His Weapon - Book 1 [Z.M]

XXXII

You are magic
Even at your most broken
- R.h. Sin

Jessie Ware - Wildest Moments

ZAYN'S POV

     "God, you're soo strong."
I couldn't speak, all I could do was hug her tighter than I was initially. I couldn't believe everything she had gone through.
     "No. . ."
She pulled away from me— her eyes swollen as she looked at me.
     "—No I'm not, you have no idea how many times I've wanted to end it."
She said and my heart literally broke. I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around the thought of her witnessing the death of her family and being abused. She has been through too much than what I had expected. I couldn't stop crying as well even though I tried to hide it because I needed to be strong to comfort her— not weaken her further.
     However, hearing about her suicidal thoughts made me panic even more.
     "Wipe that look off your face, would you? I would never, I can't leave my mum behind."
She smiled but I only buried my head in my palms and wiped my face. She tilted her head to the side, watching me intently.
     "If there's any way I can help, don't hesitate to let me know. . ."
I told her and she smiled.
     "You already are," she paused. "You know, sometimes I wonder where we would be if I hadn't met you."
I just looked at her as she spoke— a genuine smile forming on her face. I still couldn't breathe from everything she had told me. I was feeling her pain and imagining how she was going through worse than I could've possibly imagine. Just the thought of me acting like I've been through the worst from just a heartbreak and her actually experiencing the worst made me sick to my stomach.

     "Before I could meet you things were. . . not so good. With your help I could get mum better treatment at the hospital and Cheryl and I moved here, far better than where we were months ago, you should've seen it."
She faked a shiver in hopes of making me laugh but I couldn't.
     With my help? Fuck that. I felt like a monster just hearing her say those words. And to think of all the shit I put her through whiles she was going through her own problems. Now I understood why the thought of paying her to be with me was such a hard thing for her to do. It brought her back to her past. It sucked that I put her through everything I did and it sucked that she had to go through them to provide for her mum.
     I ran my palms over my face in frustration and a frown adorned her gorgeous face, catching on.
    "No. It better not be what I'm thinking."
She said and I shook my head— not being able to look her in the eyes.
    "—Zayn, no."
The more she spoke, the more I couldn't bare it.
     "—I'm fucking sorry."
I said and it was her turn to shake her head.
     "For what? Don't! Don't think what I think you're thinking!"
She straddled me. I couldn't bring myself to look at her.
     "I accepted your contract because I actually liked you, you idiot."
She said, lifting up my chin so I'd look up at her.
     "But you had to work for it. I never gave you anything. You worked for it."
     "Yes, but it doesn't mean anything, doesn't change anything. I mean work in what sense?"
     "Yes, but look me in the eyes and tell me that you never felt like a slut, my slut! Fuck, you even said it all the time and I never understood you but now I do and I'm fucking sorry for ever making you feel that way."
I got angrier at myself the more she spoke. Now I understood why she got soo angry when we were talking about the $50,000 figure in the contract. She kept saying she hated the fact that she was negotiating her body.