His Weapon - Book 1 [Z.M]

XVII

My heart is a forest
Your words
An axe
- Jaydev Patel

ZAYN'S POV

I remained absolutely silent after I foolishly let words that I never wanted out of my lips to slip out. Already I could tell she thought I was acting strange.
     Back in the car, as my hands caressed her soft thighs— it's felt refreshing. The look on her face as her lips parted whiles I got closer and closer to where I desperately wanted to be scared me instantly. She looked devilishly beautiful and extremely sexy that I couldn't stand not having her— on a deeper level. My need for her quickly turned my admiration into anger, hating the fact that she had soo much power over me and in that moment I detested her.
     I can't control myself, one moment I try to block her out and the next, all my walls get broken and I fall back into the aura of her beauty. I regretted it immediately I spoke to her in such a manner— I could almost feel her sadness but for some reason my heart even hardened more like it used to in the past.
     I was sat in my study trying to get some work done but I kept thinking about her. She's so selfless, she barely knows Nany but was already worrying as to how she would feel if our fake relationship came to an end— little did she know that Nany already knows.

A soft knock interrupted my thoughts. I had a feeling it was Nany because Muna would never disturb me when I'm working so I remained silent— hoping she'd go away but it's Nany, she didn't. She peaked in to check if I was actually there and when she saw me staring back at her she chuckled and let herself in, closing the door behind her.
     "I got her situated into her room, she's fine."
She said, taking a seat before me and I just nodded.
     "Maybe I should go get you coffee or something?"
She asked, examining me. I shook my head no and she sighed dramatically.
     "What did you do this time?"
She asked sternly, leaving no room for whether I wanted to tell her or not— or whether I was the one at fault or not. It was my turn to sigh dramatically which caused her to roll her eyes at my imitation of her.
     "I fucked up."
I ran my fingers over my face. I tried soo hard and stayed up several nights thinking of how I could get her back into my life one way or another and now that I finally succeeded— I forgot how hard I tried. I practically belittled her and now she's immersed in an act that was practically killing me slowly.
     Being all submissive and distant, obviously putting up an award winning performance. When she said she was only here for the money, I felt my heart tighten in my chest but I deserved it for the way I disrespected her. Although I knew those were just words— because she did tell me why she was here and in her words it was 'anything to be closer to you'

When I hugged her tightly on the barstool and she didn't hug me back— I was relieved for a while until I begun to crave her touch. Praying she would dare to touch me, to feel her soft hands on my body without having to tell her to do it and give away the fact that I love her touch.
     Ever since that night I fucked up and let her touch me, I crave it and that alone is a warning— a damn red flag but my heart has a way of disrespecting me. Everything after that night lead to me making up my mind about letting her go, but immediately she stepped out my door I wanted to chase her. Which was more reason to push her further away.
     "What exactly did you do?"
Nany's voice snapped me back into reality. It wasn't going to be awkward telling her, I tell her every fucking thing except for the fact that I'm a dominant and I bondage fuck the woman I make sign my contracts.
     "So my hands were on her thighs, and I have no idea what it was but I just felt a strong need for her, you know what I mean, no scratch that! It's not what you think. It was an alien feeling can't explain it."
I said the last words quickly and she gave me a knowing smile that made me sigh.
     "I begun to caress her and she sat there, her eyes screwed shut and lips parted. She just looked. . . she looked, ugh I don't know."
     I ran my fingers over my face yet again as Nany stared at me patiently. I took a deep breath.
     "She looked like everything and it scared me Nany. I actually felt disgusted at the thoughts I was having and suddenly felt hatred towards her, like a wave."
She shook her head— already dreading where it was heading as I stretched out my hands to show just how big the wave was. This isn't me— I feel silly.
     "So I went off on her, I told her to fucking sit like a lady, a lady, Nany. Which indicated I thought she wasn't and I didn't stop there, I made her call me sir, I fucking made her call me sir. Fuck the word even leaves a sour taste in my mouth. She was hurt, I could tell and what killed me more was that I could tell she wish she didn't sign the damn contract."
     I rambled on like a lost and confused puppy but most of all, I felt extremely stupid.
     "Stop fighting it Zayn!"
She said softly, staring at me almost broken-heartedly.
     "Stop fighting what?"
I asked with furrow brows, genuinely confused as to what she meant. Based on everything I told her and that's all she had to say? I needed more than that.
     "You like her, like really really like her."
She concluded— her eyes glued on me and I scoffed. Just what I fucking needed, it caused me to almost choke on my saliva. There was no fucking way I liked her romantically.
     I mean sex with her is great— amazing even and everyone knows what sex can do to a man. I just crave her sexually and nothing more. She can never be more than a submissive to me, the ghost of Her would never allow it.