...is my baby...sensitive?" Minho darkened his tone, causing Jisung to malfunction, "Minho!" Minho let out a devilish laugh while cleaning a cup, "Yes dear?" Jisung huffed and shoved his face into Minho's neck. "Tease..." Minho chuckled, ignoring the gnawing memories that clouded his mind, memories that still loom over him, instilling fear.

Stay Safe and Stay Hydrated Loves~~

Also...What Hyunjin hair do you guys see?