Midnight Shades

Chapter 39

       

I have been sitting on the same chair he was sitting on for the past forty—five minutes, doing absolutely nothing but staring in front of me. The tears have stopped two minutes after he was gone, simply because I couldn't find a reason for me to cry. This is all my fault, I should have been more aware of the consequences of my actions, and I should have been prepared.

Maybe at first I was crying because I didn't want it to happen this way. I wanted everything to come out of me when we are in a place together, but obviously Lyara had different plans for me. My heart is beating so slowly that I think it's not beating at all. I feel like every inch of my heart is marked with a painful scar of what happened.

Do I deserve that?

Both my heart and mind are fighting to answer this question, and I don't know who should I listen to and who should I crown as the winner. My heart is telling me that I don't; I don't deserve what happened to me. I deserve to feel the love that I have for Louis, I deserve to get love in return, I deserve to live and be happy, and I deserve to sacrifice and hide a few things in order to get what I really and desperately want.

Though my mind begs to disagree. It's telling me that I do deserve everything that has happened. This was a choice that I made two years ago. It was my choice to talk to Louis months ago. Nobody forced me to take things to the next level with Louis, no one forced me to start a relationship with him, and I was not forced to get him a bit attached to me. It was all my doing, and I didn't think rationally before I made these choices.

My mind is always the rational part of me, whereas my heart is the irrational part.

It was once when I decided to follow my mind, and this is the second time. My mind is at its righteous, I just couldn't control my heart then. I was too consumed in loving him that I thought that I deserved him, that I thought that I should stop loving him in the dark and just go with it.

I want to apologise to him for everything, and I won't ask for his forgiveness. I just want to apologise. But how can I do that when he clearly doesn't want to see me? I must give him some space and time to think through everything, to maybe remember that I told him that I love him, to have a soft spot for me and forgive me. I'm lying, of course, I want his forgiveness more than anything because if he doesn't forgive me, then I will be shattered completely.

I bring my knees up to my chest and hug them as I place my chin on my knees. November gives me its harshest cold air like a whiplash, trying to punish me for every lie I said to Louis. I rest my cheek on my knees instead when I hear the door opening and Kiara comes out.

The few silent words that we share as I stare her with agony and a broken heart tells her what happened. One of her hands places itself on her heart as I stare emotionlessly back at her. Her footsteps are cautious and slow as she moves towards me and falls to her knees in front of me.

Her eyes water slightly as she runs her hand smoothly over my hair before she asks, "Are you okay?"

My voice is hoarse and tight as I look at her with pleading eyes and ask back, "Do I look okay?"

I wish—with every bone in my body—that she says yes, but the silent shake of her head makes my hope disappear. "What did he say?" She softly questions.

I sniff and lean back on the chair, rubbing the dry tears off of my cheeks. Clearing my throat, I furrow my eyebrows as I stare at my hands and say, "That he hopes I'm ready for his departure now."

Just repeating those words makes a knife twist sharply in my heart, increasing my agony and suffer. My hands hold onto each other tightly as I look at her and tell her, "I told him that I love him," I feel my eyes burning with tears as I see her already watered eyes. "But he didn't believe me."