It's Not Selfish To Want To Live

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Tw: antidepressants side effects

Sexual Assault-non descriptive flashbacks

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･

Minho in fact could not sleep , stirring awake anytime he would doze off, Jisung's breath on his neck, Felix holding onto his waist, his mind was forcibly numb and empty. Feeling like his brain was so far away, like it was in the middle of the ocean unable to find it's way back home. With random fleeting thoughts about small worries, and cursed memories that never seem to escape him. He heard shuffling and giggling, he cracked an eye open to see Chan and Hyunjin cuddling, and Hyunjin showing him something on his phone, he sighed. He can't think; the most frustrating feeling he has ever experienced. The only thing he could conjure up was the burning hot hands, venomous words, and searing pain he'd get from a night with him . His leg itched. He heard Hyunjin ask to go talk to Chan in his room, Minho hoped everything went well for them. And Hyunjin can open up about his struggles. He snuggled deeper into Felix, not trying to focus on the breath on his neck, it hurt because he knew deep down Jisung would never hurt him...but he understood the obligations that come with relationships, he was open to do anything, he just had an uneasy feeling anytime he thought about it. But he feels that way about everything. Not to mention, he's put Jisung through so much already...He was nothing but a burden to him, but he still stuck around...the least Minho could do was oblige.

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Hyunjin wrung his hands out, nerves choking him as they walked to his room. Was he going to tell him about the self-harm he'd been lying about being clean, or that he may or may not be in love with him? He had no clue. Chan closed the bedroom door as Hyunjin crawled and hugged his small moon pillow. "What's wrong Jinnie? You can tell hyung anything." He sat down across from Hyunjin, with the most comforting smile. Hyunjin doesn't like to admit it out loud, but he's an extremely sensitive. He puts a brave face in front of people and usually breaks down behind closed doors, Chan has been the only one to have seen many of his breakdowns. He's been piling this up inside of him, he's been lying about being clean...he's been hurt himself at least once of week... He hates it. He hates himself more. But seeing Minho and his struggles brought him some kind of realization. Shoving in his face that he was a hypocrite for starters, a liar, and irrational. He doesn't hurt himself for the same reasons as Minho...It adds to his stress, he does it to hurt, to stress himself out, to suppress all of his issues so he doesn't unload onto anyone. Chan finding out all that time ago changed his perspective a bit. Chan was amazing with his words, advice, and just being there. Not long after that he truly fell hard, it was easy. Chan's a beautiful soul inside and out. He's most comfortable with him, in his arms, talking to him. He's inspiring and talented. Fuck it I'll tell him both. If Hyunjin does end up ruining this, he might as well go all the way all at once. He didn't notice until he snapped out of it but Chan scooted till their knees were touching, he was massaging circles into his forearms. "I-" He bit his lip and looked down, Chan's doe eyes peering into him so softly, "I've been...hurting myself." Chan sighed lightly, now rubbing his whole arm, "Mm, what's been the reason?" "A lot. It started when I felt like the whole Minho thing a few months ago was my fault...he reassured me recently though...and then I spiraled. I continuously felt like I was the problem." His chest squeezed. Chan took one of his hands bringing it up to his chin, "That was a long time ago baby...I'm so proud of you for opening up, have you been taking care of it? We can't have you getting another infection again." Chan placed soft kisses on his knuckles, he nodded, "I'm such a fucking liar I'm so sorry..." "Shh you're hurting, you've also been fighting Jin, we can work through this, anything you need from me I'm here." Hyunjin sniffled, "I feel horrible, I really wanted to get better on my own but I'm so...weak, I didn't want to bother you especially with everything going on." Chan hummed, "Oh Jinnie, you are the opposite weak, you'd never be a burden to anyone, you're a priority just like everyone else." Chan said softly but firmly. "I really don't...trust myself." Hyunjin said with uncertainty, Chan nodded still holding Hyunjin's hand to his chin, "If you're comfortable we can go back to checking you in the morning, you're so strong for admitting this baby, so don't be mean to yourself." Hyunjin squirmed at the pet name, "Please? I mean, it doesn't have to be every day...maybe once every other day?" Chan nodded, "Anything for my Jinnie." Chan smiled and squeezed his hands, Hyunjin bit back a smile and hummed, "Is there something else?" Chan asked tilting his head. Hyunjin squeezed his hands, sucking in a breath, like ripping off a bandaid right? " I think I l-like you." He murmured, looking to the side bracing for rejection. The silence was loud as he took a shaky inhale. He jumped when Chan pulled him into a bear hug, sighing into his ear, "Fuck...I think, well no, I know I like you Hyune." Chan sounded so, relieved , the pressure that was building in Hyunjin's eyes burst as he started crying on his shoulder. " I've got you baby. I've been debating for a long time...I only knew because I...feel such a different pull towards you compared to my other boys." Hyunjin sniffled, "That's ho-how I settled too...you're my...ultimate comfort person I don't know how to explain it." Chan patted his head, "My Hyunie baby don't cry." Hyunjin whined, "I'm happy hyung, shut up..." Chan chuckled and pulled away looking into Hyunjin's already puffy eyes, down to his lips that were red and swollen from him biting it too hard. Hyunjin scanned his face for any sign of regret, but Chan just lowered his head and placed the softest kiss on his lips. Hyunjin melted into it, savoring every moment. Chan held him, ruffling his hair and caressed his back slightly, capturing all the small noises he was making from being tickled. Hyunjin's hands made their way to his neck, where he rubbed circles with his thumb. They stayed a steady pace, never rushing or deepening the kiss. They pulled away slightly panting. "This weekend, I'm taking you on a date." Chan kissed his nose after the declaration. Hyunjin giggled. "okay" he went down to kiss him a bit more needy this time.