It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Selfish

TW: Medical Talk
Suicidal Ideation

Minho sharply inhaled, it felt like he had just got ripped out of the most peaceful sleep. He felt like he's been dreaming, he remembered the boys talking...and his mother but nothing else. His eyes felt so heavy... There was this insufferable beeping... Wait this isn't right. He shouldn't be here. Minho snapped his eye's open, hissing at the burning white lights. He gasped and frantically looked around at the white walls. No no no, I'm still...here... His throat closed as a tight sob escaped. How is he still alive? How did he fail this miserably at everything? He brought his bandaged arms up to cover his face. Everything felt so fake, so heavy. He was devastated. Barely registering the nurse coming in. "Minho, you're okay, you're in the hospital-" "I fucking know that! Why the hell am I here!? How the fuck did I fail even-even at this?" His voice got weaker, his throat felt raw. He sobbed, ignoring the pain growing in his throat. He heard the beeping get faster. "Minho I need you to calm down, take a breath, or else I'm going to have to give you midazolam to calm you down." The nurse said nicely but as firmly as she could. "No no, this isn't right. I shouldn't be he-here!" He was wailing at this point. His body was pliant against to headboard. The door opened, and he faintly heard a few gasps.

"Please can you guys calm him down?" The nurse turned to Jisung with desperation. It felt like a bus slammed into him, but he nodded and rushed towards Minho, Hyunjin following in suit. "Minho, it's Jisung and Hyunjin, you have to calm down, can you do that for me, baby?" Minho shook his head as a broken sob ripped through him. "I know you can do Hyung, you can follow my breathing hmm?" Jisung asked softly. "N-no...not su-supposed to be here," Minho said brokenly, Jisung felt his stomach flip. He's running out of options, but he remembers the last time MInho broke down like this, he thanks whoever was looking out for them because they had brought Hyunjin's weighted blanket for Minho. "Hyune, the blanket?" Hyunjin lurched forwards, but slowed down when he got close to Minho, he gently draped the blanket over his legs. It took a few seconds, but it clearly helped to some degree, his heart slowed a few paces. Jisung gently grabbed onto Minho's elbows. "Minho... I'm so sorry baby, but you're here, and you're going to be okay. We are right here with you." Jisung soothed. Minho peeked over his hands, " I don't want to be here... How did I fuck u-up this hard." Jisung clenched his teeth. The pressure was helping, Jisung made sure he wouldn't tug on the IV and pulled Minho into his chest. Minho's hand instantly came up to fist Jisung's sweater. "Why why why!" Jisung sucked in a breath, "I've got you bub, we're gonna get through this." he firmly stated. Rubbing his lower back, hand carding through his hair. "Why c-can't I just die Sungie? Why?" Minho exhaled roughly, clearly exhausted he fell more into Jisung's embrace. Jisung heart almost fell out of him it jumped at his words so hard. He decided to just apply pressure to Minho's shoulders, hugging him tight. While humming a song, and rocking them back and forth. His heart rate monitor slowed down, and the nurse gave him a sad 'okay' sign. As she slowly took some of his vitals.

They sat like that for a few minutes until Minho fell back asleep. Jisung reluctantly let him go so the nurse could get his vitals and get the doctor. Jisung stumbled back, fresh tears he was holding in started gliding down his face. Hyunjin sat up to catch him and guided them back down to the couch against the window. "Hyune..." "Shh I know Sungie, everything is going to be fine. We're gonna help him through this." They sat there crying and sniffling looking over Minho. Doctor Seo came in with Minho's mother. He went to check his charts, " It's good that he woke up, if he would've fallen into the two-week period he most likely wouldn't have made it..." Doctor Seo stated, sighing heavily, "Some good news, I got his results back for his kidney, it was able to regenerate properly while he was under. Now with a few more doses, it'll be functioning properly. Although he is even more underweight than he was all those weeks ago, which is putting a lot of stress on not only his kidney." Yunha sniffled, " I don't understand, I never knew he struggled with food... He never lets me in..." Hyunjin scoffed, "How the hell have you not noticed his struggles with food, the first day we met him we saw right through him. How as his mother did you not 'notice', don't bullshit, you just didn't care. You never thought about him, only when it was convenient for you right? But don't try to play the fucking hurt mother when you blatantly ignored his cries for help, for comfort." Hyunjin tried to keep his voice down, he was still patting Jisung's head even though he stopped crying, ignoring his pleas for him to shut up. Yunha stopped crying, "I'm not going to let a teenager tell me what's good for my son, or tell me about my relationship with him-" "And why the fuck not, obviously he isn't going to let in the person who enabled his abuse, who never showed him, proper love, we were there when he got a text from your ass not even being caring but he was shocked and smiled. We were there for him when he needed comfort when his father beat him half to death. We were there when he was so clearly hungry and we went out of our -happily- fucking way every day to make sure he ate something. I don't want to fucking hear about your shitty relationship with him, frankly because you don't deserve to have him in your life. You don't love and cherish the amazing person he is, you put him and his passions down. So fuck you Yunha." Hyunjin was yelling at this point, his blood was boiling over. Yunha looked at him in shock and anger and stormed out. "Pfft real responsible leaving your child's hospital room like a fucking-" he heard sniffling from far away, he looked past Doctor Seo over to the bed, Minho had an arm over his eyes. But he could see the tears slipping down. The boys unraveled, "Min hyung I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to yell." Hyunjin frantically said. Doctor Seo took a step back, letting them talk. "N-no, it's okay...I just..." Minho choked slightly, he was still laying down. Jisung helped him sit up. "I cause so much fucking tr-trouble I'm so sorry guys." He sobbed, Jisung shushed him. "Bub you don't cause trouble, You're hurting and we want to help you no matter what." Minho shook his head. Doctor Seo sighed, "Alright boys, can I speak to him alone?" They snapped out of it, "Of course Doctor-nim, we'll be right here Min hyung." They ushered out.

Minho sniffled, his brain felt like mush, and his body was stiff and tired. Doctor Seo cleared his throat. "Minho... I wanted to be the one to tell you this. First, we need to talk about what happened when you came in." "Who even found me..." I'm such a failure... " All of them did, your mother was the first to see, and I believe Hyunjin was the second person there. They both saved you." Minho fell into bed. He slowly was feeling more and more detached, and rather than fighting he was letting it happen. "But you flatlined twice... We had to pump your stomach and undergo surgery to close up the two arteries you cut open. Your body was shutting down, so it put itself in a coma. You've been out for five days." so his pathetic body was the one that saved him, he chuckled, what a joke you are Lee Minho. "Your parents declined you entering impatient since you weren't awake, but Minho I think would be the best for you. Since you're 18 you can-" "No I don't think so, thank you though Doctor Seo-nim." Minho said with a sigh. He was feeling and even sounding more far away. It was pleasant, his feelings felt like they were literally turning off, slipping away from his grasp. He stopped sniffling finally. He exhaled and let his mind drift. He was a failure, he quite literally couldn't do anything right. He stressed his parents out, costing them even more expenses. He's stressing out people that were so kind to him when he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to live so why was he still here? God and the worst case scenario, poor Hyunjin had to find him. You truly are a useless, pathetic person. There's always plan B, he would have begrudgingly go through with- "Minho, your even more underweight than you were when you were first here." That didn't really make sense... they were always having him eat fruits and vegetables...oh. He went from having protein shakes and fruit. Too little bowls of fruit and vegetables. "We were debating a feeding tube but it would have put too much stress on your body, but if you try your best and eat the food here we won't do that. Trust me Minho feeding tubes are not fun." Something in Minho tried to spark up anger, panic, something but it failed. He just nodded toward the ceiling. Doctor Seo sighed, "Alright Minho, we are running some more tests to make sure your recovery is going well. You should know, those boys haven't left you alone during visitors' hour, there was always one of them here with you." How stupid... He didn't deserve this. He had already said goodbye to everyone. He already prepared himself to never see them again. To never breathe again. He didn't want to be here anymore. He heard the door close, only to open again. "Can I come in?" Jisung softly asked. Minho didn't answer, he just shifted his eyes to Jisung. Jisung looked...rough, Hyunjin did too. Have they not been taking care of themselves? Because of me... "Hi baby...are you thirsty, hungry?" Jisung walked over and sat down. Minho downcasted his eyes. All he was left with was an ache in his heart. He had no energy to talk, he just wanted them to leave. Stop worrying about him. Why can't they just think I'm the hopeless freak I am? He heard a sigh. "Hyung I know how confusing, uncomfortable, and messed up this situation is. But please, let us in, let me in. Please let me help you honey, all I want is for you to be healthy and happy. You deserve nothing less than that." Jisung reached over and lightly caressed Minho's hand. It felt like a phantom touch. Why couldn't they see that he didn't deserve it? "Minho hyung, please. I want you to live... You aren't useless, you aren't hopeless...I love you and I want you here." He heard Jisung sniffle. He sighed, this was all his fault, maybe he should just...give up on trying to die...save them the grief they'd clearly carry with them. He could endure life, making it his goal to not burden as many people as possible... He didn't want to be here but at the same time, he did... Him having these urges to keep living. The boys stirred his will to live and that scared him. He's always had this goal, and to fail it... He was selfish to want to keep living...

I'm so sorry for this being so late! I got caught up with my other fic and work
This one was hard to write besties...
But Stay Safe and Stay Hydrated Loves~