It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Filled Canvas

There will be more talk about a non specified eating disorder, I will put (---) before and after, it won't be super descriptive just light mentions of ed side affects and habits.

When Minho woke up, it took too much energy to open his eyes. He heard soft talking, and shuffling. He was still cuddled into someone, taking a second to feel where his arms were. It felt like Jisung. With the realization, he cracked open his tired eyes, only then noticing they were completely tangled together. They were side by side but Jisung's head was nuzzled into his chest, Jisung's hair tickled his chin, with their legs interlaced with each other. Minho sighed, he was so comfortable he never wanted to move, he tightened his arms around Jisung. "Minho hyungieee," Jisung whined, startling Minho, "Good morning" Jisung said after yawning. He lifted his head out of Minho's chest, his sleeping doe eyes shining up. Minho's heart almost fluttered out of his chest, Jisung's face was far too close, and far too cute. Minho slightly shook his head, ignoring the warmth in his cheeks. "Good morning Sungie. How'd you sleep?" Minho asked, pulling away half way. "Better once you pulled me here." Jisung said, lifting himself up a little to nuzzle into Minho's neck. Minho shuddered, feeling Jisung breath on his pulse. Wait, I pulled him up here? "I pulled you here? I don't remember anything after drinking my tea." Minho said, voice laced with confusion. "Yeah I went to the bathroom for two seconds, and you somehow managed to change sides pulling Jisung down with you all while sleeping. It was quite cute hyung." Hyunjin said while sipping his coffee, and sitting on the armchair. Minho only now noticed everyone was sitting with coffee, some had food, others had empty bowls, all with a random cartoon on. "Yeah hyungie's cutee~" Felix cooed from where he was sitting on Changbin's lap. Pink dusted even more on Minho's cheeks. To hide he shimmied down and buried his face in Jisung's hair. He heard giggles, but chose to focus on the way Jisung was lightly humming and hugging him tighter. Unfortunately moving applied pressure on the cuts littered on his thighs, he tried his best to suppress a wince. Jisung moved his leg that was pushing against Minho's, his anxiety spiked, he hadn't thought about Jisung maybe feeling his bandages. He kept his breathing steady, hoping to not concern Jisung and the others. Jisung just somehow hugged him tighter. Jisung didn't react, but he can feel the slightly thick bandages, and scratchy wraps. He wanted to burst into tears, he had a sneaking suspicion Minho was hurting himself, but he wanted to believe he was completely wrong and jumping to conclusions. But his Minho was hurting so badly, that he took it out on himself? Jisung felt lost, he wanted nothing else but to help Minho. Especially after what happened last night. Maybe he should go to Chan about this, he knew the older used to deal with minor self harm, late nights in the studio with each other revealed many of their struggles, bringing them so much closer. Minho started rubbing circles on his back, snapping him out of his thoughts. "You okay Sung?" Minho whispered. Jisung hadn't noticed his breathing was picking up. His anxiety never really gets to this point. "Yeah hyung, I just- I just really love you." Jisung pushed out without thinking. "I really love you to Jisungie." Minho sighed and pulled him closer. Jisung clung to him, for now he can just stay cuddled up until they have to leave.

~~~

There was a slight breeze, Minho pulled Hyunjin's cardigan until he was wrapped. He and Hyunjin were sitting outside on Hyunjin's porch. Part of the plan was half the weekend at Jeongin's house and since Monday was a holiday, the rest of the weekend was to be spent at Hyunjin's. The others all went home to freshen up, and pack more efficiently. While Minho came prepared, he wanted to steer clear of his house for as long as he could. So while waiting for the others, they were relaxing outside, Hyunjin was really calming to be around. He was currently reading on the opposite chair. While Minho was dozing off on the cushioned rocking chair. He's been so much more tired with all the recent attacks, it was nice to be able to rest stress free, without the looming fear of being woken up by being hit. Although, the silence was allowing his thoughts to creep up. He thought back to how easily he had told Jisung he loved him, and he meant it with all of his heart. He was starting to love each and everyone of the boys, but Jisung was... different. Was it a romantic attraction? Minho hasn't had much experience with dating, his last "relationship" was traumatizing if he was being honest. Jisung wasn't like him though, right? No, he refused to compare the two. He shook the thought away, another already seeming to yell out from the back of his mind. He shouldn't be getting this close to them, he's going to hurt them in the end. Maybe he should start pulling away, he still had the whole school year, perhaps after these weekend hangouts, when his father comes back; he'll start pulling away. The thought of doing so crushes his heart, but that just means it needs to be done. He didn't deserve any of their kindness, he was already taking advantage of them, it's only a matter of time until they realize. He just hoped they'll make it easy to drift apart. They were making him feel things he has never felt before, moments where he'll catch himself wondering about their future together, he had abandoned his will to keep living years ago, but they were stirring those feelings back up; the realization made him sick and confused. He made a decision all those years ago to end it, he has a set plan, a set time. If he didn't go through with his silent agreement, was he just...faking it this whole time? Was he really the names people had called him, an attention seeker, dramatic, a coward? This didn't feel fake, he wished it did. He wishes he could be normal again, love life, love his hobbies again, love people without the fear and restriction he placed, he wants to keep living... But he made a promise to himself, and he isn't one to break promises.