It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Tantalizing Ash

TW: Self-harm-Suicidal thoughts/ideation-Self-Destructive thoughts-Negative Body talk-Domestic Abuse

Chapter 50!!! ....but I do need to apologize for this one...

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"Oh, all month?" Minho sighed, his breath creating fog in the cold air, he crouched and flicked the light layer of snow with his finger. "Yeah, it was fully paid for already, and I figured you'd have your friends to celebrate with?" Minho bit his lip as a cold tear slipped down his cheek, "Yeah! We do have plans! I hope you have a great trip Mom, you deserve it." She does deserve it...dealing with a shit husband and an equally shit son on top of her hard job...She deserves this, they never even really celebrated other than him opening two gifts every year, eating the same food, and then purging in his bathroom, cleaning up after them, then being yelled at, then being stuck in the middle of a whole family argument and then be hit and sent to his room... so why does it hurt so much that she won't be here for Christmas... That she's forgotten about his four past doctors visits, when she needed to be there for insurance purposes, that he's been keeping quiet about from the others so they won't worry because they were about his past injuries, and checking up on his kidney and his muscles deteriorating from lack of nutrients and his headaches the doctors are worried about it being connecting to his attempt... "Mm, bye Mom..." He hung up and stared at his phone, he rested his back against the house and looked around. It was late...the dark blue sky with millions of stars shimmering, almost mocking him. It was their official winter break and all of them were inside, the older ones other than Chan were drinking. Not to get drunk, they were allowed two drinks according to Chan, he didn't know if it was wise for him to drink with his meds so he stepped out and used calling his mom as an excuse.

Searing red-hot pain coursed through Minho's left arm and the left side of his head. His father scoffed and walked away to get another drink, Minho was frozen, feet glued to the spot as he heard his father's grumbles and his blood drip to the floor. He looked down to see pieces of glass still in him... He jumped and flinched hard to the side, stepping in the glass beside him as another bottle hauled to the wall next to him, shattering and liquor splashed and burned his open wounds. "Go the fuck to your room before I fucking beat the shit out of you Minho." Minho lurched forward and limped up the stairs, leaving a trail of blood he'll have to clean up later. He walked past his Mother, who froze and hesitated while reaching out, Minho sniffled and smiled softly and shut his door, walking to the bathroom sobbing at this point, now he has to find his tweezers...

He punched his thigh as hard as he could, hissing as a sharp pain shot through his hand. He brought his other hand up and bit down on the skin between his thumb and fingers. Tears drying painfully from the cold temperature. He shakily got his phone and typed,

Minho: Moms talking non-stop I'll come in, in a little

Jeekies: Aw okay, if you get too cold please come inside, we'll shut up

Minho whimpered and put his phone back, going back to biting his hand and pinching his legs, the cold and pinching creating white hot pain over his legs. God, he wanted to fucking die.

He looked up, counting the stars as numbness blanketed him just like the cold, he should go inside...its been twenty minutes...he stood up, dizziness clouding his eyes. He wiped his cheeks and wiped his bloody hand on his under sweater. He sighed and walked up the stairs and put his hand on the back door handle, sniffling and resting his head on the door. Will he...ever be happy? No probably not...The only thing he regrets is meeting them and failing that night. He opened the door and closed it, the rush of warm air making him uncomfortable. He faltered when he turned around to see Hyunjin propped on the kitchen counter and Chan between his legs as they made out -messily- Minho sighed softly, unpleasant memories flooding him, as he tried walking past them, "Ow" Hyunjin cried, "Sorry baby, Minho are you okay?" Chan asked, noticing his tears and his gaze shifted to his hand. "Yeah...sorry go back to...that." Minho turned and kept walking ignoring Chan's talking. Fuck...he doesn't even wanna cut anymore. Doesn't even fucking work- "Baby?" "I'm okay, just need a minute." He bent down over the couch where Felix, Changbin, and Jisung were all giggling until they noticed him walking through the living room, he kissed his cheek and kept walking through. He was not about to ruin their fun. He slipped into his room and slipped off his thick puffer jacket and then the sweatshirt, groaning when he saw a large blood patch on his sweater. He took it off and walked to get another, bigger sweater, faltering when he saw his reflection. Wow, no wonder why they all looked at him like that...he was pale as snow, his lips bleeding was the only color evident, his tear tracks were clear as day, under eye circles purple and deep, and his eyes couldn't stop trailing down, his neck had light marks where Jisung's soft lips kissed and sucked while they 'watched' a show. God...his bones really do poke out, his sternum was slightly crooked from his father's kicks, and two ribs on his right side shifted differently from a beating. Pretty lines of deep cuts and burns on his disgusting stomach, his hip bones protruding just like he's always wanted. His arms were so thin...he was so thin...So why...why isn't he happier? He snagged on his sweater and broke. Biting down on his discarded sweatshirt to muffle his borderline screams as his emotion literally ripped through him. Heart clenching, stomach rolling as self-destructive thoughts screamed at him, he just wanted everything to end, for him to end, he didn't want to be here, he doesn't deserve to be here...why can't he just die, it's his one wish...He doesn't want to keep waking up, to keep breathing, it hurt too much... He fully covered his face and wailed, flinching when he felt an arm wrap around his shoulder. Patting a steady beat, Minho cried out, a wave of pure...despair racking through him, he turned and rested his head on their chest. "You're okay hyung, let it all out..." Seungmin whispered, patting his back. Minho squirmed, he isn't okay though...no matter how much he cries, talks about it, or hurts himself, nothing helps, nothing is okay. He was taking deep gulps of air rather than breathing...His head felt fuzzy as his body slowly got more tired. He curled up to Seungmin's chest with a huff. His mind blanking unpleasantly. Maybe...He should just...stop trying so hard to live. Let fate handle it or whatever... "I'm gonna head to bed...please just tell them I'm tired...I don't wanna ruin their mood." Seungmin sighed, "Yeah, but talk to Sungie tomorrow okay?" "Yeah okay, thanks Minnie." Seungmin hummed and helped him up, "Do you wanna wash up first?" Minho shook his head while looking listlessly at his pillow, slipping under the fuzzy comforter, "Don't worry about me Minnie, I'm okay thank you." Seungmin paused before sighing, "Good night hyungie." "Night Minnie"