His Weapon - Book 1 [Z.M]

XXX

I like you helpless
Vast vulnerability
An empty vessel
- Kinkpoet

     "Yes."
I said in defeat.
     "—But I swear nothing happened. I swear it."
     "—I don't give a fuck if anything happened or not. You thought it was fucking okay to leave me and run off with him? I went crazy. Do you know how I felt seeing you never taking your eyes off him? Make up your damn mind! If it's him you want then why the fuck do you keep telling me otherwise?"
     He kept yelling at me but I understood where he was coming from. He was angry. I had no idea I was looking at Nicholas the entire time— I don't think I was.
     "I'm not leading you on Zayn, I wasn't looking at him."
I said but he shook his head frantically.
     "I'd know, I kept my eyes on you the entire time. Some fucking assurance would've been nice."
He said coming closer to me but I knew he wasn't going to hit me.
     "I had no idea how much I liked you until today. Really really."
He said, reaching for my face between his palms and my heart literally stopped. He smelled of alcohol so I was only going to take his words with a pinch of salt yet again but it still had my heart pounding against my chest.
     "God I should be mad but promise me nothing happened!"
He leaned his forehead on mine and I closed my eyes.
     "Please tell me you kept thinking of me when you were with him. Assure me!"
He whispered, caressing my cheeks. He was clearly telling me to tell him how I feel about him and that is something he hates hearing though not recently.

     "You're drunk."
I said, feeling his eyes on me.
     "It doesn't change a thing," he argued, lifting up my chin. Things weren't going how I had envisioned it. I expected him to be yelling at me and cussing me the entire time but he was practically begging me to assure him that I want him and not Nicholas. I had never seen this side of him and as much as I liked it— I had a feeling it was going to be gone immediately he woke up. Nicholas was becoming a serious problem in our relationship.
     "Please!"
He kissed me and I kissed back.
     "Only say it if you mean it!"
He said, his lips ghosting over mine when he pulled away.
     "I'm really not that drunk, I only had a glass really."
He smiled weakly like that was the reason I wasn't speaking but it wasn't. I'd always pick Zayn no matter what even though Nicholas messes with my head a little. It's not even a question but I was scared of how things were turning out.

I grabbed onto his waist for support because being close to him was weakening me as though it were my first time.
     "I swear I'm not this weak, not that I knew of. You drive me crazy. I hate having to fight for you— with Nicholas."
     He opened his mouth to continue but hesitated.
     "—He took Kimberly away from me and I can't let him take you away from me too."
An arrow plunged into my heart. This wasn't about me nor his feelings for me. It was about Nicholas winning again and I got it loud and clear.
     "This isn't about me, it's about your ego."
I said and he shook his head no.
     "It isn't, you should know that," he said— pulling away like I was scorching fire.
     We just stared at each other again in absolute silence.
     "I'm sorry," I said with a headshake and walked past him towards my room. I couldn't stand seeing him in such a state. He must've really loved her— Kimberly. Sometimes I feel like that's why I'm still here. That if he hadn't seen me with Nicholas he wouldn't have cared. Almost like that made him want to prevent Nicholas from having me. It's a possibility and just the thought kills me.
     It made me want to know more than ever what had happened between the three of them but Nicholas wouldn't tell me and I know I wouldn't get anything out of Zayn as well. It was frustrating— my normal life didn't have such drama and I miss it sometimes. When I didn't know a Zayn or Nicholas and all I had to worry about was surviving and not whether Zayn's feelings for me are genuine or not.
    
I took a cool shower to clear my head but it only made room for me to keep thinking. When I'm with Nicholas I feel complete, like I had everything I ever wanted but there's always that missing piece and I know that that's Zayn. I can never feel complete if Zayn isn't in the picture and it makes me feel light— like I weigh nothing.
     I laid in bed and the only thing on my mind was Zayn. I wondered what he was doing and missed sleeping next to him. The ceiling had never looked more interesting in my entire life . I couldn't sleep— I kept tossing and turning. It didn't feel right sleeping in my own bed.