It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

A Tree

TW: slight talk about self-harm
Panic attacks
Implied talks about abuse
Medical Talk

"I don't wanna leave you..." Jisung clung onto Minho. After too many hours of playing different games, visitation hours were ending, and Minho made Jisung promise to go home and take proper care of himself. "S-sweetheart you can call me... when you get home, I'm not going... anywhere." Minho brushed the hair out of Jisung's face. Minho was sitting up against the headboard still, Jisung on his left side completely wrapped around him, his face shoved into Minho's side. He mumbled something, Minho looked up at Changbin with the 'help me' eyes. Changbin sighed letting go of Felix's hand and walked over, "Sungie we have to go before the nurses start getting physically with us." He said as he rubbed his back.

Jisung knew he was acting like a child but he didn't want to leave Minho, the pure anxiety that wavered over him was consuming. He trusted Minho, but he knew he was still struggling, of course, his mind kept creating scenarios...Getting a call from his mother, telling him they'd found Minho dead in the bathroom. Or a police search for him because he'd gone missing sometime in the night, only to find that he jumped one of the bridges and drowned. He felt the walls closing in on him as he was tugged away from Minho. He sucked in a breath, physically unable to exhale. "Jisung, b-baby I need you to focus on my voice okay? You have to b-breathe with me." He felt soft hands pat his back. "You're okay, and I-I'm okay... S-Sungie. You need to take care of yours-self baby... We'll be on a c-call the...whole time yeah?" Minho's voice lulled him to focus. That did sound nice though, to have him on the phone the whole night... "Yeah..." He gasped out, feeling the patting move to his head too. He has never felt this worried about someone before and was as if he'd never taken his anxiety medicine, he just wanted to stay with Minho through his whole recovery, but that was impractical... He took deep breaths but it wasn't helping. He slowly moved to get up, careful even through his panic attack not to hurt Minho, he stumbled towards where he remembered the bathroom was. He grasped the sink, and turned on the cold water, putting his hands under it resuming his breathing techniques. Minho will be fine. Minho is still here. I'm going to come back and he's going to be okay. He thinks a few minutes pass until his vision wasn't as blurry anymore, and his lungs weren't on fire. He shuffled out of the bathroom ready to apologize when he saw Minho waiting for him at the door to his room, he's had his IV out for a few hours but he's only been escorted to the bathroom. Minho was leaning against the wall, shaking but still standing strong. Jisung took quick steps to hold onto him, "I'm not going...anywhere okay s-sweetheart?" Minho pulled Jisung into a hug, sighing. They pulled away Minho looked at him with a soft gaze, and Jisung's heart skipped hearing him ask, "C-can I kiss you?" without answering Jisung leaned down, contently going slow, they were in absolutely no rush. Minho clung to his sweatshirt, and Jisung was holding him up. Jisung swiped his tongue over Minho's bottom lip, smiling when he felt his breath hitch, he pulled away but Minho chased him, peppering kisses on his cheeks and nose. He could get used to this... "Now get your...ass home to s-shower and s-sleep." Minho scolded and tried getting out of his hold. Jisung let go but still walked him back to the bed. He kissed his temple, "I love you baby, I'll call in like 20 minutes?" Minho nodded, "I lo-love you to s-sweetheart." Jisung begrudgingly left, sighing when he saw them waiting outside. "Come on hyungie." Jeongin held a hand out, pulling him into a side hug as they walked to Changbin's car.

Minho breathed quietly, it was so silent... he could actually hear his thoughts, which wasn't a good thing. Since he was healing well, everything was sore but not open wounds. His thighs itched...Even though he was unconscious he could feel how long it's been since he'd last hurt himself. He looked around as he slumped into his pillow. He wasn't tired. But he didn't feel like playing anything... His mind clouded. The idea of death loomed over him. He shook his head, he promised them... He breathed, suddenly very aware of how his body pushed against the hem of his boxers...He's been eating far too much. He hated himself so...so much. His parents still hadn't visited him...this was probably their last straw. He felt horrible that he couldn't be the son they deserved... He wished he had succeeded... His phone buzzed. 'Jeekies' lighting up at the top. Minho quickly grabbed his phone, it was scary but he had unblocked everyone. He knew his father would most likely hang on to the fact that he was too close to Jisung, but he didn't care. He answered, all the thoughts went quiet, 'Hi baby!' "Hi s-sweetheart," Minho giggled, "Did you s-shower already?" he heard shuffling on the other line, along with Jisung's concentrated noises. 'Uh, no I was gonna shower with you on the phone,' Minho's heart clenched, he hated how worried he made everyone... 'But I forgot I haven't done laundry...okay found a sweater...now I need pants...' Minho smiled, he could listen to Jisung ramble on all day, he closed his eyes listening. 'Oh hyungie, I stole your purple sweater, and I don't think you're getting it back.' He heard the water turn on, he had to suppress a flinch, shoving your deeply cut arm under rushing water was something he'd never forget, 'Hyungie?' "Oh s-sorry love, that's...fine though I thought of you anytime...I wore it." He chuckled hearing Jisung splutter.