It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Discussion

TW: Panic attack, talks about abuse

Giggling, and shushing awoke Minho, along with the morning light filtering through the curtains. He cracked one eyelid to see a giggling Felix pulling Changbin, who was trying to cover the other's mouth as they slipped into his room. Softly shutting the door, Minho chuckled realizing what they were doing, how this early in the morning? Who knows. He placed his head back down onto Seungmin's lap, pulling Jisung deeper in his chest, drifting back to sleep.

~~~

Minho groggily woke up for the millionth time but now to Jisung talking softly to the others. Minho groaned, he tried to move but he was under Jisung's whole weight. "Hyungie? Are you finally up?" Jisung asked, close to his ear. "No..." Minho grumbled lowly, this time successfully turning them around. Jisung was now facing everyone, although Minho's back was covering him, and he was smothered by Minho's chest. He heard Hyunjin chuckle. "Min Hyung, we got you coffee~" Seungmin said, shaking an iced americano. Minho perked up, sleepiness clung to him still. Jisung snaked his arms around Minho, "Come on baby lets get up." Minho's heart fluttered, but he let go of Jisung, rolling over. Instantly flinching and rolling back over, he had managed to snag a welt on his back, and rub too hard against his leg. "Careful baby...here." Jisung said with a frown, but he sat up and stretched out his arms, ready to pull him up. He lightly pulled Minho, making sure he didn't brush up against his back. "Sorry..." Minho muttered, he was so embarrassed that they all probably knew about everything he had kept hidden for years, and were worrying too much over his injuries. They shuffled around so they were sitting normally, Jisung slung his arm over Minho's shoulder. Seungmin passed over their drinks, Minho lazily sipped his coffee, oh shit my medicine... He wiggled off of the couch, trying to go slow to prevent a dizzy spell but that didn't work. As he stood on shaky legs and wobbled, white hazing over his vision, but he shook it away ignoring all the worried glances. He stumbled a little, but made it to his bag. Finding the pills in the smallest pocket in his bag, opened it and took out one. He awkwardly walked back, making his presence as small as possible. "Can I ask what that's exactly for?" Felix asked, tilting his head. Minho looked up, "Oh, it's to regulate my blood clotting till my stomach heals or something." He popped the medicine, washing it down with his coffee. "Blood clotting...that sounds so painful... Are you sure you're okay? Resting enough so you can heal?" Jisung slowly said, eyebrows furrowing more. No not really... "Yeah, the doctor said I'm healing well. Really the discomfort fades everyday." "Hyung... you promise it's nothing life threatening? Don't invalidate your pain..." Jeongin's lip wobbled, oh no please don't cry for me... He took a deep breath, "I promise Innie... I'm taking my medicine and supplements everyday." Minho gave Jeongin a reassuring smile. "How about... you're back? Is it healing okay...?" Jeongin carefully asked. Minho tensed, no it isn't healing well, he couldn't clean the wounds other than with hot water. But he wasn't going to admit that, so he just nodded. "Bub you know this is serious, you shouldn't be going through this... You shouldn't be in pain everyday like this." Chan continued. Seungmin put his hand out to squeeze Chan's thigh, "Hyung, I know you said your mom was getting a divorce but abuse never just stops. We have made several plans to help you, we can not and will not sit back and watch this happen. You can be upset with us, but you do not deserve any of this treatment. It's inhumane. You deserve love and care from your family, not what those sick people have been doing to you." Seungmin paused to let what he said process. Minho sniffled, panic was rising in the back of his throat. He wanted to scream out that it didn't matter anymore, that they didn't need to go through all of this trouble. Especially not for something that he deserves. "Please... its-its okay. You don't have to go through this trouble. Really, it's m-my fault this is happening. You guys don't know the reasoning...and stuff." Minho stuttered, they didn't understand that it's his fault, ever since he was a kid when this started. He was a bad son, a bad person. A mistake. "Hyung, it is not your fault that you're literally getting abused. Baby... no matter what a person doesn't deserve this borderline torture." Jisung said, rubbing Minho's shaking arms. Something in Minho snapped as soon as he heard the word 'torture' be said. "NO you don't understand," he thrashed in Jisung's arms, "I'm bad, a bad person, a bad son, I deserve everything he does to me. You don't get it, I lie, I don't do as I'm tol-told. I'm disgusting, I'm even doing it right now." He sobbed, he hit his head hard trying to stop the thoughts from rampaging through his head. He felt hands wrap around his, causing him to panic more. He couldn't breathe. He could barely see through his bleary eyes. "Hyung you're okay, you're okay bub. You have to breath." "No nono, I'm bad." He wheezed out. "Minho you're perfect, these are things others have said to you bub. None of that is true." He could hear Chan say. This was too much, he tried wiggling out of their hold. "Loosen your hold Bin hyung" Seungmin said, pulling away Hyunjin's hands as well. Minho tried again, he felt himself stumble away, off the couch, until he hit a wall. He pushed himself into a corner, feeling a table next to him and squeezed under. He was breathing heavily, it was putting pressure on his ears. Nausea washed over him, he whimpered, he pressed his hands over his ears to relive any kind of pressure and sound. That helped. He took a shaky breath in, then a less shaky exhale. He let Jisung's words repeat in his head to breath. He felt himself rocking back and forth, helping to release the ache in his limbs from tensing them. He felt the sting of his new cuts ground him. With a sharp inhale, "I'm so sorry." his voice was raspy from holding in his sobs. "No bub you're okay, we overwhelmed you, we're so sorry baby." He heard Jisung getting closer. "N-no 's me, I'm being overdramatic, 'm sorry." He whimpered. Tiredness pulled at him. "No no love, you aren't being overdramatic, this is serious. You're aloud to feel everything you are feeling right now. What do you need bub?" Jisung said so softly, with sincerity bleeding heavily through. Minho sniffled, fresh tears spilling. "I don't deserve you guys..." "Minho, you deserve the damn world." Hyunjin said, tears evident in his voice. "Come on baby, what do you need hmm? Water, tea, a blanket?" Jisung asked softly, seemingly shuffling closer. Minho felt a lump in his throat so he just outstretched his arms. "I'm right here baby, you're okay." Jisung said as soon as he could take hold of Minho's arm. Minho made a sound, not quite a whimper but something close, as he moved forward pulling Jisung towards himself. "H-hug?" Immediately he was enveloped. Jisung's arms lightly wrapping around him, one going up to the back of his head and started slowly patting. He sighed as the tears still didn't stop. Melting deeper into Jisung's chest. "I'm so sorry." He whispered. "You have nothing, and I mean nothing, to be sorry about hyung. We meant everything we said." Jisung said firmly. Minho just burrowed his head down into the crook of Jisung's neck.

After a few rounds of breathing, Minho peeked his head out from Jisung's chest. His heart clenched, Felix was holding his weighted blanket, Jeongin had a cup of water ready to hand to him. He chuckled wetly, Jisung pulled his head back to look at Minho. His eyes were red, and were starting to puff up. Jisung placed a kiss on his temple. "Lets move to the comfy couch hmm?" Minho nodded. Jisung stood up, gently pulling Minho up. Minho felt even more dizzy than before. Crashing forward into Jisung. "Sorry sorry" he tried pulling away, his legs shaking under the pressure. Jisung just held him closer, taking his full weight. They slowly made their way back to the couch. Jisung letting him sit down first. But he hovered, Minho looked up to see him waiting for permission to sit next to him. Minho furrowed his eyebrows, tugging on Jisung's still outstretched arm. Jisung chuckled, "I was just making sure you were comfortable with someone sitting close." Minho roughly brought him closer, pushing himself under Jisung's arm. "Careful bub, don't hurt yourself." Jisung lightly pulled him closer. Minho sighed in content at the pressure. "Do you want Lixie's weighted blanket?" Jisung asked, "Only if... it's okay..." Minho whispered. "Of course hyungie, here." Felix draped the blanket over Minho, tucking it over his shoulders and across his chest. Minho sighed, melting down further. "Better hyung?" Jisung smiled. "Mhm, thank you..." Minho murmured, embarrassment starting to wash over him. "No need to be embarrassed Min, you're alright." Minho's eyes snapped open towards Chan, who had a soft smile. Changbin sighed, " One more thing and we can relax for the rest of the day... my Uncle, he was your doctor. He didn't tell us any details I promise. But we did assume the hospital knew about the abuse, and asked if they could report it... Bu-" "What?" Minho snapped out of his calm state. "We're sorry Minho, it just seemed like they knew and..." Chan started but Minho interrupted, " No...its alright... but no they didn't know, she told them I got into to a bad fight..." "You're Mom did?" Jisung asked, he felt his skin boil. "Uh yeah..." Minho winced at the angry sigh Jisung let out. "I'm sorry..." " It's not your fault baby." Jisung rubbed his arm. "That's not all hyung, we tried going to the police station after, but they were useless. I'm guessing your parents have a lot of power over them?" Seungmin asked. Minho nodded, this was a part of the reason why he never wanted them to know. He knew his parents had too much power in several states. "And... you're 18 now, right?" Chan asked slowly. Minho's mind stopped for a second. He... of course remembered his birthday, but his parents forgot a few years ago, so he lost interest in celebrating. Not to mention birthdays meant cake...That's too much stress alone. "Yeah... I'm assuming now I'm an 'adult' child services won't care. My parents donate too much to those organization anyways." He shrugged. "Not necessarily. The school cares, even though the Lee's donate to them too, I've chatted with the office ladies about the topic already. All we have to do is go up there, find the counselor, and get you the help you need and deserve hyung." Seungmin stated firmly. Minho sighed, I can just keep going with this, give them hope but push it back at least until Tuesday. "That's a lot of trouble..." "No it's not Min, not at all, seeing you in pain hurts way worse." Chan said, Minho sunk back down. "The sooner the better, but there's that thing at school for the younger kids, on Monday. Everyone in the office is going to be busy, and we all know how rude they can be." Hyunjin stated. Minho tried not to perk up at the news, it was like the stars were aligning for him. "Ugh...yeah we'll wait till Tuesday?" Chan asked everyone, getting disappointed nods. "I'm so proud of you baby." Jisung hugged Minho harder. Minho squeaked.

"When was your birthday hyung?" Jeongin asked, breaking the silence. Minho looked up, "Oh October 25th..." "Oh that Wednesday... Fuck that was the one day I missed all week hyunggg." Changbin gasped. Minho chuckled, "It's okay Binnie, that was still one of the best birthdays I've had in awhile... You bought me those gummies." Minho said, poking Jisung's stomach. Jisung's face flushed, "You remembered that... Do you not like your birthday?" "Mm, too much attention, and my parents forget every year." Minho nodded to himself. All of their stomachs clenched. "Happy late birthday baby." Jisung placed a kiss on his forehead, Minho instantly blushed. "Yeah happy late birthday hyungie!" They yelled, while Chan looked at them with a small smile. Pink dusted heavier on Minho's cheeks. "Thanks you guys..." 

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