Soulmate (Cameron Dallas/ Nash Grier/ Matthew Espinosa/ Hayes Grier)

Chapter 93

It's been a hard month. Thanks for sticking with me.
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The worn-out wheels of my suitcase drag behind me, squeaks sounding against the marble floors of the hotel lobby. My grip on the handle tightens as I look around, hoping to see his blue eyes searching for me. But I don't. The breeze of the cool, New Jersey air hits me suddenly, and I wish the impact would whisk me far away from my thoughts. But it doesn't. Cameron motions for me to get into the van, and I look back one last time through the glass doors before joining him. The noise of the engine startles me, causing my gaze to shift away from the window. We slowly roll forward when suddenly, someone runs out and bangs on the window. I jump, cowering back into my seat before realizing it's a fuming Hayes. I quickly get out of the car.

"Hayes? What the hell-"

"So you're just gonna leave without saying goodbye? We only have one Magcon left! Don't you care that we're not going to see each other again?" he yells.

He's never yelled at me before.

"Hayes-"

"No! That's... that's so unfair! I've been here for you this whole time and you still don't think of me!"

"I do think of you," I say guiltily.

"No you don't. You really don't, and that really, really hurts," he says, biting his bottom lip and looking away from me.

"Hayes, I'm sorry." My voice cracks, and I reach out for him.

"Yeah, me too," he says, turning around and walking back into the hotel.

I'm frozen in place, staring at my best friend walk away from me; staring at the tiny curls that cling to his neck dance in mockery as the wind blows him out of my sight. I hear Cameron get out of the car, and I feel two arms grab my shoulders.

"C'mon, let's go inside," he says calmly.

I don't move.

"C'mon," he says again, pushing me until my feet find the strength to move.

The trees pass by slowly, so slow as to remind me I will constantly be stuck in this cycle of disappointing people and being disappointed. The city lights don't seem as bright, the buildings dull and uneventful. It's not the beautiful city I saw when I first came here. Nothing is as beautiful to me anymore.

The plane ride is long and filled with self-deprecating thoughts. Thoughts about what a horrible friend I am, and how I don't deserve someone like Hayes. Thoughts about how I'm not worth saying goodbye to in the first place. I force myself to stay awake, knowing my nightmares will swallow me whole. I contemplate what it would be like to never sleep again. My eyes glance out the window, and for a moment, I picture flying beside the plane. The wind is flowing through my curly hair, and I'm laughing. Then all of a sudden, I'm falling, and the plane is going down too. I grasp onto nothingness, air seeping through my desperate fists. But then I imagine the plane regaining control, yet I'm still falling. It's getting further and further away from me, and I'm screaming for it to help me. But it doesn't. It can't.

When we land, my eyes search for our mother. I was surprised when she said she wanted to pick us up, and now I'm a little nervous to see her. I remember that first Magcon when she picked us up. She asked us about our trip and we were joking around, laughing and calling the guys "hot". The memory sends a sharp pain through my heart.

"Hey guys." She smiles weakly.

Cameron walks past her to get his bag. I stare at her, trying to determine the situation.

"He's probably just tired," she says, turning away from me.

The drive home is completely silent. There is no witty banter or playful remarks, just dark, familiar roads and emptiness. I check my phone every few minutes to see a blank screen, my heart clenching at the sight. Our house seems tainted. I can still feel the hardness of my wooden floor pressed against my chest as I hid under my bed, staring across at my brother. And I can still smell his dust-ridden boots as his gun was cocked into place. I shudder.