It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

Turning Point

TW: Self Harm during a panic attack

suicidal ideation 

Minho lowly hummed when Jisung asked if he was okay for the fifth time, he was still nuzzled into his neck just listening to them talk and joke around while they alternated playing whatever game was on. He was slipping into the numb territory, like he was crashing from the burst of adrenaline and slight relief self-harming gave him. It had been about an hour of him cuddled up, his tiredness was chased away so he's just been staring off and zoned out. He was starting to get that in-between feeling of being hungry, but having a stomach ache, nevertheless, his stomach growled lowly. He hoped Jisung couldn't feel or hear it. Jisung shifted moving both of their legs, catching Minho off guard he hissed. "Did I move the wrong way? I'm so sorry baby." Minho shook his head, "You're good." Minho bit his lip, damn did his leg hurt. He was praying it wouldn't bleed through... Jisung started rubbing his lower back and massaging his scalp, Minho hummed in delight as tiredness settled over him.

~~~

"-eetheart you gotta wake up." Minho squinted and furrowed his eyebrows. "No" was all he said and closed his eyes again. "You have to eat my love, Lixie made pasta and salad." He groaned. He was now curled up in a ball on the seat. Without thinking he stretched out, only groaning as a felt the cuts split open. "You seem to be in a lot of pain hyung...Do you want more medicine?" Jisung asked, helping him up. "Mm no...j-just tired and s-sore. Thank you...baby." Jisung hummed as they moved to the dining room. Minho was struck with nerves. He hated how he did nothing for the food...he hadn't helped make anything, clean up his mess...nothing. He was sat down across from Hyunjin, he was avoiding eye contact, not like he was giving any of them eye contact in the first place. Jisung was the only person he looked at really...It was because he was so close to him all of the time, it's hard not to look at someone when they're cuddled up to you 24/7. But Hyunjin's eye contact was scary. He would break if he looked for too long. As everyone got their bowls, Minho sat there looking down. He was filled with this, anxiousness, he just wanted to curl up in the darkness of his bed alone. He clasped his hands together, God he did not want to have a panic attack right now. But he felt it approaching too fast... "Okay hyungie what do y-" "I-I'm gonna go to the...b-bathroom." Minho scooted the chair back and disappeared past the wall. His breathing got heavier and he was shaking his hands frantically in the air, almost like he was trying to shake the nerves off. He stepped in and closed the door. He started pacing and shallowly breathing. So many bombarding thoughts were running through his head. He felt winded as his breath quickened impossibly fast, almost whimpering with every exhale. He brought his right hand up and bit his thumb hard. Finally able to take a full breath. He hunched over, still biting down. Leaning his left arm on his thigh, putting pressure and rubbing harshly at his cuts. The pain bursting throughout his body calmed him down, only for him to sink to the floor while tears fell. Clasping his hand over his mouth he realized he was bleeding much more than he thought from his thumb, Damnit... He squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to make too much noise. He tensed when there was a knock at the door. "Hyung? It's just me, wanna let me in?" No no no, if he sees Hyunjin right now he will break. You're breaking right now... He let out a noise, his chest was tightening more and more. He felt the anger and resentment he holds in for himself seeping out. He fell from the low squat to his knees, punching at his thighs, letting out strangled noises between the whimpers and sobs. "Minho hyung if you don't answer me I'm gonna come in to check on you..." Hyunjin's voice wavered, "Just l-leave me a-alone." Minho gritted out. "Please hyung, let us help you... You're gonna be okay, and you're safe here." Minho huffed, why can't just be fucking normal, he didn't realize until after that he punched his head a little too hard. Wheezing at the distortion it caused in his head. He heard the door and faintly heard a gasp. The door closed and Hyunjin filled his vision. He grabbed his wrists, "Hyungie you're gonna hurt yourself..." he felt hopelessness ooze out of the younger, "That's the fucking...point." He sharply exhaled and ripped his arms away. Causing Hyunjin to tip forward and then backward. "Hyung you're panicking right now, you have to calm down, we can work through this." Pure hatred for himself bubbled over, "Fuck off...Why...why can't you r-realize how fucking worthless I a-am." he used the toilet to stand up fast, blood rushing to his head, he ripped the door open, and quickly went to his room, closing and locking the door. He finally exhaled. He grunted as he brought his hands up, punching his head over and over until he was consumed by dizziness. He slumped against the footboard of the bed, gasping for air. And he sobbed. Mumbling incoherent words, it felt like he was walking listlessly through a dark tunnel with no way out. He weakly punched at his thigh to feel anything but this...suffocating grief. He faintly heard Jisung which only made him cry harder. He wanted to be normal, happy. He wanted to drown in self-resentment and self-hatred. He roughly pressed his palms on his eyes, weakly breathing. He wanted to live...really wanted to discover what life meant, with them. He wanted to give up, never breathe again. Breathing was so... so difficult. His head rushed one last time as he lost his senses.

^^^

Chan noticed as soon he looked over at Minho sitting there alone, shrinking down, that today was an off day. Then he just laid there, not sleeping, not talking, for over an hour before falling asleep. Felix was prompted to make his best pasta, and a salad to ensure Minho ate something at least. And when Jisung finally got him up and to the dining room they could feel the nervousness rolling off of his shoulders. They hoped being gentle would help, but they were too late. Hyunjin had told him earlier that he suspected Minho hurt himself. And Chan realized the small details, even when he rushed away to the bathroom, he was babying his left leg, wincing slightly. They agreed to give him five minutes before checking up on him. He deserves privacy, but they all knew how much of a danger he is to himself. Hyunjin asked if he could go talk to him and the readily agreed. Then they heard Minho...not yelling, but raising his voice. Jisung gave him a look. At the sound of a door closing, Chan got up and ran into a scared Hyunjin. "I...couldn't get through to him...he-" "We heard baby it's okay..." Hyunjin turned to his door, shaking his head, "No he was hitting himself, and I think he uh bit down on his thumb...it was bleeding really bad..." Chan sucked in a breath. "Sung, wanna try talking to him?" Jisung was already up and at his door though. They could faintly hear Minho, his breathing was ragged and he was weakly sobbing. They could hear broken mumbling, as his breathing got more shallow and quick, until nothing. Only a thud and faint raspy breathing. Chan and Hyunjin exchanged a look, and he went off to find the key for the door. Chan placed a hand on Jisung's back lightly patting, "He's gonna be okay..." Chan didn't really believe his own words though.

They unlocked the door and Chan instantly spotted him and went to pick him up, he was uncomfortably slumped onto the floor. He gently held onto him, assessing any potential harm. He looked paler than he was earlier...he must have put so much strain and stress on himself...He could see red and bruising starting to blossom on both of his temples. Jisung crouched, holding a warm rag, and lightly wiped his tear-stained face, he himself was already starting to cry, "Hyung...what do we do? He doesn't want professional help...we're obviously not cut out to give him the help he needs..." Hyunjin sighed as he was lightly tracing a hand over his thigh. "He has bandages on..." Hyunjin said quietly, catching Jisung when he shifted back and cried harder. He soothed him, while Chan scooped Minho up, and placed him under the blankets. "Alright...let's go and eat something..." they hummed but didn't move from the floor. Chan walked over, softly holding onto them and pulling them up, "We'll come back when you're done." They sniffled and walked through the door as Chan lightly pushed them forward, he looked back one more time and sighed, leaving the door open just in case.

~~~

Minho came to, feeling his whole body ache. He whined and tried turning around, strong arms were holding him down though. He stopped breathing when the memories of...last night apparently due to the sunlight, came rushing back. "You finally up...bub." Chan yawned, Minho flinched a bit but hummed, not trusting his voice after crying that hard... "I'm s-sorry..." Minho said after clearing his throat. "Minho there is nothing to be sorry about, we're here to help you Minho, no matter what. At your best, at your worst, we want nothing but for you to be happy and healthy." Chan said softly all while rubbing his arm. Minho sniffled, "You s-sound like an officiant..." he wetly chuckled, Chan tightened his grip and giggled. "I'm serious Minho, I understand how difficult this is, but we can only help so much. You have to let us in bub." Minho sighed, he knew that...difficult is an understatement when it shouldn't be. His chest felt much lighter today, he felt something other than negative feelings... He felt tears brim again, he whined and tried turning around again, Chan lifted his arm up allowing Minho to finally turn over, sniffling as he shoved his face into Chan's chest. Chan let out a small 'oof' before wrapping his arm around Minho, carding through his hair. Minho felt a burst of calmness, "Hyungie..." Chan hummed, "Take your time bub, I'm not going anywhere Minho." Minho gasped out, "I wanna...s-stay...I really wanna...get b-better." Chan held onto him as he cried, "I just...fuck hyung...I just h-hate myself s-so much." Minho fisted Chan's shirt. "We're gonna get through this Minho. One step at a time okay bub?" "Mm" Chan sighed, resting his chin on Minho's head. 

I projected  really hard in this one besties...

Stay Safe and Stay Hydrated Loves~