My Host; Namjin

Namjoon

        Jin wasn't at home. I knocked and begged and banged on his door for so long my hand went numb and a neighbor threatened to call the police. After some angry self debate I go back to my car and drive to Hoseok's house. Hobi may be a slut but he's my best friend..he wouldn't backstab me like this, right?
         I sit outside his huge house, honestly I'm afraid to knock on the door. Jin's mad at me but he wouldn't..he wouldn't...would he? Especially with Hoseok, right? I take a few deep breathes and finally force my feet to move away from the car and to his door. All the lights are off inside so I bang loudly in the door.
        When I receive no answer I try the handle and find it unlocked. I slip inside and slam the door closed. "Hoseok!" I yell as I make my way down the hall to his bedroom. I hear movement just as I reach the room and when I look inside I freeze.
No...no..tell me this is some sick joke..I have a horrible sense of deja vu as I watch-frozen in shock-as Jin and Hoseok cover themselves. Clothes are thrown all around the room and it looks like a disaster came through. Hoseok meets my unblinking gaze with fear and regret on his face but I ignore it. I only look at Jin. My Jin. My baby...naked and sweaty from another man...I take a step back and slam into the wall, letting my body just slide down and collapse onto the floor.
Is this how Jin felt? No, this is much worse. I'd much rather find him with a stranger than my own best friend. I deserve this. This is all my fault. I have no right to be angry at them-well not Jin. Hoseok broke my trust as a friend and I just cant even look at him. I stay like that on the floor not talking or breathing as Jin slowly gets up covered by the sheets and grabs his clothes.
        He doesn't speak to me as he exits the room to get dressed and I don't follow after him. I can't, I can't move. I feel like I'm dying-like I'm literally just going to die right here in my ex-best friend's bedroom.

         I don't know how long I sit there staring into space but when I finally came to Jin is gone and Hoseok is too. I pick myself up and let myself out of the now empty house. I know I'm still in a state of shock as I climb into my car and drive. I don't have any plans on where I'm going, I just drive.
         I end up back at the dark studio. I sit and contemplate my fuck up of a life and enter the building. I completely ignore that room and head into my recording studio. I spend the next few hours just writing lyrics and raps to ease the pain and pour my soul out into the world. I bleed my broken heart out on paper until I have nothing left in me.
        I lay my head on my desk and close my eyes as the sobs finally break out of the prison I've been holding them in. I break down worse than I ever have in my entire life and just cry.

        When I wake up from a troublesome slumber I'm still in my recording studio with papers everywhere. I ignore them and head out to grab some painkillers and coffee. I don't want to go home because it just reminds me of Jin. He's replaced me now so I don't see how I can keep up the hope he might one day be willing to talk to me and maybe even forgive me.
        I just hope he can find happiness without me ruining his life. I hope he can find someone that can make him as happy as he's made me. I can let him go if that's what he truly wants...even if it kills me...