Losers' Club //Richie Tozier//

🎈71. 🎈

I value the alone time I receive, even if it's not a lot. Maybe that's why I value it like a fine piece of art. Not long ago I found this little 'hiding' place I shall call my own.

It's scary to be high up and knowing that one wrong step and it's down I go, either to my death or a really bad injury. I don't need any more of those.

But What's the point of playing with fire if you  won't burn a little?

Taking risks it's what makes things interesting and fun. Run the risk of getting hurt, run the risk of feeling a pain so unbearable you cry for days, run the risk of falling of a roof top.

Or maybe I'm just crazy and no one should ever pay attention to whatever comes out of my mouth.

I could see the stars dancing in the dark sky and some sing a melody I can't make out. But they're all doing something unique. They shine brighter each night and that's what scares me the most, what if they shine so bright they blind me? I take it as a sign, the more beautiful Something is the more dangerous it becomes. A dark night with big flashing lights is the sign of the end, tomorrow's probably the day that clown comes back and takes me for all eternity.

I don't feel normal, I feel different. I don't feel like a normal 14-year-old. I think my mind functions a differently from other people, therefore, I don't seem normal but then again what is the concept of being normal? Is it getting my nails done and gossiping about the hottest boys in town? Or perhaps over exaggerating?

Sometimes I play a game of what if. I think to myself what if I wasn't born in Derry and before that, what if my parents never made that stupid decision to move to Derry and would of just stayed far away from his hell? What if I saved Jess?

I don't think anyone would understand my thoughts or even me. They'll look at me and laugh before turning away and walking the opposite direction. I used to distinguish being different as having crazy colored hair or even thick glasses but now I realize that my idea of different is not what I thought it.

I don't think being different is about how one looks I think it's about the way you are. The only problem is I don't like who I am. Maybe that's too harsh.

I'm scared.

This is the first time I'll probably admit it or maybe I have before but I'm scared, I'm completely terrified. I'm terrified of everything, absolutely everything in my life.

I'm scared of the person I might become. I don't want to be the woman that people describe in a negative manor or disgusting tone. What if in the future I have my children and they feel like they can't talk to me? It'll channel the pain of a thousand broken hearts. I tried to change, I want to be a different person and correct my past mistakes. I want to be a good person once I leave this shitty town.

I'm terrified of my family life for the next few years. What happens when I leave and dad's left alone with mom? How am I supposed to feel safe knowing she's in that fucking hypnotized state? How am I suppose to live with myself knowing she's blaming me for everything. A part of me gets shattered every time I see her and another part gets angry and fed up because even through everything that has happened, how can a mother abandon her children? How could she? I need her to survive, I need her to teach me things I can't teach myself. It's not right to live without a mother. It's just not right.

Most of all I'm afraid of loosing Richie. I've put and gone through hell to find someone him and now that I have I'm not letting go. Everyday I would walk with a weight on my shoulders that was unbearable but he waltzed right in and it suddenly lifted off my shoulders and I was relieved. I found parts of me I didn't even know existed and I did things I didn't know I was capable of and he made me smile like never before. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and wonder what my life would be like if he wasn't around, would the weight keep packing onto my shoulders or would life get too much that I don't have the strength to keep going. He's the missing piece to the puzzle and I know I'm young and stupid and I probably don't know what the hell I'm saying but I've never felt something so real in my life before. He makes me feel like I can't breath but it's that kind of not breathing that feels really good, the kind when you're laughing at the funniest joke in the world and as you gasp for air nothing comes in. That's how it feels to run the risk of being with someone that might leave tomorrow. But for him I'll run any risk.

I began to giggle quietly as I looked up at the stars and flirty moon. I covered my mouth as my laughs began to get louder. This is the feeling of being with richie, I gasped for air as I still continued to laugh. I close my eyes, squeezing out a tear or two.

I just described Richie in a cliche way and I'm only 14 years old. Somehow that's the funniest thing I've ever done.

After a few seconds of laughter I felt my bottom lip quiver and my vision become blurry. Warm tears fell down the side of my face. I took a deep breath as I kept crying silently to myself, until I let out a small sob I didn't realize I was holding in.

Is this part of the risk? Putting so much energy and passion into someone that might leave? Resulting in breaking down because one is terrified of loosing the only person that's keeping them together? Because if so, I'm right on track.

I wiped my tears away with my fingertips and let out a small sigh.

Why should I worry about tomorrow when there's a possibility that it might never come?

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❤️Happy Friday!❤️
I know this chapter is a bit different but I wanted to give the readers an insight of Cole's mind and all the crazy thoughts that happen at once. Maybe now you guys have a better understanding of who she is. I hope everyone enjoyed!