It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Merry Christmas Hyung...

TW:Suicidal IdeationSelf-destructing habitsImplied domestic abuse

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Minho woke up with a horrible headache. Instantly tearing up, he felt arms wrapped around him, and Hyunjin still draped over him, he turned and laid his head further into the blanket and Jisung's chest and sobbed. He was just so...sad. Genuinely nothing but sadness was coursing through him, like his meds have fully stopped, Jisung stirred, but Minho took this time to be selfish and he tapped him awake, he was two seconds away from falling over the edge. He could feel it, he was walking that thin line again. Jisung made a small noise and the arms tightened around him,   "Shh Jisung's got you baby..."   Minho wailed in his chest, shimming up and hugging him back and pushing his face deeper.   "P-Please S-Sungie..."   Jisung whimpered,   "What can I do Minho?"   Minho shook his head,   "Fucking...M-Make it s-stop...Please"   He knew the request was fruitless...he was never going to feel better, he was never going to be okay and he knew that. He yearned for death. Yearned for the emptiness. Yearned for relief. Yearned to want to stay.   "Minho...I love you and I'm right here, I will never leave you alone." 

Waking up to Minho sobbing uncontrollably was... terrifying. He was slipping through their fingers...He could feel it...and he had no idea what to do. He looked up to see Seungmin looking concerningly at them. He got up and walked to the kitchen and bathroom. Bringing back water, and a cool rag. 'Thank you' Jisung mouthed and set the water bottle aside,   "Minho baby, just take some deep breaths."   Jisung placed the rag on his forehead, sagging when Minho did. Minho moved so the rag covered more of his face, heartbreaking whimpers emitting from him.   "You can talk about it if and when you're ready my love."   Minho just shook his head,   "That's okay baby... you're okay." 

After an hour of calming him, cooing when a wave of tears came, Hyunjin patting his back and Seungmin making sure he had a freshly cold rag. Changbin and Felix slinked in after they texted them to be a bit quiet when they came back. Felix curled up behind Hyunjin and made sure to have a hand on him as well. After maybe thirty more minutes Minho quieted down into sniffles. Rubbing his face into Jisung's chest, huffing breaths, and struggling to inhale.   "Good job Min, let it all out baby..."   Minho whimpered and pressed into his neck, whispering,   "I'm sorry..."   Jisung hummed,   "No need to be sorry honey, this is what we're here for."   Minho took a breath, and looked around, he whined, when he made eye contact with Seungmin,   "Um..."   he fisted Jisung's shirt,   "My mom...left and won't be here for Christmas..."   Jisung pushed Minho's hair out of his face,   "Oh honey...I'm sorry..."   Minho shook his head,   "No it's okay...I don't know why it upsets me s-so much...Christmas was always s-shit...I just...I wanted my mom back but she doesn't want me..."   Minho let out a shaky breath as Jisung hugged him tight.   "Minho hyung, that has nothing to do with you. She was the one that failed you, she is the shit parent okay. You have us now, we will never abandon you."   Seungmin stated firmly, shuffling and crouching in front of them, Minho looked at him with blurry eyes.   "Are you sure..."   Seungmin nodded with a small smile,   "Positive hyung."   Minho broke down again, this time holding one of Seungmin's hands. He should tell them...No...he shouldn't...He's already a burden...Time to plaster on his smile and suck it up, they deserve to have a nice Christmas. He let out a wet chuckle,   "I'll be okay I promise..."   Jisung kissed his forehead,   "I love you"   Minho's heart broke,   "I love you so much"   he whispered and held him tighter.

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Hyunjin's mom was flying in today, she worked until the day before Christmas Eve, so their Christmas Eve is going to be a chill one. They planned their group Christmas a day after actual Christmas since they all had to celebrate with their families. Minho just...wanted it to be over with...but Jisung's wide smile as he talked about opening presents and eating pie was all worth it. It dawned on him though... everyone's going to be spending Christmas with their families...leaving Minho to be an annoying fly on the wall for Hyunjin and his mom...maybe he could lie? Say he has family in town...? No that makes no sense... he sure as hell can't use his father as an...excuse...hmm. He whiped out his phone, careful to not disturb a sleeping Hyunjin on his chest.