It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Bowling Blues

TW:Talk of Suicide Attempt AftermathSuicidal IdeationTalk of domestic abuseOkay babes, I have never gone to therapy -clearly- I tried my best with researching and will continue to do so, so please comment on any inaccuracies, especially if it bothers you oki? Enjoy~

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Minho fiddled with his fingers and moved around in his chair. Silent tears rolled down his face as he looked up at the ended call screen. It's been about a week...and he finally did it. He signed up for online therapy because there was no way in hell he'd make it to an actual place...maybe one day. It shouldn't have been so hard...she asked him a few questions, and they did introductions...but once he started opening up about his childhood...it was over for the no-crying thing he had going on. He cleared his throat and stood up, it was Friday afternoon and everyone was gone, except Jisung of course. He opened his door and hugged himself, planning the burrow next to Jisung as he worked. Jisung looked up at him with a smile, never dropping as he opened the blanket and Minho curled into a ball, resting his head on his shoulder. He sniffled and let out a small noise,   "T-That was hard..."   Jisung rested his hand on top of Minho's, gently squeezing,   "Do you feel a bit lighter after talking about some things? Is she nice?"   Minho nodded, he did feel lighter, since it was confidential and wasn't an active situation, he could talk unfiltered about his abuse. Which Minho thought he'd hate, and while it brought back a lot...he felt better.   "I'm so, so proud of you baby."   "Thank you...I couldn't have done this without you Sungie..."   Jisung hummed and kissed his forehead. Minho sighed and reached over to the coffee table, picking a toothpick out of the plastic container, he put it in his mouth and laid back down. Seungmin had suggested he get something he could use to keep his mouth and hands busy. Minho didn't realize how fidgety he was from the smoking...He wanted to cave so badly...

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His therapist suggested him...journal. Which sounded horrible but Hyunjin jumped at the opportunity to buy him one and paint the cover, and then Jisung decorated the inside. He started off by making a checklist. His next task was unfortunately to talk to his mother about his doctor appointments...He shut the notebook and tossed it, that will be for another day. It was Saturday morning and they wanted to go out later so he wanted to make sure to start cooking early. That and he sleeps less than he did all those weeks ago. He yawned and rubbed his eyes as he watched his coffee brew. Letting that cold sadness settle over him. He cooked and massaged his temples as a headache from four days ago throbbed, he sighed and stirred the eggs around, staring aimlessly out of the window, watching the little kids on the street ride their bikes around and play. Minho smiled and felt a dull ache in his chest. He sucked in a breath and flinched as someone spoke,   "Morning hyung..."   Changbin's deep morning voice grumbled,   "Good morning Bin, I made coffee."   Minho turned to take a mug down and handed it to him,   "You okay?"   Minho nodded and ruffled his poofy curls,   "Didn't sleep well."   Changbin pouted,   "Well nap before we leave later."   Minho chuckled and nodded, Changbin was so cute when he was worried and then tries to cover it up by being assertive. 

He flinched and hit the hot pan for the third time this morning as Seungmin silently got coffee from behind him. He put a hand on his chest and tried to calm his breathing. He has no idea why he's being so jumpy...maybe because his father was fresh on his mind...?    "Sorry hyung...didn't mean to scare you."   Seungmin said softly, Minho turned and gave him a small hug, patting his butt,   "It's okay bub."   Seungmin hummed and lingered, watching Minho finish up, Seungmin has been...not attached to him like Jisung or Felix, but always close, they switched sleeping situations the Jeongin and Seungmin sleep in Minho's room when they come over now. Minho feels like absolute garbage for scaring him so badly...he knows after the first attempt, they still had subtle things to make sure he was okay, and they never really left him alone for too long, but now... He fully traumatized them and he wants nothing more than to be able to undo it...They never let him out alone, and he doesn't dare disappear in the mornings as he usually did, they never left him alone at all. Someone was always here, and when they couldn't, he tagged along with them instead. Minho was fine with it of course, he hated being alone, he was able to recharge his battery because they'd easily know when he isn't in the mood to talk or cuddle. But between Jisung fully blaming himself for ever letting it get that bad; even though it was all Minho, Seungmin beating himself up about not telling anyone about his habit, and Chan...was more of a nervous wreck now. Minho remembers every word he said to him...he practically threatened to leave him alone...he must have been terrified and he was the one driving, that alone makes Minho want to kill himsel-   "Mm morning honey"   Jisung yawned and stretched, exposing his stomach, Minho smiled and reached out to rub it, Jisung giggled, and held his hand,   "Tickles..."   "Mm, good morning darling."   Minho covered all of the food since not everyone was awake. Jisung wrapped around him and rested his chin on his shoulder,   "What happened here...?"   Jisung gently held his hand up, a rather large burn bubbling up.    "Oh, burnt my hand on the pan, I was gonna go wrap it."   Jisung sighed,   "I need to bubble wrap you, this is too much."   Minho laughed,   "It's just a small burn."   He said as he guided them to the bathroom,    "That is not small,"   He swatted Minho's uninjured hand away as he reached for the burn cream and bandage. Minho hummed and let him tend to it.   "How are you feeling?"   Jisung asked softly as he gently applied the cream with a cotton swab,   "I don't know...I had a nightmare so I didn't sleep well, and then...I'm just jumpy...I kept burning it from flinching."   Jisung pursed his lips,   "I'm sorry baby, we'll be more careful."   Minho let out a soft chuckle,    "You guys are fine, don't worry, I think a bug would make me flinch."   Jisung scowled at him,   "It's not fine, we can easily work around it and help."   Minho just smiled and nodded, wrapping his arms around Jisung's waist after he was done. Hugging him tight and kissed his neck,   "Thank you."   Jisung hummed and slipped his hands under his sweatshirt, his hands leaving a warm trail,   "Thank you for letting me take care of you."   Minho took a deep breath and pulled away as he felt Jisung's stomach growl,   "Let's go get some food in you."   Jisung flushed and held his hand. 

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As they all ate, Minho noticed he wasn't the only one having a bad day, Hyunjin was mindlessly pushing the food around on his plate, taking bits when Chan rubbed his back. Minho frowned and took another small bite of eggs. Hyunjin noticed and looked up at him, he gave him a small smile and picked up his phone. 

Dumpling: Wanna talk later?

Minho: Definitely

Hyunjin hummed and took a bigger bite,   "So this dude in the band was dating the girl in choir, but apparently shit went down and I never noticed, so yesterday I guess the girl was caught dating another girl from band. The guy found out and was crying in the halls, I shouldn't have laughed but I did."   Jeongin very long windingly finished and shoved a sausage into his mouth. They all snickered,   "You laughed at the poor dude Innie? That's fucked up."   Felix chuckled,   "Wha- I didn't like...laugh in his face."   Jeongin defended himself,   "Sure Innie... it's still the thought of you laughing because the poor guy was cheated on."   Seungmin said and sipped his coffee, Jeongin scoffed,   "Listen, you don't know him, what if he was a shit boyfriend?"   They giggled,   "You have a point."   "Of course I do."   Jeongin said.

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Minho deflated into the cushion, Jisung giggled and patted his thigh,     "It's okay hyung, you aren't the worst here."   "Yeah right"   Minho grumbled and sat up, pulling him closer. They were currently bowling, after one night they were talking about things to do and when bowling was mentioned Minho realized he's never played, and when they figured that out, it was immediately planned. He may be horrible at it, but it was actually really fun. They were split into teams, Jisung, Felix Changbin, and him, and the rest sat on the other side. They were currently -somehow- winning. Minho absentmindedly ate french fries as he watched them all go. He was happy to see everyone feeling better, and just having fun, Hyunjin was finally feeling better, clinging to Chan and Seungmin, while trying to kiss Jeongin. Minho giggled as Changbin went and the ball -flung- and hit the lane with a loud thud. He patted Jisung's leg,   "I'm gonna go pee."   Jisung smiled and nodded as he got up. He did his business and walked back out of the bathroom and froze, he picked up on a voice talking, familiar...far too unique to mix him up with another person...Minho peeked around the corner and saw someone turned around talking to their friends, that far too unique shade of reddish brown...Minho jolted and walked back, not daring to turn around. He blinked the anxious tears away and sat back down stiffly, chewing his lip, Felix looked over at him with concern,   "Min hyung? What's wrong?"   Minho shook his head and sank further down, not wanting to risk him seeing him. Felix scooted closer and held his hand out, Minho reached and squeezed, taking a full breath finally,   "I'm fine Pixie..."    Minho watched as Jisung cheered at his high score and plastered a smile on his face. Squeezing Felix's hand more. Of course, Jisung noticed as soon as he turned around but he brushed them off. He kept glancing over his shoulder, thankful that they were in the last two lanes.   "Baby, please what's wrong?"   Jisung kept his tone soft, Minho scooted closer to him and shook his head,   "Nothing...I'm having fun and not letting my mood change that."   Minho squeezed and let go of Felix's hand, Jisung hummed,   "Okay hyungie."   Jisung smiled at him and they went on to winning the match. Minho stole glances every now and then to make sure he wasn't getting closer...and saw his face once. That was unmistakably Jong-dae.

Stay Safe and Stay Hydrated Lovies~~My twt- @CandyKpopSimper