It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Caught in a Lie

Alright Besties, it's time for unreliable narrator Minho! But seriously this chapter is meant to be confusing, and a mush of days stacking on each other because his mental state is plummeting down a cliff...

I promise things will get better hehe, I just wanted to highlight things don't get better overnight, or let alone over a week, a month. It takes full cooperation and willingness to get better...which is hard when your brain is wired to go against that...

Alright, ramble over.

TW:
Suicidal Ideation
Implied Self-Harm
Non-descriptive throwing up
Eating disorder Side effects
Non-descriptive-Sexual Assualt aftermath/nightmares

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It all started one morning when Minho jolted awake still feeling scalding hands holding him down. He shuddered and moved off the bed, making sure Jisung didn't wake up. He glanced at his phone, four a.m. he suppressed a groan; he fell asleep at three...he shifted and got up, groaning as too many of his bones popped. He gritted his teeth at a particular pain in his shoulder. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, he felt disgusting, old memories ripped open like a fresh wound. He yawned as he switched his sweater for a thick hoodie. Grabbing his headphones and placing a soft kiss on Jisung's squished cheek. He swung by the kitchen to get a sip of water.

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He planned to only go on a run for an hour...then that hour turned into two, then he realized he went way too far in the second hour and had to find the way back. Suddenly it was seven a.m. and Minho's vision was blurring and at a constant tilt. He stumbled home thankfully. He froze as he walked in, hearing a door open as he closed the front door. A very sleepy but confused Jisung popped around the corner, "Min Min hyung...?" "Hi darling...go back to sleep it's early." He felt like a deer in headlights...too similar to how he felt around his father... "Mm...what are you doin?" "Ah..just went for a short run." Suddenly Jisung was more awake, "How short?" Minho blinked, "I think like twenty minutes...I woke up early." He felt his hand gravitate to his cut up hip, "You weren't there earlier when I woke up..." Minho fought the urge to drop and apologize, "Ahh yeah i've been up for a while, no need to worry love." He inched closer but kept a small distance, he knew he was too sweaty to look like he went on a short run on a chill morning. "...okay baby...just come lay back down. Rest your body a bit more hmm?" Jisung said giving him a sweet smile. Minho nodded, his nerves settled slightly. He took an ice-cold shower and checked on Jisung. Seeing that he was fast asleep, Minho moved his hair out of his face, "I wish you didn't worry so much darling..." he said barely above a whisper, his voice drowned out by the soft lofi beats the younger needed on to sleep. He kissed his nose and let him squirm until he got up to do some light cleaning and make breakfast. They wouldn't wake up for another two-ish hours so he had time. There was no way he was going to get any sleep, he felt fear buzzing under his skin, energy tingling through his hands from his run. He was so tired...

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From that day on Jisung had been keeping a closer eye on Minho. Minho was a great liar. And that scared Jisung the most, if he hadn't woken up at 5:15 that morning and saw that Minho and his phone were gone he would have believed him. If he wouldn't have felt Minho pat his head and kiss him...he would have believed Minho when he said he laid back down for an hour and then made breakfast. He never truly believed him when he says he eats while making food, but that day in fifth period when Minho went to go use the bathroom, his stumbling and his unfocused gaze said it all.

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Minho was a great liar, he worked around the others, them eating, them trying to talk to him about his toxic behaviors, he tapped into his inner scared child who had to lie to his parents about little things, building an intricate web of false truths that painted him as the person they wanted to see. Minho would consider himself a disgusting manipulator. While some of his lies went flat by the way Seungmin would tilt his head, Jisung would pursue his lips and scratch the back of his neck, Hyunjin would scrutinize him with his gaze, Changbin would give a small hum, Felix would look upset but would play it off, and so would Jeongin adding the occasional 'right hyung...' , Chan always knew... there was never getting past him. But Minho knew he would never push him too much. So he used that to his advantage. He lied about a lot, so it was natural for him to lie about his interests and preferences to ensure he didn't burden anyone, annoy them, or make them uncomfortable. Although he knew his presence made all of them uncomfortable. Day by day he was showing them a person he thought they'd like better. He realized how...fake he was...his inner self fading away, only showing in small moments, like when he was slumped on the shower floor, relishing in the numbness coating his brain and red spilling down the drain. Under the happier persona he was still that scared little boy, fearing his next beating and messing up.